People Are Revealing The Lessons They Learned From Their First Real Relationship That Changed Them Forever
Reddit user PhenomenalPancake asked the AskReddit community, "What's the most important thing you learned from your first relationship?" Folks took to the thread to share the hard-hitting life lessons they learned thanks to their first love. Some were uplifting and inspiring, while others were harsher truths. Regardless, all were incredibly useful for people navigating romantic relationships. Here's what was shared:
1."You can do everything 'right,' and they might still cheat on you. You can be the perfect partner. Or, you can be the person who tracks their location, goes through their phones, shares social media, and forbids them from having other-gender friends. Where there's a will, there's a way. Controlling behavior isn't healthy. Now, I live by the mentality: 'If they cheat, I leave, but there is nothing I can do to prevent it from happening.' It made me a better person and honestly lifted a huge weight off my shoulders."
2."Even your relationships that don't work out can help you learn how to be in a relationship and be a better partner. Experience isn't all just fancy moves in the bedroom; it's learning how to balance your lives, being mindful of someone else's needs (especially when they differ from yours), being a more effective communicator, and knowing in what ways you need to take care of yourself and how your partner can best help you. Honestly, being a good boyfriend/girlfriend is a valuable skill that should be developed."
3."Don't lower your standards or tolerate awful behavior just because you're horny/lonely."
"To add onto this: Don't take excuses for poor behavior. You can't make someone act how you want them to — that's controlling — but if someone isn't treating you properly or how you want to be treated, you can always leave and seek what you're looking for elsewhere. Suppose you communicate, and they know they are not treating you properly and consistently make excuses that you accept ('consistently' being the keyword because everyone has their days where they may be off or preoccupied and can't give you the attention you want/need). In that case, nothing will ever change, and you will not get the attention you want/need. This is one I've had to learn the hard way a couple of times before it indeed sunk in.Again, I emphasize that this is for consistently repeated behavior, not isolated one-offs, such as if their dog just died or they had a really stressful day at work or something. I'm talking about patterns of using excuses and false promises of 'doing better' while continuing the behaviors you find damaging. At the end of the day, if you allow it to continue, it will continue."
4."Lack of quality time can slowly erode the relationship no matter how much you love each other and how many good times you have. It eventually leads to resentment, and that's the absolute worst."
5."You can like the person, and they can like you back. You might even be in love. It doesn't mean things will work out or you'll end up together."
6."I learned you NEED to discuss and resolve your deal breakers. Children. Drug and alcohol use. Finances. Monogamy. Where and how you want to live. Etc. Anything that will break you up if you feel opposite ways. For me, it was that I didn't want children, and he did. We both thought the other would change, and we were wrong. It's hard realizing you have planned a life with someone only to have it taken away because of one very important thing. We could have saved ourselves a lot of time and heartbreak by resolving it immediately."
7."Just because you look good together and everyone says you're perfect for each other doesn't mean you should ignore the negatives and stay together."
8."Your first love feels like the last, and your last love feels like the first."
9."Never having any disagreement isn't as good as it sounds. Back then, I thought it was amazing how we would never disagree or argue, but then I realized that it was just because he wouldn't communicate and lied about many things."
"I've been in multiple relationships that have lasted at least a year. My current partner is the one I have disagreements with the most (by an incredible margin), but they're the partner and the one I most easily communicate with. I felt closer to her in half a year than my next best partner in three years. I trust she'll tell me when I'm wrong or foolish and that she'll be there when I need it because her words have always been honest, even if I don't like hearing some of them. That type of communication paired with chemistry is what I think people refer to when they find 'the one.'"
10."I learned that it isn't worth staying if you can’t be your authentic self. You’re only denying yourself true happiness. And that doesn’t come from the person you’re with. It comes from being who you truly are."
11."What they DO is more important than what they SAY they’ll do."
12."The honeymoon phase is real and needs to be passed to realize if you're compatible with someone."
13."That beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl in this world, no matter how many other prettier girls were around. His eyes only looked at me."
"My wife is sometimes self-conscious of her looks. I say, 'Well, you're not your type, but you are mine.' The other one I'll jokingly throw at her is: 'That's my wife you're talking about. I don't take kindly to people speaking ill of her.'"
14."Gratitude. I learned this by thinking there was something better out there when, in reality, that's a silly thing to think about, especially when what you have is really, really good. I look back and feel embarrassed about how arrogant I was while treating her as if I could take or leave her. She was a keeper. I was a fool. I still am, too."
15."Letting go is an act of love too."
16."Breakups hurt a lot, even if the person is 100% not meant for you. In other words, the pain doesn't equal a mistake."
17."I needed someone to challenge me. Letting me have my way and agreeing with me all the time is exceptionally boring. Call me out, say no, have an opinion, and be independent."
18."'I'm sorry' doesn't fix everything, and it's okay to love yourself more."
19."I learned a lot about myself and how I lacked maturity in a lot of areas, though I didn't learn that until years later after a lot of self-reflection. I wasn't attentive enough in the relationship and didn't give my partner the respect they deserved. I went through a lot then, but it didn't excuse how apathetic I was to the relationship sometimes. I can only hope I'll do better next time."
20."Always have a life outside your relationship. Have your own friends outside your partner because when it gets messy, you'll need support that isn't your partner."
21."I learned that communication is EVERYTHING. You can’t just assume your partner knows what you're thinking or feeling. Sometimes, it’s also okay to put yourself first. Self-care isn’t selfish."
22."Learn to be comfortably silent with one another."
23."When they show you who they are, believe them. Don't make yourself out to be conveniently available just because you like someone superficially."
24."Sometimes two good people can do bad things because they aren't good for each other."
25."You CANNOT change someone to suit your preferences. If you do not like a person's core, you should not be with them."
26."Pay attention and listen. Have boundaries so you don't get injured to a degree that you don't recognize yourself. Don't act on thoughts; instead, only act on what actually happened."
27."Honesty, communication, and self-realization! Two people in a relationship need to know who they are separately so that nobody fully relies on the other person for their emotional needs."
28."If you do not have the same goals, you will never reach them. One person's goals will overtake another's and vice versa. You end up living your life as a never-ending game of tug-of-war. Eventually, you both become tired and give up on your goals or each other. Either way, you become a broken person."
29."Be transparent and forthcoming in your expectations, on both the giving and receiving ends."
30."You might feel like you know who you are and who they are, but there's still so much growing you'll both do. That can lead to growing apart, even if there's still love there."
31.And: "Relationships shouldn't be all-consuming. My whole life was my first relationship, and it bit me in the butt. It felt like the world was ending when that relationship ended. That's not healthy. A relationship is a two-way street. You should improve each other. You shouldn't rely solely on each other for happiness, though. Your day does not need to revolve around them completely 100% of the time. My personality changed with that person. My interests changed when I was with that person. That's exhausting, and I can't get those pieces of my old self back. It's taken a long time to find myself again."
What's a major lesson you learned from your first love? Did your first relationship teach you anything that you kept in mind for future relationships? Tell us in the comments or share anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
