My Husband And I Made A Change To Our Sex Life That Felt Embarrassing, But It's Been Amazing
“Do you want to have sex on Tuesday night this week?” my husband asked me early on in our relationship.
“Sure,” I said, thinking that it was a little weird that we were scheduling our sex. “Shouldn’t we just do it when we want to? Why the need to put it on the calendar?”
“Well, I’m working nights for the next few days, and then I have my daughter. It’s not that easy,” he said.
When we started penciling in intimate moments, it felt stilted and awkward. But amid the chaos of juggling multiple jobs and blended families, I realized that he was right. It had become a necessity. And much to my surprise, even after the kids were gone and we were working less, we still preferred knowing in advance when “date night” was on the books. More than 20 years later, we still feel that way.
I admit it was initially hard to shake off the nagging feeling that our sex life was lackluster — even though it wasn’t — because it was not the product of spontaneous, unbridled lust. But the older I get, the clearer I see the harm of letting others define what should or should not turn us on.
For decades, women were told that orgasms resulting from penetrative vaginal sex were the only real orgasms, even though most of us don’t come that way. And because it’s rare to see other couples copulating unless we’re watching them on a screen, Hollywood has led us to believe that all couples orgasm simultaneously while moaning loudly and that no one ever loses an erection.
Hot sex is portrayed as both parties ripping each other’s clothes off in a carnal fever — but when does that ever happen? Usually it’s only during the early part of a relationship when you can’t keep your hands off of each other. Later it might happen, maybe, if you haven’t seen each other for a long time, and almost always if the sex is forbidden and must be consummated on the sly.
If raw passion is in your cards, good for you. But the reality is that wanting to have sex at the same time as your partner is far rarer than the media would have you believe — especially for women. In her book “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life,”sex educator Emily Nagoski distinguishes between “spontaneous” and “responsive” desire, and writes about how while most men feel horny first and then get aroused, the opposite is true for women, most of whom need to be aroused first to feel desire. Pleasure, she argues, should be the focus, not libido. That’s why sex by appointment is particularly well suited to women. It eliminates the pressure of instant arousal, allowing us to prepare and anticipate intimacy without the need to summon desire on command.
Of course some people think that planned sex is an oxymoron, tainted by an unerotic association — a task that needs to be completed. But I find the opposite to be true and agree with sex and relationship therapist Esther Perel, who tells us to think of scheduled sex as prolonged foreplay. Anticipation is hot.
Even though planned sex may actually be more conducive to good sex, it’s still seen as inferior. A 2023 study in The Journal of Sex Research found that most participants said spontaneous sex is better, while at the same time reporting that they derived a similar degree of satisfaction from planned sex. The study suggested that this seeming contradiction may be a product of the belief that unplanned sex is more “authentic.”
For me, though, scheduled sex is just as authentic, if not more so, because it allows for a slow simmer. On the day I know we’re going to make love, there’s a small part of me that’s thinking about it throughout the day, and I like knowing that my partner is thinking about it too. Sometimes we exchange texts about what lies ahead. I also enjoy the act of preening myself in advance.
Planned sex seems so much more erotically charged than Hollywood gives it credit for. Plus, it may reduce the likelihood that anyone goes to sleep with unmet needs or feeling like one has to have sex out of obligation.
It could also mean you are more likely to have more of it. “Committed sex is premeditated sex: ... it’s highly planned,” Perel told Kinfolk magazine. “If you wait for it to just happen, it won’t.”
That’s true. Once it starts getting late, there are so many things I’m rushing to squeeze in at the end of the day, like getting the dishwasher loaded and wiping down the counters. Or maybe I’m in the middle of a good book, or I’m finally getting some writing momentum. The truth is, sex is rarely at the top of my to-do list.
And I know I’m not alone. Studies in the U.S., the U.K., Australia, Germany and Japan have found that the frequency of sexual intercourse, including among young people, is on the decline, possibly due to factors ranging from the availability of sexually explicit media to the increased use of computer games. This decline is troubling, given research showing that sexual activity may impact fertility, relationship satisfaction and various aspects of one’s physical well-being — including reducing the risk of cancer and heart disease.
But maintaining a regular sexual connection can be challenging, especially in more established relationships with competing commitments. When we know in advance that it’s a Sex Night, however, we plan our day accordingly, making it much less likely that our plans will be impeded. It makes sex a priority.
And while I’m definitely a proponent of sex by appointment, I’m not saying that schedules must be adhered to rigidly or that I’m not a fan of the unexpected afternoon delight. Rather, if you only have sex when you think you want it, you can easily fall into a sex drought, which can be a hard cycle to break. Research confirms that the old adage “use it or lose it” is real when it comes to sex, for both men and women.
It makes sense that having pleasurable sex regularly makes you want to have more of it, but I’ve heard so many postmenopausal women say they really don’t care about sex anymore. I wonder how many of them have written off their libido because they think they should be spontaneously horny and they’re just not.
What troubles me is that the subject of scheduled conjugation does not get much airplay. It’s not a topic you hear much about in books or movies. And I don’t remember it coming up among my women friends. Maybe other people are in the closet about it because they too don’t want others to deem their sex uninspired. Or maybe it feels too intimate of a detail, like sharing how much money you make.
Regardless, if we don’t challenge the sexual “rules” that our culture tries to impose on us, we’ll limit our options for pleasure and connection. I want to celebrate how well sex by appointment works for us even though there will probably never be a movie that features Tuesday night sex. By embracing the idea that only my partner and I can define what constitutes “good sex,” we ensure that we’ll not only be having more of it, but that it will also be more fulfilling and passionate.
Sarena Neyman is a grant writer living in western Massachusetts. She has worked with dozens of human rights groups on causes ranging from digital privacy to affordable housing. Her pieces have appeared in PeaceVoice and Cabin Life.
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