How the Hell Do I Comfort My Kids During a Tragedy?
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Welcome to Ask Dr. Harvey Karp, our new fatherhood advice column at Esquire, where the author of The Happiest Baby on the Block and creator of the SNOO answers your burning questions about parenting. Got a query? Drop us a line in the comments.
Sometimes the world can be a frightening place, even for us grown-ups. Illness and death, violence and disasters can shatter our sense of security. For kids, who live in a magical world where good guys always win and endings are happy, these events can shake them to their core. When tragedy strikes, parents and other adults play a crucial role in helping children make sense of tough moments, find comfort, and build resilience. Our job as parents and “helpers” is to give them a tool kit to help them weather life’s storms. Here’s how.
Start with empathy
When kids feel anxious or afraid, we naturally want to offer comforting explanations or reassurances. That is an important part of our job, but a good rule is that before offering advice or distractions, start with empathy. Simply listening automatically gives kids—and upset or traumatized adults—a message of respect and safety. Phrases like “I care about you” and “You can trust that I am strong enough to hear your fears.” Then show your understanding by repeating back what you hear using three steps: 1) short phrases, 2) four or more repetitions, and 3) mirroring back one third of the person’s emotional message in a nonverbal way, i.e., with your tone of voice, facial gestures, and body language.
Little ones are emotional detectives. They pick up on our stress just by reading our faces and voices. Before sitting down with your child, take a deep breath and steady yourself. If they ask why you seem sad or worried, be honest but measured: “Yes, I feel a little sad, too. Sometimes you feel sad, don’t you?” This opens the door for them to share their own emotions without being overwhelmed by yours.
Take your time
When we feel listened to, heard, and understood—as a child or adult—our big emotions shrink to a more manageable size. A simple way to encourage them to open up is by using “door openers,” gentle cues that invite them to share. Nodding, raising your eyebrows, or saying, “Tell me more about that” can help. You might also reflect their feelings back to them: “I see you’re really worried. Your face looks scrunchy. Something’s on your mind, huh?” These small gestures help kids feel safe enough to express their emotions.
Let your child take the lead in the conversation and acknowledge their thoughts and feelings. You might say, “Hmm, I see you’ve been thinking a lot about this. That’s an interesting question. What do you think about that?” Giving them space to think aloud helps them process what they’ve seen or heard.
When it’s time to respond, use simple, clear language. Avoid too many details; there will be time to give more information later, once emotions are more calmed. It’s okay to say, “That’s a tough question, and I don’t know all the answers. But here’s what I do know: I love you, and I’m strong and smart, and I’ll be there to keep you safe.” Not every question needs to be answered right away. Sometimes a simple “Let’s think about that together” is enough.
Offer reassurance
After acknowledging their feelings, help them feel safe. Offer small, concrete reassurances like showing them that the doors are locked, pointing out how strong your home is, and reminding them about the family emergency plan. When kids see that you have things under control, it helps calm their nerves.
Another helpful strategy? Like Mr. Rogers taught children, “when scary things happen, look for the helpers.” When tragedy strikes, point out the firefighters, doctors, neighbors, and volunteers who step up to support others. This teaches kids that even in tough times, kindness and bravery shine through.
For young children, it can help to draw pictures. Putting it on paper helps them feel mastery and allows for building ideas of how things will get better. Also, add a few routines to your day. Routines build predictability, and predictability builds trust and safety. For example, try saying grace before meals or having everyone share something they liked the day before or give your child one or two Special Times each day. This is a Happiest Toddler technique that is a five- to ten-minute play period each day, with a timer keeping track, when the child gets your undivided attention and picks their favorite activity.
Limit exposure to distressing news
While we can’t shield kids from everything, we can be mindful of what they see and hear. Turn off the TV or news notifications when they’re around. To a young child, the images on the screen seem larger than life, more immediate, more frightening. If they do overhear something upsetting, be ready to step in and help them make sense of it in a way that feels safe and manageable. You can use another Happiest Toddler technique, called Gossiping, where you whisper something that is reassuring and allow them to “accidentally” overhear you.
Adapt your approach to your child’s needs
There’s no one-size-fits-all way to comfort a child during tough times. Think of it like aiming an arrow at a target. You need to consider the wind and tweak your aim accordingly. In this case, the “wind” is your child’s emotional state and temperament. A sensitive child might need more cuddles and gentle reassurance, while a more inquisitive child may find comfort in asking lots of questions. Follow their lead and adjust your responses to meet their emotional needs.
Lean in to the power of community
Tragedies can leave everyone feeling isolated and vulnerable. In difficult times, showing your child the strength of community can be a powerful source of comfort. Talk about how people help each other in tough moments, whether it’s neighbors checking in, volunteers bringing food, or friends doing simple acts of kindness. When children see that we’re all in this together, it helps them feel less alone and more hopeful.
Anchor your child in love and security
The most important thing your child needs is the reassurance that they are safe and loved. Even when the world feels uncertain, your presence and support are the strongest anchors they have. By being there to listen, validate, and comfort, you’re helping your child develop the confidence and resilience to navigate life’s challenges. Remember, you don’t need to have all the answers. What matters most is that you show up, show them their feelings matter, and remind them that you’re there to help. That’s what will help your child feel safe, loved, and strong, no matter what life throws their way.
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