142 Funny Jokes to Keep Up Your Sleeve
Okay, okay, we're not claiming to be John Mulaney or Hannah Berner, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward and you need a classic dad joke, or you're trying to make your niece laugh with a knock-knock joke. Maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting, "If you make me laugh, I will buy you a car!" No matter the problem, we've got a hilarious solution.
Scroll down, and you'll find 142 funny jokes locked and loaded for when you or your loved ones really need a laugh. Feel free to bookmark this page—we won't tell anyone you got 'em from us.
One-Liner Jokes
How do you know if a vampire is unwell? Because he'll be coffin.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand shops.
Why did the bicycle collapse? It was too tired.
What kind of music do bubbles hate? Pop.
Why did the hairdresser win the race? He knew a shortcut.
How did the picture end up in prison? It was framed.
What do solicitors wear to work? Lawsuits.
Why did the bullet lose its job? It got fired.
Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long? Then it’d be a foot.
Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one’s on the house.
What does a house wear? Address!
What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner."
Why is grass so dangerous? It’s full of blades.
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.
Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fast food.
Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing? A meatball.
How do trees get online? They just log on!
How do billboards talk? Sign language.
What’s America’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? She’ll let it go.
What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
How do you follow a book? You track their footnotes.
What tree can fit in your hand? A palm tree.
Why are astronauts so clean? They take meteor showers.
Why are ghosts bad liars? They’re totally see-through.
How do poets say hello? Haven’t we metaphor?
RIP to boiling water... You will be mist.
How does the ocean say hi? It waves.
How did the art competition end? In a draw.
Corny Jokes
Where can you buy soup in bulk? The stock market.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
Sea monsters have been known to eat what? Fish and ships.
What do you call a vicar who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.
How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
Which month of the year has 28 days? Um, all of them.
Why was the broom late to work? It overswept.
What does a pig use in the shower? Hog wash.
Why don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.
What did the drummer call his daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2.
Why do computers overheat? They need to vent.
What goes up and down but doesn’t actually move? Stairs.
Food Jokes
What do PHD students eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.
Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door? In case there's a salad dressing.
Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking? He was on a roll.
Why do prawns never share? Because they're shellfish.
What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? Halloumi!
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.
What did one pickle say to the other? Dill with it.
What food is never on time? Choco-late!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do you call a cup of coffee with a pair of trousers in it? A cupachinos.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? Gourdgeous.
How does Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What nuts always seem to have a cold? Cashews.
Who is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
What is the favorite fruit of twins? Pears.
What do you give to cure a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
What would you call a peanut in space? An astronut.
I could tell you a pizza joke… But it would probably be cheesy.
What happens when a walnut laughs heavily? It cracks up.
Excuse me sir, will my pizza be long? No, it’ll be round.
What’s the saddest fruit? A blueberry.
Where did the lettuce go for a drink? The salad bar.
Animal Jokes
Why do fish live in salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze.
What are spiders really good at? Surfing the web.
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
How does a farmer keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.
Why don't they play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What social events do spiders love to attend? Webbings.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why aren’t koalas considered bears? They don’t have the right koala-fications.
What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!
Where do cows go on Friday nights? The mooovies.
How do you make a baby snake cry? Take away its rattle.
What do you call a chicken that makes jokes? A comedihen.
What are caterpillars scared of? Dogerpillars.
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey.
Why can’t the leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
What kind of jacket does an octopus wear? An army jacket.
What sort of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
I was told I needed to stop acting like a flamingo... So I put my foot down.
Where do horses live? In neighhhhhbourhoods.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures? Vincent Van Goat!
Why are mice afraid of swimming? Catfish!
Best Funny Jokes for Adults
What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head? A-Dell.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What do toilets do when they're embarrassed? They get a bit flush.
How do you organize a space-themed party? You planet.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired? He had a hard drive.
What do runners eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.
How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying? You rocket.
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil? Because it's point-less.
What did the policeman say to his nipple? You're under a vest.
Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet? He kept getting lost at C.
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball.
What did the dentist win at the competition? A little plaque.
What do you call a skeleton with only a head? A nobody.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's very heavy, and the other’s a little lighter.
Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.
What do you call a patronizing bear? A pan-duh.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Why didn't the skeleton ever go on dates? He didn't have the guts to ask anyone.
Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? He's a bit of a pain in the neck.
What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.
What do you call a retired vegetable? A has-bean.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Why shouldn't you marry a calendar? Its days are numbered.
What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case? transparent Luck Holmes.
What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen? Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?
What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells.
What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.
Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
What’s the spookiest kind of author? A ghost writer.
What did the comedian say to Harry Potter? Why so Sirius?
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a keyboard? The space bar.
Did you hear about the people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Why is it hard to eat near basketball players? They dribble all the time.
Did you hear about the actor falling through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the group ski trip? It went downhill fast.
Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum? It was just collecting dust.
This is my step-ladder… I never knew my real ladder.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why.
I was going to take a bath… But then decided I was going to leave it where it was.
A bossy man walked into a bar… And ordered everyone a round.
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