Living as a drug addict: ‘Did I try to kick the habit? Of course'

YOUR LIFE: Every human being has a story to tell. In this series, Your Life features personal accounts by Singaporeans detailing their respective trials in life and their courage to face them.

Growing up, I never knew what it was like to take drugs. I was a decent girl who did well in primary school. However, I lost interest in my studies after Secondary 3, and dropped out.

I began working at a hotel as a chambermaid. At 18 years old, I met my husband.

He was a good-looking man. I guess when you’re young, looks tend to be more appealing than their background or character.

I only discovered that he was a drug addict when I was pregnant with my first child. I was living with him and his family and I can recall how his temper had gone unusually out of control.

That night, his family had gathered at home for a feast , and I remember not having an appetite to eat. It was only later, when everybody was done eating, that I eventually felt like having a bite to eat .

My husband saw my behaviour as troublesome, and before I knew it, he had thrown a plate at me in front of his family.

I ran away, back to my own family’s home that night. I remember not having enough money for the bus fare. But thankfully, the kind bus driver let me on for free, after seeing how miserable I looked.

Upon reaching my family’s house, the door flung open. One of my brothers immediately welcomed me and asked me to sit in the living room. It was as if he already knew something terrible had happened.

“The truth is, your husband has been taking drugs for a long time,” he told me.

I was really disappointed to hear this. When I was getting married, neither of my two brothers, who were addicts themselves, had told their own sister that the man she was marrying was a drug addict.

But there was nothing left for me to do. If my husband was going to be the man I was destined to be with, then so be it, I thought at the time.

I gradually began to accept the predicament I was in, and the fact that my husband was a drug addict.

I went back to my husband and tried to go on with my life as best I could. Referring to what happened the night that I left, my sister-in-law told me, “Just let him be – he’s usually like that.”

For a drug addict, my husband looked plump and his cheeks were not as sunken as those of many drug addicts. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was why he was rarely caught by narcotics officers. But for the few times he did, he came out the same person he was when he went into the Drug Rehabilitation Centre (DRC).

And then there came a point when I myself got involved with drugs. I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult for my husband to abandon his filthy habit, and so I became curious.

My husband was the one who introduced me to heroin.

Throughout my life, I was caught four times for drugs. The first time took place in 1989, for which I was inside for a number of weeks. The most recent one was in 2013, for which I ended up in prison for three years and four months.

Did I try to kick the habit? Of course I did. Did I try to leave my husband? Yes.

Over the years, I became a mother of four children, but I made sure they were never exposed to their parents’ addiction. The only times they knew about it was when I got caught. Till today, it pains me to think of all those times I had to abandon them.

There were many times when I tried to leave my husband, too. But for some reason, we seem destined to not be apart. My husband never agreed to my request for a divorce. Even after discovering that I was seeing other men, he never wanted to let me go.

While most of the other men I had met did not delve in drugs, I eventually discovered them to be womanisers.

Throughout my tumultuous love life, I was still hooked on heroin. I would stop for a month or two only to get back on it again. It also didn’t help that I would meet other people in the drug community each time I returned to the centre for urine checks.

But after serving my latest sentence, I feel like I’ve had enough. During my time in prison, I had a lot of opportunities to reflect on life and pray. The first two years were the most challenging for me as I struggled to find peace in a cell of 20 to 27 women, some of whom would engage in rowdy fights while the lesbians would make love to each other loudly.

It was only from my third year onwards that I could get accustomed to my surroundings and focus on my daily prayers.

It also helped that warden would “break dorms” every few months. That was when the warden would reshuffle the prison mates into different cells as a means of avoiding bigger fights and more love affairs.

Looking back, I think I had more peace inside than outside. I was protected from worldly temptations and distractions.

But I missed my family too much, especially my children and my mother, who is now 90 years old.

My children are all grown up now and I’m happy to see them successful in their respective lives. I’m thankful to my mother and sister for looking after my children while I was away.

These days, I just want to focus on taking care of my mother, who is in a wheelchair. I have a niece whom I am very close to. She is the most rational person I know, and she motivates me with her sound advice.

I admit that I am remorseful for being involved in drugs. But even at the age of 58, I’m ready to start my life again.

Interview conducted by Nurul Azliah Aripin

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