Am I having too much sex?

Couple in bed.
(PHOTO: Getty Images) (dima_sidelnikov via Getty Images)

Welcome to A Millennial's Dating Diary series, where we explore real-life interactions and the hurdles of dating in Southeast Asia. The series will feature the dating stories and misadventures of Arika – a 26-year-old, straight female marketing manager with a penchant for over drinking — and fellow millennials.

“How often do you guys have sex?” asked my friend *Sherry, 34, asked about my sex life with my partner.

“It depends; now that we’re both working from home, we’ve been having sex so often. Even during lunch breaks. So I’d say about twice or thrice a day sometimes.” I responded.

In fairness, it’s not like it’s planned. Sometimes things just happen in the heat of the moment. We’ve only been going out exclusively for a month over, so things are still relatively fresh for us.

“Holy crap, that’s a lot of times. *Jyan and I have sex like once or twice a week. We’re just too tired to do anything else,” she responded.

Immediately, alarm bells rang off in my head. I started to wonder if I was having too much sex and if there was something wrong with us.

While living with my ex, there were times we’d go days without having sex. In addition, the spark was kind of lost as well.

I recently read in an article that U.S. couples in their 20s and 30s have sex twice a week on average. However, in a 2018 study done by SG Magazine with married couples, singles, long-term couples, and those in open relationships, it was revealed that the average number of times these couples have sex is once a week. As most respondents are in committed or long-term relationships, I’d say the findings in the survey can be conclusive.

I completely understand why, though.

Having lived with past partners before, routine, work, and general stress are buzzkills to romance. Add that to the fact that you’re seeing this person day in, day out — the excitement for each other could decrease over time.

While living with my ex, there were times we’d go days without having sex. In addition, the spark was kind of lost as well. Soon, I started to lose interest in stoking the fires of our sex life.

Having had this conversation with Sherry, I decided to ask my couple friends how often they have sex just to gauge where *Mark and I are at.

“Twice or thrice a week, max. We’re usually too tired to do anything else. Plus, we’ve got other things to do besides just sex,” says my friend *Lea, 29.

“When *John and I started dating, we’d have sex once a day! We were so horny for each other. Eventually, things simmered down, and now that’s levelled out, we’re having sex thrice a week or so,” shares *Amy, 30, who has been in a relationship for about a year now.

A mixed couple dating.
(PHOTO: Getty Images) (Hill Street Studios via Getty Images)

It’s a common belief that sexual frequency is an indicator of the success and strength of a relationship. So after my failed relationship, I started fixating on the frequency of sex and its importance for successful couples.

Whenever a couple’s relationship fails in TV shows and films, the first thing people ask is, “How often did you guys have sex?”

By that measure, Mark and I are doing more than just great.

Experts say that the happiest couples have sex once a week as a baseline, so this definitely supports my argument.

But let’s be real, while sex and intimacy are important, it’s not always indicative of how well a couple is doing. If my relationship with my ex is anything to go by, we definitely had other issues beyond sex.

Sex therapists ultimately believe that focusing on the quality of your sex life and the connection with your partner over the number of times you have sex is way more important. What is considered ‘too little’ or ‘too much’ is ultimately up to the couple and what they feel comfortable doing.

When evaluating your relationship, it’s important to ask yourself: Are you happy with what you’re doing?