A few words for this working mother
I’m on the hunt for a new pair of jeans, so after I picked up my youngest from preschool, with promises of gummy bears if he cooperated, I went to the store. I struck out—as an older millennial, shaking the skinny jeans trend is tough—but I did pick up a few other things and headed to the register. The lovely woman who helped me started a conversation with my 3-year-old as she rang up my purchase. They chatted and she made a comment that if he spent the whole day with mommy then it must have been fun. I smiled and said, “Mom was at work and this guy was at school today.” Her expression immediately changed and she gave me a heavy, sympathetic look and said with a matching tone, “Well, sometimes we have to do what we have to do.”
I’m not usually one to bite my tongue, but I did in that moment. I didn’t fire back that, actually, I value my career. I didn’t argue the fact that, yes, I can be a wonderful mother who’s not denying her children attention and also work full-time doing something I love. I didn’t share with her that I think it serves my sons well to see their mom work hard, both at home and at the office. I wanted to ask if she’d ever say such a thing to my husband or another father but I didn’t. I smiled again and replied, “We’re together now and off to find some gummy bears to share.”
As far as getting called out for the choices I make as a woman and mother, this was admittedly mild—I know that. I have heard much worse. Nonetheless, it stuck with me. I thought about it all evening and wondered why just a few words from a stranger had such an impact. My thoughts turned grandiose about societal pressure on working mothers and the fact that it’s still so ingrained in our culture. I started to write off this woman as part of the problem, and then I remembered another conversation I had recently and shifted my frame of thought.
I started a new job a few months ago, and I’m still getting to know my co-workers. One of the things I appreciate most about the new gig is the emphasis on work-life balance. Everything from the hybrid schedule (it’s my first foray and I love it. I’m not going back to full-time in-person any time soon) to the widely shared respect for business hours and job descriptions, reinforces the commitment to personal and professional boundaries. But that doesn’t mean the workplace is devoid of relationship building and an interest in each other’s lives. Whether it’s in the office two days a week or on endless Zoom meetings and email threads when we’re working from home, we spend a lot of time together.
With more time to do it all, I wouldn’t question the job I was doing as a mom or as an employee.
I walked into the kitchen during one of our in-office days and found one of my new favorite co-workers was heating up a meal. We chatted and the conversation turned to our children at some point. She asked me to remind her how old my kids were and when I answered that they were 5 and 3 years old, she replied, “I have to say, you are very well put together for someone who has kids that young.”
I laughed and we finished our conversation, but I was beaming inside. I felt like she had just handed me a trophy. I did it. I fooled someone into thinking I was well put-together. I thought about her comment all day and even repeated it to a friend. “Can you believe it?” I said. “That’s such a compliment,” my friend confirmed.
But is it? Is it a compliment to acknowledge that her perception of me doesn’t fit the norm of a working mother of young children? What if I did show up frazzled, with soggy Cheerios in my hair, Matchbox cars rattling at the bottom of my purse as I fumbled to find my keys? In the comment, I didn’t attribute any of this to her intention. I don’t even attribute anything she said to the impact it had. All I’m saying is that after both interactions—with the woman at the store and my coworker—I was left wondering, why is it like this? And why do I care what anyone thinks anyway? Whether it’s praise or judgment, why do a few words from someone make me rethink my value as a working mom? I have a lot of questions but not many answers.
The truth is, some days all I want is to spend the day with my kiddos and I spend my lunch break looking at photos or videos of them. Most days, to be honest, I don’t. I like being in the office and the work that I do and, yes, sometimes I do show up looking, acting, feeling less put-together. But every day I wish there was simply more time so I could do both. I think that’s why the words from others stick with me; with more time to do it all, I wouldn’t question the job I was doing as a mom or as an employee. Until then, it’s simply one more question without a good answer.
