Little Relationship Experience Is Only a Red Flag If You Make It One
Three years ago, I met a guy who seemed like my perfect match. He had no obvious red flags, ticked all my boxes, and more than anything, being with him just felt right–like straight-up Cinderella and Prince Charming right. So as one does, I told my friends about him, and their reactions were…not what I expected. They couldn’t help but fixate on the one fact that seemed to trump every good thing I said about him: He’d never had a girlfriend before.
Well shit, I thought, *Is* it a red flag? Doubts started swirling in my brain. Why hadn’t he ever been in a relationship before? Was he a commitment-phobe in disguise? Was he low-key a fuck boy? Or…had he just not met the right person yet? It was that last possibility that made me decide to stay the course, and to this day, our relationship is stronger than ever. I’m glad I gave the dating newbie a chance, and I wholeheartedly think you should too. I’ll explain.
I totally get the hesitation towards dating someone with little to no dating history. It’s hard to shake the societally engrained notion that lack of experience automatically makes someone unqualified, not just when it comes to dating, but for everything from jobs, to apartment applications, to credit. Just take a look at the most recent season of the Bachelorette. Sam N., a contestant who admitted he’d never been in love before, got some serious side-eye from the other guys and was eliminated by Bachelorette Jenn in week five. Or think about the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, where Andy, a middle-aged man who’s never seriously dated anyone long enough to have sex, has friends who try to “fix” him by teaching him about relationships. Even Bridgerton’s Penelope Featherington had a “wallflower” reputation thanks to her lack of suitors.
But what someone considers valuable experience is subjective, and unfortunately, society tells us that a lack thereof (read: a shiny degree, a perfect credit score, a previous relationship) means you’re not ready for something you may very well actually be totally qualified for, not to mention, something you deserve. And, hi! Just because someone’s had plenty of relationships, doesn’t mean they’ll be the perfect partner! Experienced daters can and do flop relationships all the time.
Prior to meeting my boyfriend, I dated guys who had plenty of exes, and honestly? They all kind of sucked! I’ve been ghosted, love-bombed, and led on by dudes with stacked dating resumes. The one thing they had in common: All of their relationships had ended. Sure, experienced partners can be great, but there’s no guarantee they won’t break your heart or walk away.
My “less experienced” boyfriend was, in fact, perfectly qualified to be my partner. As soon as we made it official, all of my doubts disappeared. And the fact that he was honest about his lack of experience showed me a vulnerable side to him that I’d never really seen in anyone else, which in turn made me feel more comfortable opening up.
We created a safe space together where we could share our deepest secrets and laugh at our most embarrassing moments—no pretenses or expectations whatsoever. Even better than all of that? I never had to deal with an awkward exes conversation or compare myself to anyone in his past—which, as an admittedly kinda-jealous partner, I value. And best of all, I got to show my boyfriend not just how to be a partner, but how to be my partner. Since he hadn’t spent a ton of time dating one person or another, he didn’t come into our relationship with any old habits or assumptions about my needs and desires. Instead, he looked to me directly, asking questions and learning as our relationship evolved.
Our relationship thrives because we’re also completely in sync on our values and prioritize communication, honesty, and trust. He’s endlessly patient, kind, validates my feelings, and reminds me to trust myself. His emotional maturity and genuine goodness is what makes him a great boyfriend, qualities that anyone, regardless of their dating history, can possess.
And while, sure, relationship experience can help you figure out what you want and don’t want—you’ve been through the highs and lows, picked up on mistakes to avoid, and ideally, understand the kind of love you deserve—that’s not the only way to learn how to be a good partner. There's a lot to glean by observing the dynamics in the relationships around you—those of your parents, those of your friends. Besides, casual dating and situationships can also result in huge learnings! Whether there was ever a label on the relationship matters less than what they learned from the relationship itself.
Being a good partner is about being in tune with your values and having the maturity to work on a relationship with someone you love. Lived experience can help, but it’s not the end-all, be-all. A clean slate means no baggage, no jealousy, and no assumptions—just room for a real, genuine connection.
So next time you hesitate to go all-in on someone with little dating experience, try to remember they just might not have found their person yet, and that person might be you. Don't let assumptions get in the way and keep you both from the love you deserve.
You Might Also Like
