Is it unhealthy to believe in romantic twin flames?
Ever heard people refer to their twin flame, or say they're on a quest to find their twin flame, and wondered what that means?
In Plato’s Symposium, the comic playwright Aristophanes tells the story of early humans. As he tells it, they were grotesque creatures with all the features of two human beings combined: four legs, two faces, two sets of sexual organs. With all those legs and all that power, the early humans were freakish, speedy beings who rolled all over the earth causing trouble. Fearing their strength, Zeus split them in two, leaving them weak and roaming the earth for their other half. The story is retold (beautifully) through song, “The Origin of Love”, in John Cameron Mitchell’s 2001 musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch, focusing more on the romance.
The Origin of Love is a dramatic, comedic version of a myth that pervades throughout culture in different forms: that of a kind of soulmate, an other half that’s roaming the earth looking for you as you are for them. Another theory is the idea of a “Twin Flame”, a kind of soulmate but more intense. And there are multiple other theories about the origin of this idea. Twin flames were brought into the collective consciousness by Megan Fox recently, who said on a podcast that singer Machine Gun Kelly was hers, that, “we're actually two halves of the same soul.”
What is a twin flame?
The idea is closer to that of the ugly early humans than that of a soulmate – where a soulmate is someone who just shares energy with you, a twin flame is the other half of your soul, as allegedly, a single soul can split into two after ascending to a high frequency, landing in two separate bodies. The websites and books on the idea believe that you will eventually unite with your twin flame, either in this life or another one. Proponents of the theory refer to the eight “stages” of twin flame relationships, from Yearning For the One down to Oneness. Signs you’ve found yours include increased synchronicity in your life, like seeing 11:11, intense sex, and a “deep knowing”. Understandably, the concept is controversial.
It’s easy to see why the idea is attractive. It can make you feel as if endless swiping and fruitless dates is in pursuit of a greater cause, that eventually, you will find what you’re looking for. It can make it seem, too, as if you don’t actually need to look. But is it healthy to believe there is any truth to it?
Sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight believes that twin flames are real, and that they can be a platonic partner. “Your twin flame might be your best friend, someone you instantly clicked with at work, or your partner. The twin flame connection isn’t necessarily about romance,” she says. She believes that keeping your options open until you meet someone you feel that deep connection with is a good idea, however, “it is easy to romanticise this idea to the point of it becoming unrealistic.”
Sex and relationship coach Lucy Rowett is less optimistic. She reiterates that there is no scientific basis to this concept, and that you should be wary of people trying to make money off it. “I call bullshit, as do most relationship coaches and therapists. You will always attract somebody with similar or compatible wounding to you and relationships are a brilliant container to shine a light on it,” she says.
“The concept is essentially saying there is somebody out there who is another expression of your soul, so you are somehow incomplete without them. I think most people can identify with feeling incomplete as this is part of the human experience, so to find a teaching that says that there is a person out there who can complete you is worrying. This feeds into our already unhealthy obsessions with romantic love to fill a void which nobody can ever fill,” she adds.
I’m inclined to agree with Lucy: it’s dangerous to idealise any type of relationship. “It feeds unhealthy narratives that being with your twin flame is better than being with somebody who is not, and the relationship is somehow more ‘spiritual,’” she says. Lucy sees that the people who are drawn to the theory are often vulnerable, with a history of trauma and toxic relationships, which worries her. “You are putting an unhealthy and unrealistic expectation on a partner, with an assumption that they will fill every emotional need because they're the other half of your soul,” she says. She adds that believing in narratives like twin flames can often feed codependency and lead to unhealthy, fiery, jealous relationships.
There will be people, both platonic and romantic, that we feel instant, deep connections with on an almost spiritual level. Believing that meeting someone is predestined is not inherently unhealthy, but you need to be realistic. Avoid making sacrifices in the hunt for your twin flame, and remember that all relationships need work.
Lucy believes there are other things you can look for to find your “one”: “I agree with having a certain standard of the kind of person you would want to date, such as shared values, behaviours, and attitudes, and being discerning about if the people you are dating fit those criteria. If you are looking for a long term relationship and commitment, or just casual dating, hooking up, or an open relationship, you must be sure that your date is on the same page," she says.
Throughout your life, you’re likely to meet people who you bond immediately and powerfully with. It’s worth looking at other reasons why you might have bonded beyond soul ties: is it shared trauma, similar mental health issues, your cultural backgrounds? There are many things that connect us on a deep level, and even if they’re more tangible than soul bonds, they’re not to be dismissed.
I would also advise against entrusting someone who promises you knowledge of twin flames and finding yours for £ - they’re preying on your loneliness. Lucy concludes with solid advice, “Are you chasing after the impossible and an idealised version of a human being that doesn't exist?” Isn’t that just dating?
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