Relationship Anxiety Is *the* Actual Worst. Here's How to Deal.
Are you always overthinking, overanalyzing, or getting anxious about your relationship? You feel on-edge all the time, you get panicky when you and your partner have a disagreement, or maybe you’re always low-key scared they’re going to break up with you. Even feeling slightly unsure about a relationship can be enough to cause an anxious spiral. If this cycle sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Relationship anxiety is a real thing, but it doesn’t have to mean that your love is doomed.
“Anxiety is a normal emotion that we experience when our brain senses we might be in danger or when we are experiencing stress,” says Traci Williams, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in family relationships. Relationship anxiety can cause you to excessively worry about the future, ruminate on the past, overthink your relationship, or even doubt your partner—even when they reassure you. “You might notice that you are stressed over your relationship, thinking about it often, having difficulties with eating or sleeping, or experiencing muscle tension,” Williams adds.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), anxiety generally involves “recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns” along with physical changes (think: sweaty palms, rapid heart beat, dizziness, tummy aches, and more). If you notice any of these sensations popping up in your life—especially in the context of your relationship—it may be a sign something deeper is going on.
But like all emotions, anxiety can ebb and flow. Just because you’re feeling off right now doesn’t mean your anxiety will last forever, and luckily, experts say it doesn’t have to get in the way of your romance entirely. Here’s what relationship anxiety is, why it might be happening to you, and how to deal, according to therapists.
What Is Relationship Anxiety, Exactly?
Generally speaking, relationship anxiety is when you worry, overthink, or feel constantly uneasy about your partner or relationship to the point where it interferes with your daily life. You may feel like things are totally overwhelming—even if your relationship is going well, says licensed therapist Whitney Coleman, LICSW. “Anxiety is a complex emotional experience often related to feeling a loss of control,” Coleman says. “Everyone experiences anxiety on some level, but clinical levels of anxiety can be all-consuming and impede on your ability to do daily tasks.”
If you’re typically nervous, irritable, doubtful, or insecure about your relationship, there’s a good chance you may be experiencing relationship anxiety. This can look like overthinking or being in a constant state of fight-or-flight. “Mentally, when we are in fight or flight mode, we can have racing thoughts, ruminate on the things that worry us, and feel irritable or on edge,” says Kaylee Rose Friedman, LPC, a licensed counselor and certified sex therapist. If you feel like something could go wrong at any moment but your relationship seems to be going well, there’s a chance relationship anxiety is creeping in.
What Causes Relationship Anxiety?
Although there is no universal cause of anxiety for everyone, here are a few reasons it might be happening to you.
1. You’re questioning the relationship.
“You might be experiencing relationship anxiety if you question if you’re with the right person, wonder where the relationship is going, feel overwhelmed by your partner, or don’t feel like your needs are being met,” says Williams. You may even feel a combination of these things, but you’re afraid to bring them up with your partner (or anyone), making things even more anxiety-inducing.
2. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself.
Another simple, yet powerful reason: Dating is tough, and you may be putting too much pressure on yourself to read your partner’s mind or ensure that the relationship succeeds. “There is an inherent vulnerability in putting yourself out there,” says Coleman. “It's exciting, but it can also make you very anxious while you figure out the other person's wants and needs.” Let’s be real: How many times have you tried to guess what your partner was thinking, but couldn’t? Or analyzed a text from your long-distance boyfriend, fell into an anxious spiral, and decided they were going to break up with you? *Sigh.*
3. Your partner’s actions are making you anxious.
Sometimes, there may be specific things your partner does that make you anxious—for example, being short over text, canceling plans, flirting with other people (which, hi, potential red flag!), or other behaviors or circumstances that cause you to doubt the relationship. Depending on the behavior and severity, experts say that many situations can typically be worked on by communicating with your partner. But let’s be clear: If you have any hunch that your relationship is toxic, unhealthy, or that you’re being mistreated or abused, your anxiety could be an indication of something deeper, and it might be necessary to seek outside help (more on that soon).
4. You have an anxious attachment style.
Relationship anxiety can result from having an anxious attachment style. “Adult attachment theory places adults in one of three categories: anxious, avoidant, and secure,” says licensed counselor Jennifer Toof, LPC, a certified trauma therapist. People with anxious attachment styles tend to have a strong desire for closeness and protection. “These are the people who worry constantly about their partner abandoning or rejecting them, which can make them excessively clingy, highly jealous, or suspicious about what their partner is doing or thinking.”
Since attachment styles are often developed in early childhood, it can be challenging to “unlearn” what we know about relationships in our adult lives—which, as you can imagine, makes the whole ~anxiety thing~ even harder. “People with anxious attachment style were often children who had their needs met inconsistently or felt their needs may only be met if they behaved in a certain way,” says licensed therapist and mental health consultant Nashira Kayode, PhD. “The fear of losing or being rejected by the other person is always lurking.” Because of that fear, you may feel like you constantly need your partner to be happy for things to be safe. “The anxious attachment person always feels the threat of losing the person and needs frequent reassurance that the other person will not leave them,” Kayode adds.
5. Or, you may not have an exact reason.
Other times, relationship anxiety can stem from the fact that you’re feeling insecure, are dealing with low self-esteem, or are generally stressed and can’t exactly pinpoint where the anxiety is coming from. “Sometimes, we pick up on things intuitively but cannot verbalize what it is we are noticing, and this can cause anxiety,” Coleman explains. As you can see, this creates a brutal cycle that can make it challenging to find peace with your partner—no matter what’s causing the uneasiness.
So, What Can I Do About My Relationship Anxiety?
Realizing you have relationship anxiety can be frustrating and confusing. Here are some expert-approved tips for what to do next.
1. Try to identify the root cause.
“If your anxiety is keeping you from being able to complete daily tasks, it’s time to start writing down what makes you anxious and see if you can determine what triggers it,” says Coleman. “Keep a list or journal where you write down when the anxiety was triggered, what happened in the hour before, and who was involved.” Then, see if there are any patterns. Do you get panicky if your partner doesn’t text back right away? Are you more stressed in the morning or at night? Did something happen that reminded you of a tough moment in your past? These data points can help you figure out what’s *actually* going on, and why.
2. Remind yourself to stay in the present moment.
“Anxiety is a future-oriented emotion, meaning it's based on thinking about what could happen,” Coleman explains. Instead of fixating on the worst possible future outcomes, she recommends incorporating mindfulness into your routine as a way of rooting yourself in the present moment and reality. “Use grounding exercises to help reduce some of the anxious feelings,” she adds. You may want to try meditation, yoga, make an anxiety playlist, listen to a podcast, or go for a walk or jog to help interrupt the anxious thought spiral.
3. Talk to a licensed therapist or couples counselor.
If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, it may help to seek therapy. “Certain types of therapy, like Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), have been shown to be effective for people with relationship anxiety,” Williams says. “Working with a therapist who understands attachment styles can help you not only recognize and manage your anxiety, but also understand how your childhood affects your relationship today.”
4. Try the LOVE method.
If you sense you might have an anxious attachment style, Kayode recommends using the “LOVE” method—which stands for “learn,” “observe,” “voice,” and “explore”—to manage your feelings. “Learn as much as you can about anxious attachment style, anxiety in general, and what healthy attachment styles look like,” she says. “Then, observe how you interact with your partner. Are you constantly afraid they may leave you even though there is no reason to think that? Are you calling them all day? If they don’t respond to your text fast enough, do you think that means they are cheating?”
The next step, Kayode says, is to voice your thoughts to your partner so you can grow closer. “Letting your partner know why you do the things you do gives them an opportunity to learn more about you and how they can help meet your needs,” she says. The last step is to explore new ways to practice healthy attachment with them. “For example, scheduling weekly check-ins with your partner may provide the ongoing reassurance you need that the relationship is stable and moving in a positive direction while providing space to work on issues.”
5. Determine whether your relationship is *actually* healthy or not.
Because anxiety is basically our body’s alarm system to warn us about threats, it can be difficult to distinguish between a classic case of overthinking and real danger. “Are you anxious because you are actually in an unhealthy relationship?” says Friedman. Or, is this more about your attachment style and healing from past wounds? She recommends identifying the green and red flags in your relationship to help determine whether it’s truly healthy or not.
To be clear, general worry and anxiety is very different from feeling unsettled because a relationship is toxic. “If your anxiety is being caused by a real threat, like a controlling or abusive partner, turn to people who you trust and who can support you. Make a plan to keep yourself safe,” Williams says. If you’re unsure, confiding in people you trust, getting an unbiased perspective, and working with a therapist can be great places to start.
Remember: Dealing with relationship anxiety doesn’t mean your love is doomed! “If you believe that your relationship is healthy, and you are still experiencing relationship anxiety, that may be an indication that you have some deeper healing work to do,” Friedman says. “Learning more about Attachment Theory can be a good place to start.”
Plus, even if you do have an anxious attachment style, Toof says that you can become more confident over time. “Thankfully, attachment styles can change. For example, if the anxious person experiences a very solid and safe relationship, this could produce such a feeling of calmness and security that their relationship anxiety goes away,” she explains.
The bottom line? You deserve to feel safe, secure, and happy in your relationship. If anxiety starts to rear its ugly head, don’t sabotage what you’ve got—instead, take a deep breath, communicate your emotions with your partner, and seek support. Better days are on the way.
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