77 Clean Jokes That Are Appropriate for Work and Kids
Telling jokes can be dicey. There are plenty of situations where breaking out your favorite Chris Rock routine could land you in hot water (or worse, HR). But don’t fret—you don’t have to work blue to make people laugh. At your kid’s school event, maybe tone down the language and elicit some clucks from the crowd with a flock of chicken jokes. You could knock out Susan from accounting with your knock-knock jokes. You could even a-mooo-se everyone at the family reunion with an array of cow jokes. The point is, you can make people laugh without sacrificing your marriage, job, or well-being.
No matter what kind of jokes you decide to build your set around, it couldn’t hurt to pad the routine with a few easy-breezy, clean ones. That’s why we’ve amassed a whole bunch of almost-always-appropriate witticisms about topics that range from Batman and dog magicians to Will Smith and Snoop Dogg. Even better, you can safely tell every single one of them in the presence of 9 year olds, 90 year olds, and everyone in between. You just might have to explain to both kids and seniors that Snoop Dogg is the guy from the Olympics.
Clean Work Jokes
What do dentists call x-rays? Tooth pics.
Where do waiters with on leg work? IHOP.
How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!
How do scientists freshen their breath? Experi-mints.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? They make up everything.
What is the best way to criticize your boss? Very quietly.
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? Ian.
Clean Animal Jokes
How do you measure a snake? In inches because they don’t have feet.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is super heavy; the other is a little lighter.
What do you call a toothless grizzly? Gummy bear.
What do you call a pig that’s a black belt? A pork chop.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
What did the buffalo say when his son went to college? Bison.
Clean Punny Jokes
When does a joke become a “dad” joke? When it becomes apparent.
How come it was called the “Dark Ages”? There were a lot of knights.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
I stayed up one night wondering where the sun was. Finally, it dawned on me.
What do you call fake fettuccine? Impasta.
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Why are crabs bad at sharing. They’re shellfish.
I tried to catch fog. Mist.
Why did the banana skip school? It wasn’t peeling well.
Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
Where do bad rainbows go? Prism where they serve a light sentence.
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad.
Clean Silly Jokes
What did the ocean say to the ocean? Nothing. It just waved.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? No idea, but their flag is a big plus.
Why isn’t Dracula married? He’s a real pain in the neck.
Want to hear a joke about the roof? The first one is on the house.
How come teddy bears refuse to snack? They’re always stuffed.
What did the Buddhist ask at the ice cream shop? Make me one with everything.
I tried to win a suntan contest. All I got was bronze.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Why did the skeleton skip the dance? He had no body to go with.
Where do snowmen get loans? Snowbanks.
Why won’t skeletons fight? They don’t have the guts.
Why was the belt arrested? It was caught holding up a pair of pants.
What do you call a snowman in summer? A puddle.
Why was Cinderella kicked off her soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the car get a flat tire? There was a fork in the road.
Why did the can crusher quit his job. It was soda pressing.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? To get a filling.
What does a vegan zombie want to eat? Graaaaiiins.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
What do you call Batman when he skips work? Christian Bale.
Two antennas decided to get married. The ceremony was fine, but the reception was great!
I skipped work because of an eye problem. I couldn’t see myself in the office today.
What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian? Ah matey.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call Batman and Robin after they get run over? Flatman and Ribbon.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work. A can’t opener.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Did you hear the story about the astronaut who left his wife? He needed some space.
There wasn’t a dry eye at the wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.
Today got rid of some dead batteries. I gave them away, free of charge.
What kind of dogs make the best car racers? Lap dogs.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. Things were tense.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why are people amazed by dry erase boards? They’re re-markable.
To err is human. To blame other people is management.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don’t know and don’t care.
Why do ghosts use elevators? They lift their spirits.
Have you heard the rumor about butter? Well, I shouldn’t be spreading this…
I got rid of my vacuum. All it was doing was collecting dust.
Looking to buy chicken broth in bulk? Try the stock market.
No matter how much you push paper, it’ll still be stationery.
What do you do if you get bird flu? Seek tweetment.
It’s hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
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