So, What Exactly Is a Female-Led Relationship?
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It’s not exactly a secret that even in our presumably progressive era, heterosexual relationships (and, ahem, the women in them) are still plagued by all kinds of gendered double standards and power imbalances. Just take a look at some (unfortunate) stats the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics dropped earlier this year, which revealed women in hetero relationships spent nearly twice as much time as their male partners on chores, general household management, and child care, despite also working full-time. (Sigh.) But what if those traditional gender roles were reversed? Enter: female-led relationships.
Often abbreviated as FLRs, female-led relationships are pretty much what they sound like: romantic relationships in which a female-identifying partner takes the lead in decision-making and assumes a dominant role over her male partner, explains Callisto Adams, PhD, a certified dating and relationships expert at HeTexted. The level of dominance and the areas in which it’s applied can vary from FLR to FLR, from a woman taking near-total control of her man’s life to more subtle forms of dominance. As you may have guessed, this relationship style has origins in the Dominant/submissive (D/s) dynamics of the BDSM community. And while female-led relationships have started to gain popularity beyond strictly kink scenarios, the practice is linked to D/s play for some FLR couples.
Whatever they happen to look like in practice for any given couple, female-led relationships all operate, to some extent, on the reversal of the traditional gender roles that have historically ruled heterosexual relationships. While your standard approach to modern, feminist-friendly heterosexuality usually focuses on establishing gender equality between male and female partners, female-led relationships offer a more radical alternative—one that flips the script on old-school gender roles and puts women in a position of power traditionally reserved for men.
Curious? We thought so. Keep reading for all the juicy details, including expert insight on how FLRs actually work, and why they might be an attractive option for some couples. (Or, you know, for you, if you’re into it!)
How Do Female-Led Relationships Work?
Again, female-led relationships are what they sound like: relationships in which women call the shots/wear the pants/insert metaphor of your choice, while their male partners assume a more submissive role.
According to Elena Zaharova, CEO and co-founder of Purpur App, the areas over which a woman in an FLR might assume control include financial responsibilities (she might be the breadwinner or manage the couple’s spending and saving), household duties such as chores and childcare, and emotional aspects of the relationship like managing conflicts, initiating or dominating sex (more on the sexual aspect of FLRs later) and taking the lead in terms of determining the current state and trajectory of the relationship.
While we probably all have some badass women in our lives who take control in their relationships or otherwise subvert traditional gender roles—maybe your BFF makes more money than her boyfriend, or maybe he moved across the country for her career, etc.—being a woman in a female-led relationship means more than just rejecting 1950s-era trad-wifery. FLRs are a distinct relationship style defined by a consensual power imbalance (keyword: consensual!), the boundaries of which both partners discuss and agree upon.
Speaking of boundaries, there are different subsets of female-led relationships defined by just how much control a woman exercises over her partner. FLRs are usually broken down into four levels of dominance:
Low female control: The woman has control and dominance, but the decision-making is still relatively equal, as she considers her partner’s perspective.
Moderate female control: The woman has control and she has the final say on specific and agreed-upon dynamics within the relationship.
Defined control: This is where both partners agree on the specific instances in which the female partner will have control (and ones where she won’t have control).
Extreme female control/immersion: The woman has complete dominance and full control over the relationship and its dynamics (including sexual, financial, etc).
Female-Led Relationships and BDSM
If this whole thing is starting to sound a little kinky, that’s because it (often) is. As we mentioned, while female-led relationships are no longer exclusively practiced in kink communities, the term (and the underlying power dynamic) is rooted in BDSM. And just like sex is usually a petty big part of most romantic relationships, it’s often a component of FLRs.
Unsurprisingly, the woman in a female-led relationship typically takes on a dominant role in the couple’s sex life. “Depending on what she’s into, she can have her partner practice bondage, role play, and myriad other sexual practices in which she’s the one in control, and the one that is obeyed,” says Adams.
“The Dom decides when, where, how, and how long sex will be enjoyed. She trains her sub to be the sex toy of her dreams,” says Empress Jordyn Burrell, a professional dominatrix.
D/s play in FLRs comes in all kinds of kinky flavors and may include activities like queening (aka face-sitting), wax play, sensory deprivation or overstimulation, pegging, cuckoldry, water sports (also called piss play), foot fetish/worship, CNC (consensual non-consent), and CBT (cock and ball torture), to name a few.
According to Burrell, there are three main forms FLRs can take within a kink/BDSM context:
The Master/slave dynamic: “This dynamic consists of total control granted to the leading female by the consenting submissive,” says Burrell. “The subordinate will submit to whatever they are instructed, all in the name of being a good slave-spouse for their Owner.”
The “Co-pilot” dynamic: “This grants the sub power to veto any decisions they’d like,” says Burrell. “The Woman still reigns as the Alpha but discusses decisions with the sub and applies their desires and ideas to the final decision-making without overpowering them.”
The “Ask My Wife” arrangement: In this dynamic, “the dominant female has the final say,” explains Burrell. A submissive partner might try to negotiate their Dom’s demands, but the woman makes the final decision.
So What’s the Appeal of Female-Led Relationships?
For some women, taking on a dominant role in the relationship can feel empowering (duh). “In a female-led relationship, the woman is in charge and makes the decisions,” says Rachel DeAlto, chief dating expert at Match and a former expert on Lifetime’s Married at First Sight, adding that this dynamic can help women feel more confident and emotionally secure in their relationships. “When you’re in charge, you less frequently doubt your own ability or worth,” she says. “You’re also less likely to be emotionally manipulated or controlled by your partner.”
After, oh, I don’t know, several centuries or so of living in a heteropatriarchal society that expects women to take a backseat in our own relationships, it makes sense that taking control over a submissive male partner might be an appealing option for some women. The novelty alone may be exciting, (hi, subversive = sexy, that’s pretty much the whole idea behind kink) and FLRs can be a major way for women to reclaim power we’ve historically been denied.
Of course, women aren’t the only ones who stand to benefit from FLRs. Again, these relationships aren’t about women stomping all over men—they’re about a consensual power dynamic between two romantic partners who are both invested in that dynamic.
In case you missed it, men also suffer under the BS gender norms, expectations, and stereotypes that patriarchy enforces. For some guys, female-led relationships can be a way of escaping those pressures, says Empress Jordyn Burrell, a professional dominatrix who describes FLRs as a “safe haven” where both men and women can explore sexual and romantic desires that may not happen to align with society’s rigid gender scripts.
Not to mention, the level of constant consent and communication FLRs demand can benefit the relationship itself, helping partners establish a more open, trusting partnership. “The very kinky and taboo nature of an FLR urges partners to triple-check the quality of their communication and ensure the existence of mutual enjoyment and consent,” says Burrell. “For the relationship to even function, trust is an absolute must.”
Bottom line: whether it be through kink and BDSM, gender roles in the household, or specific agreements within the relationship, the unique female-led dynamic helps abolish the assumption that roles between a man and woman are automatically assigned. Female-led relationships create a safe space for partners to be their most authentic selves and to contribute to the relationship in ways that work for them, as opposed to what society expects.
To be clear, female-led relationships are very much not for everyone! But the whole “bucking societal standards and building a relationship on your own terms” thing? That’s some FLR wisdom I think we would all do well to apply to our own relationships—regardless of who’s wearing the pants.
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