Review: 'The Legend of Tarzan' is unbelievably insipid

Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgård) and Jane (Margot Robbie) in “The Legend of Tarzan.” (Golden Village Pictures)

Marcus Goh is a Singapore television scriptwriter. He’s also a Transformers enthusiast and avid pop culture scholar. He Tweets/Instagrams at Optimarcus and writes at marcusgohmarcusgoh.com. The views expressed are his own.

Secret ending? No.

Running time: 110 minutes (~2 hours)

“The Legend of Tarzan” is an adventure film about the exploits of Tarzan, and the latest film in the “Tarzan” franchise, although it doesn’t have any strong continuity with previous films. Tarzan discovers an old nemesis awaits him back in his home jungle, and teams up with George Washington Williams. It stars Alexander Skarsgård (Tarzan), Margot Robbie (Jane Porter), Samuel L. Jackson (George Washington Williams), Christoph Waltz (Captain Leon Rom), and Djimon Hounsou (Chief Mbonga). It is rated PG-13.

“The Legend of Tarzan” takes itself way too seriously given that its premise is completely over the top. Tarzan is, by nature, a campy character that finds himself in equally larger than life situations. Yet the treatment is so serious that it ends up dragging the pace of the movie down with it as we see tales of how Tarzan and Jane met as Tarzan and George trek through the jungles to save… who are they saving again?

George (Samuel L. Jackson) and Tarzan in “The Legend of Tarzan.” (Golden Village Pictures)

Highlights

George as comic relief

Samuel L. Jack displays his comedic prowess as George Washington Williams, Tarzan’s gun toting buddy who can barely keep up with Tarzan’s running speed. Somehow, he still manages to make it to all the important scenes, even though he appears to be on the brink of exhaustion each time we see him. George is the only character that embodies the campy spirit of Tarzan, a bright beacon of light in this gloomy, soft-focused mess of a film.

Tarzan leaps into battle in “The Legend of Tarzan.” (Golden Village Pictures)

Letdowns

Tarzan is unbelievably superhuman

Tarzan punches people through trains. That’s right, he’s strong enough to smash someone through a train as though it were cardboard. He wrestles apes and survives, and it’s almost as if he has every conceivable superpower except flight. Alexander Skarsgård is buff, no doubt, and the film reminds you that even his neck is so muscular that a mere flex is able to destroy unbreakable items. Why is anything a threat to him in that case?

Not enough of Tarzan in the jungle

“The Legend of Tarzan” spends a lot of his legend in civilisation, as Tarzan angsts and angsts and angsts again about going back to the jungle. The problem is that we’re all here to see Tarzan in the jungle, and every minute we don’t see that is a minute we’re spending on the wrong film. You can be abominably late to the film and you still won’t get to see Tarzan in the jungle.

Tarzan’s backstory is uninteresting

The film spends so much on time telling us how Tarzan and Jane met so as to establish some sort of romance and give us a reason for all that screentime spent smooching. Yes, you’re treated to regular displays of lavish physical affection as Tarzan and Jane eat each other’s faces in romance novel cover poses. Did you come to “The Legend of Tarzan” to see Tarzan and Jane smooching? I didn’t think so.

Antagonists seem like a series of conveniently placed boss fights

I had to check if there was a “The Legend of Tarzan” video game out because each character that Tarzan fights is strategically placed at neat checkpoints between different stages of the film. His fights all happen to be solo, one-on-one affairs despite the fact that he’s got an ally with him. An ally with a gun, I might add. It’s unbelievable.

Tarzan poses in “The Legend of Tarzan.” (Golden Village Pictures)

“The Legend of Tarzan” is unbelievably in more ways than one, and unbelievably insipid.

Should you watch this for free? OK.

Should you watch this at weekday movie ticket prices? If you like Tarzan or Alexander Skarsgård.

Score: 2.5/5

“The Legend of Tarzan” opens in cinemas 30 June, 2016 (Thursday).