Child-led parenting will only raise a generation of brats

Can you remember saying your first word, walking your first step or reaching for your first favourite toy? Me neither. And yet, there is a new trend in the world of “parenting” that argues that every second of what’s been termed the “early years” is linked to your emotional, psychological and even physical wellbeing in adulthood. In short, if your mother didn’t play peekaboo with you enough as a baby, chances are you’re going to be emotionally unregulated in your thirties.

I am not exaggerating. While launching a new government initiative promoting baby development, the then-minister for public health Andrea Leadsom announced that the “the 1,001 critical days from pregnancy to 2 years old is crucial for their future wellbeing”. That’s right, your future emotional wellbeing began when you were a mere twinkle in your father’s eye. Did your mother eat too many Big Macs while pregnant? How unfortunate, you’ll probably need therapy.

One of the pioneers of this pop-child psychology is the Princess of Wales, who launched The Royal Foundation Centre for Early Childhood in June 2021. In a recently published “framework” for parenting, the Princess and a team of “experts” have come up with some sage advice for parents on how to raise “a physically and mentally healthier society”.

This includes tips like speaking “parentese”, a “higher pitched, slower, and more exaggerated” way of talking the rest of us know as baby talk. Parents should also let their toddlers wear “their sparkly t-shirt, even when it needs a wash”, as allowing two-year-olds to “exercise personal preferences and desires” leads to “sophisticated knowledge-making skills”.

Let’s not be silly here, it is important to nurture what the Shaping Us foundation calls “agency” in children. This is not news to parents. I delight in letting my toddler pick the book he wants to read at bedtime, or decide which part of the playground we’re going to explore next. But if I gave in to his demands for clothing choices, he’d wear nothing but his beloved Spiderman pants come rain or shine.

The Princess of Wales and those who share her outlook in public-health departments like Start for Life have praised the idea of a “child-led” parenting philosophy. The old-school way of raising children, which involved a clear hierarchy between mum/dad and child, is not just out of date but the cause of society’s ills. Addiction, mental-health woes, it all comes down to lacklustre parenting of toddlers, apparently. Instead, we must get “much better at acting with compassion and empathy towards one another, to help us bond and maintain lasting relationships that bring meaning to our lives”.

But child-led parenting is bad parenting. It assumes that kids have an innate sense of what’s right and wrong, and that parents have nothing to offer in terms of wisdom or knowledge. It not only leads to the kind of poorly behaved brats you see kicking off in the aisles of Waitrose, but chips away at what is vital for good parenting: confidence.

What so much of our current obsession with “parenting” does – be it gentle, helicopter or whatever the latest fashion is – denigrates the idea that you as mum or dad know what’s best for your child. That doesn’t mean that help is superfluous – google was my best friend for bath temperatures, how much Calpol to give and potty training tips. But in terms of my kids’ emotional development – in other words, their happiness – I didn’t need an expert to tell me when, how or for how long to show love to my babies.

It’s no wonder that there are so many concerns about the birth rate. When children are presented as the world’s worst work project, with spreadsheets on “wake windows” for nap times, or details on how long you should maintain eye contact with your child to build “connections in their brain”, it’s no wonder so many men and women are putting it off. There is hard work involved in raising children, from the laundry they produce to the night wakings and constant demands for snacks.

But the rest of it – the peekaboo, the cooing, crawling and grabbing your finger – is not some emotional checklist for their future wellbeing but the joy of raising kids. The Princess of Wales might have the best intentions in the world, but by turning having children into a mummy-didn’t-love-me project, she and her team of finger-waggers are in danger of sucking all the fun out of what should be the best thing in the world.