A Very Serious Ranking of Public Locations to Be Down Bad Crying (That Aren’t the Gym)
I don’t like to brag, but I cry a lot (and, if I’m being honest, am not all that productive!). One thing that happens when you are a card-carrying Frequent Crier like myself is you wind up occasionally weeping in public locations, including—as Taylor Swift has recently made famous in the way only she can—at the gym.
As both a Pisces and a New Yorker, I pretty much consider these public displays of grief (PDGs) my birthright. As John Mulaney famously observed, “If you keep your eyes peeled, you’ll see crying white ladies all over this city!” Indeed, there are women in visible emotional distress everywhere for those with eyes to see. And while I commend Taylor both for this iconic display of crying core representation and for managing to romanticize what is, IMO, one of the least hot PDG locales, I couldn’t help but put on my Carrie Bradshaw hat and wonder, is the gym really the best place to be down bad crying about your breakup?
Sure, there’s a level of both novelty and absurdity to crying at the gym that elevates it a bit above your standard subway sob—at least from a creativity standpoint. Like, it is pretty hilarious to be doing something that literally releases endorphins and to have your brain be like, “Lol, nope, still sad.” But at a certain point, the abject silliness of it starts to overshadow the main character energy. Like, fine, I’m sure when Taylor cries in whatever billionaire private gym situation she has going on, it’s pretty glamorous. But when I’m sobbing on a purple stair climber at Planet Fitness, I just look ridiculous.
Fortunately, there are plenty of other public settings where we mere mortals can weep with dignity. Or, you know, at least with some dramatic flair. And so, for your PDG inspiration, I have graciously compiled this official ranking of places to cry about your breakup in public according to me, a woman who cried every day for the entire month of February this year. (And lest we forget, it was a leap year!)
For the purposes of this highly scientific, very important grading system, I will give each location a rating out of five for three categories: Novelty, Messiness, and Main Character Energy. Generally speaking, I’d say a good public crying situation is one that skews low on Messiness, High on MCE. But final rankings will, of course, be determined by a precise formula of, “IDK, this is just what I decided.”
Okay, now let’s get out there and make some innocent bystanders uncomfortable with our public displays of despair, shall we?
10. On Social Media
Novelty: 0
Messiness: 5
Main Character Energy: 0
I don’t know if this even counts as crying “in public,” but I do know that it definitely counts as “annoying as fuck.” Crying for content is the lowest form of PDG. Not only does weeping for the camera take all of the authenticity out of the act, but it’s also a total cop out! You’re reaching for public crying clout without actually braving the public humiliation of physically breaking down in polite society. If you just happen to tear up in the middle of an Instagram Live, fine, I’ll show some mercy. But if you go out of your way to record yourself crying just to post it on TikTok, I’ll see you in hell.
9. At Work
Novelty: 1
Messiness: 4
Main Character Energy: 2
While I have a lot of sympathy for a work cry, I’m afraid I simply can’t condone it. It’s a high risk, low reward PDG situation that isn’t particularly creative or romantic. Like, yeah, you’ll definitely be the main character at the office that day—but no one wants to be the main character at the office, y’know?
8. At Someone Else’s Party
Novelty: 3
Messiness: 5
Main Character Energy: 5
One time in high school, I cried for, like, two straight hours in a coat closet at my friend’s Sweet 16 party. (Hi Caitlin. Sorry Caitlin.) While it was peak main character behavior, it was, unfortunately, also very messy. Causing a scene is one thing, but stealing it from someone else is not the move.
7. On the Floor of the Club Bathroom
Novelty: 2
Messiness: 5
Main Character Energy: 3
I once got kicked out of a club for doing this. Admittedly, I’m a bit hazy on the details because anything I did between the ages of, like, 21 and 24 is really none of my business. But overall, I just can’t recommend crying over your summer situationship on the floor of a club bathroom. Or, for that matter, being on the floor of a club bathroom, period. Bad idea all around.
6. Just in the Club, Proper
Novelty: 3
Messiness: 2
Main Character Energy: 4
Honestly, if you can hold it together out there on the dance floor while you also happen to be crying? The power to you, my friend. That’s pretty baller. Just don’t retreat to the bathroom and you’re good.
5. In the Back of an Uber
Novelty: 1
Messiness: 2
Main Character Energy: 3
Like Taylor, I too have spent some time drunk in the back of the car crying like a baby coming home from the bar. It’s not particularly messy, but other than the “Cruel Summer” coding of it all, it’s not all that exciting, either. Plus, it might fuck up your Uber rating. (Ask me about my 4.8.)
4. At the Bar
Novelty: 1
Messiness: 3
Main Character Energy: 3
Honestly, crying at the bar feels pretty fair game to me. Like, you’ve gotta keep it somewhat contained, but as long as you maintain something below an audible sob, that’s pretty much what bars were invented for. As one of my male friends remarked a few months ago as I sat weeping quietly into my prosecco while he and another male friend just kind of averted their gaze, “I’ve been out with so many girls this year who cry at bars and everyone just has to pretend it’s not happening.” (Related: The girls are not alright!)
3. At Your Own Party
Novelty: 3
Messiness: 3
Main Character Energy: 5
“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” is iconic for a damn reason. That’s it, no notes.
2. On the Subway
Novelty: 0
Messiness: 2
Main Character Energy: 4
Cliché? Played out? Yes, of course. But the subway sob is a classic. An institution. A rite of passage! You can’t make a big deal about it—like, “Wow, I’m sooo New York right now”—but you’ve gotta do it at least once to understand the hype. Plus, as far as crying in a contained public space goes, the subway is pretty par for the course. Like, you shedding a tear or two is probably not anywhere near the weirdest thing anyone’s seen on the train that day.
1. In the Street
Novelty: 2
Messiness: 1
Main Character Energy: 5
Openly weeping in the street is the subway sob’s edgier, more primal cousin. This is what it truly means to commune with the urban wilderness. Scream, cry, smash your phone repeatedly on the sidewalk. It’s all above board. These streets belong to no one and everyone, and you best believe that—when I am not making out in them—I will melt the everliving fuck down in them if I want to!
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