Is the ‘Ick’ a Relationship Death Sentence?
RELATIONSHIPS ARE FULL of surprises—some good, and some, well, less so. For instance: as you learn more about a potential partner and their quirks, your excitement builds about the possibility of where the connection can go. Then, they try to order chicken tenders off the kids' menu at the high-end restaurant you took them to. Just like that, it's all over. Any attraction you had towards them, emotional or physical, is gone.
That cringey feeling is also known as the "the ick." The ick happens "when [you] experience something or learn something about someone that gives a feeling of becoming unattracted to that person, where it can feel tough to look at them romantically or sexually anymore," explains Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T.
The term, which originated in the late '90s drama Ally McBeal, has only recently become a more commonplace phrase. In fact, it's morphed into a meme. Take a scroll through TikTok and you'll find people listing out behaviors and other things that give them the ick. Icks are different from person to person, and can include everything from skimping on tips, to not being able to parallel park, to walking around in toe socks.
It's an entertaining bit for the internet to run with, that's for sure. But it's also a very real feeling that happens in relationships all the time, and we may neglect the validity of because of its meme status. The ick is a feeling worth evaluating—despite the internet's jokes about it.
Here, MH sex and relationship experts explain what the ick is, how detrimental it is in a relationship, and how to work past it.
What is "the ick"?
"The ick is basically an unsettling feeling you get when someone you're very into does something unexpected—which turns out to feel almost full-body repulsive to you," says Gigi Engle, a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at dating app 3Fun.
The ick might arise out of a small act, but feel overwhelmingly repulsive because it paints a bigger picture of who your partner is as a person. For example, if your partner makes a rude pass at a waiter, "that might go against the ideal picture you've created of them in your mind, Engle says. "It is humanizing in a way that throws us off."
How do you know if you've gotten the ick?
Ever watched a movie with your parents and a really intense sex scene came on? And you want to sink so deep into the couch that you become one with it? If you've ever gotten a similar feeling in response to something a partner has done, congrats: you've gotten the ick. It's a cringey feeling that makes you feel very turned off by them.
It's an unmistakable feeling that might take some time to disappear, Wright says. The intensity and duration of the feeling may indication how seriously you should consider acting on it.
If you get the ick, should you break up?
Think of the ick as a "signal flare" when something about the person is feeling off, Wright says. It's a feeling worth exploring, but it doesn't always indicate that you need to end the relationship.
The ick tends to happen in the early stages of a relationship, when you're romanticizing your partner and the possibility of what could be, Engle says.
When this happens in a new relationship, you might try to shoo away the feeling by reminding yourself of all the reasons they're great, "despite a nagging gut instinct that you're just not into it," Wright says. "There's a sense of forcing yourself to feel something that simply isn't there."
When that's the case, it might be best to cut things off and move on—you don't necessarily have to overcome the ick if you feel like your relationship with this person isn't worth the effort.
However, it's also possible to get the ick from someone you do genuinely see a future with, including someone you've been with for a long time. In that case, the strength and duration of the ick feeling will indicate how seriously you should take it. If it lasts a few days and fades as you get used to this side of your partner, it might not be serious at all. If it lasts longer, then you might want to do internal deep dive to figure out why you're feeling this way, and what you should do about it.
What should you do if the ick isn't going away?
"Treat the ick like a mystery to be solved, not a horror movie to run from," Wright says. Wright and Engle advise evaluating your feelings by considering what caused the ick, and why that thing is bothering you. Does the way they treat service staff make you feel like their values don't align well with yours? Do their eating habits simply gross you out, or did your ex chew with their mouth open, too, and it brings up bad memories for you?
It's important to understand why you're feeling this way, because icks can also form as a defense mechanism, protecting you from potentially getting hurt by this partner, Engle says. "When we're getting closer to someone, that vulnerability can be very scary. The ick may be a form of self-protection, [or] a way of stopping us from being vulnerable or recognizing a wound that's been triggered by a certain behavior from our partner." Suddenly, we have an excuse to cut ties instead of looking deeper and evaluating why this feeling is occurring.
To work through the ick, you'll need to do some soul searching and self-reflect, Engle says. You can do so in the form of journaling, or speaking with a therapist. Reflecting can help you determine if this ick is something you can get over, she says.
Once you've aired out the root of the feeling yourself, talk to your partner and figure out how to work through the issues together. It might be an easy fix: if it's a little quirk—like chewing with their mouth open—they might be willing to change their behavior, or didn't realize they were doing it in the first place. If it's something deeper that might reflect their core values—like being rude to waiters—you need to connect to ensure you're on the same page. You'll never know how they feel about their actions unless you try to speak to them.
If you're still struggling to work through your emotions, either alone or with your partner, you might benefit from seeing a therapist, Wright says. They'll be able to help you navigate these conversations. To find an accredited sex therapist in your area, plug in your zip code here.
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