16 Times Sex Therapists Didn't Hold ANYTHING Back, And Shared What Sex Is Really Like In Relationships
Reddit user meeeeeeeeeeeeesh asked sex therapists of the community, "What do you wish more people knew, and what are some of the most obscure things people have come to you with?"
Therapists revealed some pretty note-worthy things most people don't know about, and will probably change the way you view your sex life.
So, here are some eye-opening secrets straight from sex therapists:
Note: Some stories were pulled from this Reddit thread by user HalcyonHysteria.
Warning: This post includes topics of sexual trauma. Please proceed with caution.
1."Everyone needs to learn about 'sexual concordance.' What a body does, and how you feel/think about it, are often two different things. Understanding how sexual concordance happens is probably the single-greatest gift you can give yourself and your future/current partners. Generally, for men, they tend to be more sexually concordant than women. Generally, women are not quite as sexually concordant as men. For many people, a 'sexy situation' doesn't always equal arousal. Sometimes, for men and women, something that shouldn't (for whatever reason) be arousing is, and vice versa. Everyone needs to be aware that a body's response is not always in-line with what they think should happen. Emily Nagoski's excellent book Come As You Are is a great way to get sexual concordance in your vocabulary."
2."People can become conditioned by how we masturbate. Vibrators can cause insensitivity and numbness — vaginas and anuses are tight, but maybe not as tight as a sex device. Even the time of day, environment, and position can all become something you 'need' during sex but don't even realize. Communication is important between partners, but also with ourselves."
3."More women should put a mirror under their vagina to get to know it better. Tons of sexual issues come from a lack of self-body knowledge. People should also know that gay people aren't defined by anal sex or by being a top or bottom. It would be so much easier if people were taught that safe sex is not only avoiding pregnancy or STIs — they work to prevent both, and many persons tend to forget one of those parts. And it's never about trust with condoms — it's about yourself. Trust makes people blame the partner about STIs when it's mostly a decision made by oneself and not by the partner."
"I’d like to tack onto that that men should also take the time to know what they look like. That, and to realize that a vagina is only so deep despite what porn with its 'creative photography' portrays. It took me a long time to get comfortable with myself, though my current girlfriend is a massive help."
4."Never stick anything in your butt that you can't pull out easily. If something ends up stuck in the butt, don't try to get it out. You'll only push it in deeper (and prepare for a really weird poop). You need to wash your goddamned sex toys, and consider using condoms on them. They'll last longer and be more hygienic. Never use a silicone-based lube on a sex toy. Also, female condoms have improved significantly over the years. They're a lot more comfortable, they cost less, and they give you a lot of control."
5."If you feel satisfied during sex, there's nothing wrong with your sex life. Two minutes, 30 minutes — whatever works best for you. We're talking averages (also timing yourself) — I used to swear it was 15–20 minutes. But the actual time? Eight to nine minutes. Sex can distort your perception of time."
6."Sex addiction isn't a formal diagnosis, and treatment will likely not be covered by insurance. Technically we diagnose another specified impulse control disorder with compulsive sexual behavior."
7."A lot of problems couples have in bed result from unrealistic ideas about how 'good sex' should be. For example, there was this one guy who told me he suffered from premature ejaculation. He was afraid that his girlfriend (who he was dating for about two months) would leave him because of it. He was pretty reluctant about details, so I started questioning him about previous relationships. I was pretty surprised that he never considered his stamina a problem before, so I talked to his girlfriend. When I asked her how long her boyfriend would last, she told me in an embarrassed and desperate manner: 'You know, he always finishes after only 25 minutes or so.' So, in that case, a little sex ed did the trick."
8."Sex isn't only about penetration. Try focusing on what makes both of you feel good. The old cliché of 'it's the journey, not the destination' is really useful when it comes to sex."
9."I'm a therapist specializing in gender and sexuality, and I work with adolescents and families (though I've worked with all ages). One of the things I wish everyone knew (particularly young people and their parents) is that it's okay for your identity to grow and change as you grow and change. You can identify as gay now and later start identifying as bisexual. Lesbian might make more sense right now — and even if you later feel that something else describes you better in the future, that doesn't mean any of your feelings then or now are illegitimate (or that changing a 'label' makes you a 'liar'). Your attractions, sex drive, and body image can change (though usually not drastically) as you age. That's fine. Roll with it."
10."The most common theme I see in practice is people not communicating openly and honestly. The fix is simple — talk to each other. Just to be clear, the fix isn't actually that simple. But I don't want to break down years of training and hours of counseling into layman's terms and explain every little thing — so I shortened it to 'talk.'"
11."I work in pelvic floor physical rehab. Consider physical health (pelvic muscle weakness and/or tightness) important to overall health. It also isn't 'normal' for there to be pain with/after intercourse (unless that's your thing). Many things can result in this happening, but it's not healthy."
12."A lot of older men come in requesting Viagra because they want to start dating again. Some of them have lost their wives, and some of them have had recent divorces. These men haven't been able to achieve an erection in quite some time. They get nervous when their friends set them up on dates because they believe these new women will not find their impotence attractive. So, they think Viagra is the answer. I always inform them of the side effects and tell them to take it easy at first if they aren't used to having sex. Regardless, at least once a month, it never fails. A man will come back to my office on Monday with his arm in a sling. I ask them, 'Mr. [X], what seems to be the problem?' and they tell me, 'My date didn't show up.'"
13."Feeling sexy comes from leaning into 'being sexy,' so scheduled sex today can lead to delightfully spontaneous sex tomorrow. Too many people settle into the cold comfort of a minimally maintained relationship, and let the friendship and sexy side of a relationship wither. Schedule a date to go do something together, agree to a time to have sex, and things usually get better."
"I love scheduled sex. I get to anticipate it all day, and as someone who can take some time to get warmed up, it's really helpful."
14."Sexual dysfunctions (like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, etc.) are the most common problems. The standard treatment for these (if the cause of the problem is not biological) is sort of a 'reprogramming' of the couples' sexuality. It's called Sensate Focus by Masters & Johnson. The convenient thing about this method is that you can adjust it to almost any sexual dysfunction and every couple's needs. Depending on the dysfunction, specific exercises can be added. For example, the start-and-stop technique for premature ejaculation, dilators for vaginismus, or masturbation training for anorgasmia. One reason why Sensate Focus works really well is that in comparison to other psychological treatments, it's actually pretty fun."
15."A satisfying relationship inside the bedroom starts outside the bedroom. I used to intern with therapists, and they'd always stress the importance of communication. One of the therapists loved The 5 Love Languages (which I believe started as a book), but she'd tell them to take a free quiz online to figure out their 'love language.' So many patients throughout the years would say how learning their 'love language' helped save their relationships. I've personally found it incredibly beneficial as well. If nothing else, it opens the door for communication with your S.O. on what's important and meaningful to you, which can lead to a much more satisfying sexual relationship."
"When I first met my wife, she would talk about this, and I thought it was silly. Then, I started to read the details, and it clicked that this was how she was opening the door to communication. We both were previously divorced from horrible first marriages.
That trust worked its way into the bedroom — it's the best sex we have ever had, and we are in our forties. So, as silly as these 5 Love Languages sound, they really work as a springboard to how you might subconsciously express or want to be loved. The idea is so simple, yet the effects are pretty profound. I cannot sing the praises of The 5 Love Languages enough!"
16.And finally, "In my sex therapy practice, I specialize in kink-aware counseling. You’d be surprised how many partners/spouses react negatively to their partner expressing an interest in BDSM. The stigma around sensory exchange (my preferred term for SM play) is huge. DS is only slightly better...the bias tends to be toward 'low self-esteem' as opposed to 'broken, traumatized person.' But neither mindset is useful or accurate. I help people understand what and why people identify as kinky and help people find common ground between 'vanilla' vs. BDSM in their relationships. BDSM doesn’t equate to abuse or domestic violence or imply a traumatic history."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
