Dear Graham Norton: 'I can't get over the sudden death of my friend'

Dear Graham

A close friend died suddenly in a car accident six months ago and I can’t move on from it. I miss her so much and I just find it so unfair. I think I feel angry more than anything. I know logically it can happen to any of us at any time, but I had never experienced the loss of a loved one before. I am getting counselling but I won’t be able to afford to carry on when my allocation is used up and I feel no better than I did when I heard the news. Her other friends, the ones I know, are all devastated as well, so we’re not being much comfort to one another.

Do you have any advice for us?

S, via email

Dear S

Someone died. A human being you loved was removed from your life in a horrible way. So six months is not a very long period of time at all. It may be difficult but what you are going through is perfectly natural, as you can see from how the other friends who loved her are coping.

You are all devastated and I think it is important to experience that. Don’t try to sweep away your feelings. Talk to each other, remember your friend, cry together. You miss her and should be able to express that to other people.

When young people die it is common to think in terms of it being unfair or feeling angry about the injustice of it all. Try not to focus on all the things your friend will miss out on, but instead think about all the things she did. Her life may have been cut short but her story has been completed. Her life had a beginning, a middle and an end. Try to make sense of that and celebrate her memory. Her life touched so many of you and her death is going to shape the rest of your lives in ways you won’t even notice. You can’t see her any more, or talk to her, but your friend is very much a part of your life.

Time will help. You will laugh again and make new friends, but there will always be moments when something reminds you. That sadness, though, will be different to what you are feeling now. It is all still very raw, but grief has a way of mellowing in our memories, to the point where it is almost something to savour. A life touched yours in a special way and, despite the sadness, that is something to treasure.

You will never forget her and you will always miss her, but one day soon those feelings won’t overwhelm all your other emotions. Loss is part of living and it is never easy but it does serve to remind us how lucky we are that we get more time. Use it to the full. Live the best life you know how to. Do it for her.