5 things that Singaporeans would ask Bishop from 'Mechanic: Resurrection' to do

It seems that every time Jason Statham is in a film, bad guys will inevitably hold his loved ones hostage so that he’ll perform a series of increasingly impossible tasks. “Mechanic: Resurrection” is no different, except that he’s asked to kill some very important (and very hard-to-kill) people.

But of course, killing people is bad and most of us won’t ever even think of it. Still, if we had Bishop (Jason Statham’s character in “Mechanic: Resurrection”) at our disposal here in Singapore, he might be doing far more difficult tasks than just taking out deadly warlords and assassins.

Here’s a list of five tasks that Singaporeans would get Bishop to do, that totally won’t get him in trouble with the law.

Bishop (Jason Statham) would be camping for Hello Kitty toys like a sniper. (Golden Village Pictures)

1. Get the latest McDonald’s Hello Kitty Happy Meal toys

Although we haven’t had some McDonald’s Hello Kitty exclusives in a while, every time there’s a new promotion, queues that could rival Pokemon GO crowds form overnight.

They snake all over community centres and void decks starting from 10pm. If Bishop were our minion, we’d send him to get those exclusive Hello Kitty toys. He’d have to fend off noisy aunties, crazed fans, and endure a humid night with kiasu Singaporeans, a task that even the most powerful warlord would loathe doing.

But who can resist those Hello Kitty toys? And this could apply to any thing trending that you’d need to queue for.

Defend the seat with your life! (Golden Village Pictures)

2. ‘Chope’ seat at popular hawker centres

So now Michelin Guide’s Bib Gourmand list is out and suddenly crowds are sprouting up at everyone’s favourite hawker stalls.

Seriously, where do all these people come from? That makes our hawker centres even more crowded than usual during the peak periods, and finding a seat is almost impossible with all those tissue packets around.

Even if you spot an empty table, you’d need to parkour your way across the crowd to get there before some other office executive slams a tissue packet on it.

Bishop, go get us a table. Preferably one with good ventilation and a bit of wind, but not too much so our things won’t fly all over the place, okay?

It’d take more than that to be a parent volunteer. (Golden Village Pictures)

3. Be a parent volunteer in a good Primary school

They say every school’s a good school, but actions speak louder than words. Getting into a good Primary school requires years of parent volunteering if you stay far away and have no affiliation to the school.

But becoming a parent volunteer is no mean feat. You need to attend do a write-up about yourself, attend seminars to know what you’re in for, and then go for a rigorous interview.

You’ll be up against equally competitive parents, all hoping to get nearer to the coveted placement for their little angels.

That’s not a job for any regular human being. That’s a job for the Mechanic.

Hopefully that’s not how Bishop gets on trains. (Golden Village Pictures)

4. Get into the train during peak hours (and maybe fixing the MRT while he’s at it)

Go to Raffles Place at 6pm and you’ll be amazed how little space a human being actually needs to survive.

Getting into the station is a problem, let alone going down the escalator onto the train platform.

You need a combination of brute strength (to bash through the crowd), feline agility (to dodge other members of the rampaging mob), and inhuman flexibility (to squeeze through small spaces).

And that’s after a hard day’s work. We’d send Bishop to clear a way for us. Besides, if the MRT breaks down, he could probably fix it too.

Completing a Pokedex by any means necessary. (Golden Village Pictures)

5. Complete your Pokedex and defend your gym

Head to Vivocity or Hougang Ave 10 and you’ll be swarmed by Pokemon GO trainers tossing Pokeballs on their mobile phones in a futile attempt to finish their Pokedex (but until someone catches Ditto, nobody’s Pokedex will truly be complete).

Then there are country specific Pokemon and legendary Pokemon to worry about. Not to mention making sure your new gym doesn’t get taken over by some Valor/Mystic/Instinct punk while you’re busy at work.

Ain’t nobody got time for this — unless you’ve got Bishop on your side! Sic him on the crowd and watch him catch every Pokemon in sight. Send him to exotic locations to catch Pokemon or to camp it out at a hot spawn spot.

And get him to catch Ditto. Come on, Bishop, you want to complete the contract or not?

Marcus Goh is a Singapore television scriptwriter. He’s also a Transformers enthusiast and avid pop culture scholar. He Tweets/Instagrams at Optimarcus and writes at marcusgohmarcusgoh.com. The views expressed are his own.