Gems of memories: A dementia carer on her mother's condition and telling her story
SINGAPORE – Businesswoman, jewellery designer, mother and philanthropist Ms Esther Ho had also added the role of carer to her list of jobs when her mother started suffering from dementia. On top of her already busy life, Ms Ho has also launched a coffee table book with Dementia Singapore to inspire more people to give and understand what life is like for people living with dementia and their carers.
The book, Gems of Memories was curated by award-winning author Peh Shing Huei and his team and is a collection of 30 personal stories that include precious memories of people's sacrifices and triumphs.
The founder of MUS.za (Museum by Zenith Affair) and Zenith Affair, Ms Ho, is a champion of the dementia cause. Dealing with her mother's dementia was a daily experience, one that has come to define her own life.
"Until recently, I was unaware that I was an individual worth quoting. But with the preparations for the launch of my book Gems of Memories, I was made aware by the editor of the book that I had many sayings worth quoting," explains Ms Ho, when asked how she deals with the vagaries of living with dementia.
"Maybe it is this unconscious philosophy, now manifested, that has helped me stay positive during my family's challenge with dementia … 'Love naturally; love full-heartedly … and 'If we know how to give love, it is a good thing. If we have love, it is the best way to be positive'…" these are two concepts that keep Ms Ho positive and engaged.
Living with a loved one with dementia
Ms Ho has her own way of dealing with her mother's dementia; the goal is to keep things happy, positive and to challenge her mother with lots of conversations.
"The easiest way [of dealing with my mother's dementia] is that I always talk with my mum. The stories and anecdotes could either be from things of the past and long ago, or they could be of recent items.
"In fact, sometimes I like to 'challenge' my mum by talking back to her about things that I know would confuse her! So, for example, she would say that she came to Singapore 80 years ago by boat when she was 18 years old. But I'll say that it was by plane. And she will, in turn, urge and nag and try to reason with me.
"In this way, we deal with dementia through humour and light-hearted debates. In the end, it does not matter who is right, whether it is by boat or plane, but it's to make a person laugh. And laughter is the best medicine, isn't it?" points out Ms Ho.
No matter how much you love the person who has dementia, it's not always easy, as Ms Ho explains: "One big challenge for myself is when the person with dementia keeps repeating the same things or questions the whole day, almost becoming like a 'broken record.'"
"My mum likes to talk, and she's ok if it's about the past, but the repetitions mostly happen with the more recent events and experiences. Dementia really affects a person's ability to process short term memories, and this constant repetition may become frustrating for the uninitiated.
"Fortunately for us, we were able to handle the situation adequately with empathy and love. Unfortunately, others in similar situations may not be as fortunate, resilient or knowledgeable about dementia, and that is why we need to raise awareness about mental health issues and dementia constantly.
"Caring for a person with dementia is challenging, but with the proper education, support and resources, caregivers can better attend to persons living with dementia and help them live with dignity," Ms Ho says.
With her years of experience, Ms Ho has found ways to not only help her mother stay as connected as possible, but she understands that this isn't always possible for everyone.
"It's common for people to say, 'just care and love them more', but the fact is, how many people can really do that? We need to have a bigger heart and lots of time to listen to them.
"For me, mealtimes with family are important, and I try my best to have dinner with my mother. This is a priority for me. She looked forward to having that seat at the dinner table together, and she told me about her day or one of her many stories from the past. It might seem like something simple but having that family time together helps put things in perspective and gets us ready for another day."
Launching the book Gems of Memories has been an amazing and positive experience for Ms Ho. She had no concerns about making public her family's experience with dementia.
"I was and still am very excited about this. My roots are uniquely mine, and there's nothing to be hesitant about. In fact, I am very proud of my past, and I'm happy to share it in this Gems of Memories coffee-table book, as well as the stories of my friends.
"The launch of Gems of Memories turned out to be very interesting. I loved every single aspect of creating this book as well as the fundraising campaign, and this is how I am going to continue promoting the book and supporting Dementia Singapore," says Ms Ho.
When it comes to living with and dealing with dementia at home, Ms Ho is an affirmative and positive role model, combining the warmth of love and the practicalities of a professional.
"Overall, I believe that we just need to spend more time with them. People with dementia need to talk and feel that they are being heard. With more social interaction and conversations, they will feel that they are accepted and loved," says Ms Ho.
"This is not something that any doctor nor book told me, but I experienced it with my mum. When I look back on the videos I've taken with my mum about our conversations and how we laugh, it makes me laugh as well and appreciate our time together while we still have it."
Gems of Memories can be ordered by calling +65 9787 3898. The limited-edition coffee table book costs S$100, with all proceeds donated to Dementia Singapore. For more information about Dementia Singapore, go to dementia.org.sg.
