Forget relationship ‘red flags’ — these ‘beige’ ones are just as worrisome: expert
You’ve heard of red flags in relationships, but what are “beige flags“?
Everyone knows to run at the sight of a red flag, while beige ones have slipped under the radar and aren’t as in-your-face.
The latter are more subtle behaviors or signs in a relationship that foreshadow potential conflict or even the possibility of abuse.
The discussion surrounding these kinds of warning signs has increased with the release of the movie adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s novel “It Ends With Us” in which the protagonist Lily Bloom (portrayed by Blake Lively) goes through these experiences with her boyfriend, Ryle Kincaid (Justin Baldoni).
Cheralyn Leeby Ph.D., LMFT, shared on Psychology Today some beige flags in relationships to look out for.
When aggression takes over
Coping through “explosiveness” and “aggression” is a big signifier of potential future physical abuse in relationships, according to Leeby.
A 2001 study found that when people show aggressive behavior toward inanimate objects, it’s strongly correlated with physical abuse in relationships. Another study she noted from 2023 revealed that coping mechanisms like aggressive actions often escalate into something more severe, such as violence and abuse.
Behaviors like this and charged emotional outbursts are a beige flag that one should look out for, she advises.
Jealousy indicates emotional abuse
While subtle signs of jealousy and possessiveness might not seem worrisome at first — and might even be seen as endearing — they can become something bigger.
One study has shown that irrational and strong jealousy is an indicator of emotional abuse, particularly among young adults. Another found a correlation between jealous behaviors, Leeby noted, such as constant monitoring of actions and baseless accusations, and a fearful environment that leads to dependence and potentially more severe forms of abuse.
It’s important to recognize that jealousy isn’t necessarily a sign of love and affection, and noticing these signs early on can prevent further abusive relationships.
Spurring social isolation
Social isolation is a common approach for abusers to have control over their partners, isolating their support network and making them more dependent on the abuser.
Isolation and a lack of friendships can lead to the victim not seeking help or even being unable to recognize the abusive patterns.
Leeby noted that this can be subtle at first, coming off as genuine concern for the partner’s wellbeing, but can eventually lead to isolation and dependence.
‘Insidious’ gaslighting that ruins self-esteem and trust
Gaslighting — where the abuser manipulates their partner into doubting their own perceptions or realities — is a big beige flag to look out for, Leeby says.
Victims of gaslighting often experience lowered self-esteem, increased anxiety and a loss of trust in their own judgment, according to research from 2019.
While it may not seem like a big deal at the moment, gaslighting can have long-term consequences and leave psychological and emotional scars, making it what Leeby describes as “one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse.”
Alarm expressed by others close to you
A 2006 study discovered that a “significant” percentage of women who were victims of physical abuse reported that their friends or family had shared concerns or warnings about their partners.
External warnings and observations often offer an objective outlook and should be taken seriously, Leeby says, as they can alert the person to dangers they might be blinded by due to emotional investment or denial.
