The best jokes for when the dinner chat gets dry
Ok ok, so we're not claiming to be Ed Gamble or James Acaster, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward, or you're trying to make your niece laugh. Or maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting "If you make me laugh I will buy you a car."
Here are 101 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, even if you do think they're a bit cringe.
Short jokes
How do you know if a vampire is unwell?
Because he'll be coffin
Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand shops
Why did the bicycle collapse?
It was too tyred
What kind of music do bubbles hate?
Pop
Why did the hairdresser win the race?
He knew a shortcut
How did the picture end up in prison?
It was framed
What do solicitors wear to work?
Lawsuits
Why did the bullet lose its job?
It got fired
Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long?
Then it’d be a foot
Want to hear a joke about a roof?
The first one’s on the house
What does a house wear?
Address!
What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you at the corner"
Why is grass so dangerous?
It’s full of blades
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot
Why do French people eat snails?
They don’t like fast food
Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing?
A meatball
How do trees get online?
They just log on!
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
What’s America’s favourite soda?
Mini soda
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
She’ll let it go
What kind of music do planets like?
Neptunes
What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands
How do you follow a book?
You track their footnotes
What’s the biggest problem with snow boots?
They melt
Food jokes
What do PHD students eat when they're hungry?
Academia nuts
Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door?
In case there's a salad dressing
Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking?
He was on a roll
Why do prawns never share?
Because they're shellfish
What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror?
Halloumi!
What do you call a drunk parsnip?
A steaming vegetable
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling
What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it
What food is never on time?
Choco-late!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
How much room should you give to the funghi?
As mushroom as you can
What do you call a cup of coffee with a pair of trousers in it?
A cupachinos
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
Animal jokes
What’s the most famous fish?
A starfish!
What are spiders really good at?
Surfing the web
What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador
How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator
What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator
Where would you find a giraffe?
The same place you lost it!
Why don't they play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs
How do you measure a slug?
In inches, because they don't have feet
What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
They don’t have the right koala-fications
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
What’s the smartest insect?
A spelling bee!
Where do cows go on Friday nights?
The moovies
How do you make a baby snake cry?
Take away its rattle
What do you call a chicken that makes jokes?
A comedihen
What are caterpillars scared of?
Dogerpillars
Why didn’t the lion win the race?
Because he was racing a cheetah
Why did the bee get married?
Because she found her honey
Why can’t the leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted
What kind of jacket does an octopus wear?
An army jacket
More funny jokes
What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head?
A-Dell
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
What do toilets do when they're embarrassed?
They always get a bit flush
How do you organise a space-themed party?
You planet
Why do pancakes always win at cricket?
They have the best batter
Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired?
He had a hard-drive
What do runners eat before a race?
Nothing - they fast
How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying?
You rocket
What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon
Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?
Because it's point-less
What did the policeman say to his nipple?
You're under a vest
Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet?
He kept getting lost at C
Why was Cinderella so bad at rugby?
She kept running away from the ball
What did the dentist win at the competition?
A little plaque
What do you call a skeleton with only a head?
A nobody
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's very heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
Why do ghosts like to take the lift?
It lifts their spirits
What do you call a patronising bear?
A pan-duh
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field
Why didn't the skeleton never go on dates?
He didn't have the guts to ask anyone
Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it
Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
He's a bit of a pain in the neck
What do you call a guy who’s really loud?
Mike
What do you call a retired vegetable?
A has-bean
Can February March?
No, but April May!
Why shouldn't you marry a calendar?
Its days are numbered
Why do barbers make good drivers?
They know a lot of short cuts
What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case?
Sheer Luck Holmes
What’s it called when you have too many aliens?
Extraterrestrials
What should you do if you’re cold?
Stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back for seconds
Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen?
Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?
What does one eye say to the other eye?
Something between us smells
What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
1forrest1
Why should you never trust stairs?
They’re always up to something
What’s the spookiest kind of author?
A ghost writer
What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
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