Why is Stanley Tucci making a negroni so hot? I decided to investigate
They said it could never be done, but Stanley Tucci has managed to unite that fickle, forever bickering thing called the internet, and with an act so mundane we can only marvel at his bald, bespectacled power.
In a video he posted on Instagram on Monday, Tucci stands in his kitchen and makes his wife, Felicity, a negroni. It’s a simple enough thing to do: a negroni only has three ingredients (gin, sweet vermouth and Campari).
Yet ever since he uploaded the video to his Instagram page, there has been an outpouring of thirstiness for Tucci from everyone, regardless of gender or sexuality (my straight, possibly Tucci-sexual self included).
So far the video has been viewed on Twitter 5.8m times, and one of the first users to share it summed up the mood early on:
not to be horny on main but stanley tucci doing a cocktail masterclass on igtv is the most erotic thing in the world pic.twitter.com/LphyhHHKS8
— lucy ford⁷ (@lucyj_ford) April 20, 2020
Muna Mire, a writer and producer, also weighed in, tweeting: “Stanley Tucci is hot. as a lesbian I could not affirm this more deeply.”
Tucci’s masterclass was also loved by BuzzFeed – a site that seems to encounter the most exciting, epic and deep experiences several times an hour. But even in their crowded field of superlative moments, the video was still “the most soothing thing [they’ve] seen all day”.
Some were slightly less restrained in attesting to Tucci’s broad appeal: “everybody – literally every single adult human in the world – would fuck Stanley Tucci and if they say otherwise they’re lying…” tweeted Jenna Guillaume. The actor Chris Evans also got in on the act: “however cool, fun, witty, and charming you think [Tucci] is, double it and you’re halfway there.”
As things were getting heated on Twitter, they were starting to shoot up on Google. This Trends graph, which handily doubles as a thirstometer, shows the volume of searches for Stanley Tucci over the last 90 days.
So what is it about Stanley Tucci making a negroni that’s so hot? After talking to various experts (sexually frustrated quarantined people on Twitter), I’ve broken it down into five areas:
His arms
Like Stanley Tucci, Stanley Tucci’s arms are 59 years old, and you can kind of tell. They’re a bit sinewy and sag ever so slightly, but let’s not kid ourselves: they’re also bulging out of his tight polo shirt. Time may be trying its hardest, but can only take its toll so much on Tucci. Let’s not mince our words, they add a certain … “daddiness” to him. And if I’ve learned anything from the internet, people like this.
What he says and how he says it
As an experiment, try making a drink and describe it as you go along. As you umm and ahh, you’ll begin to realize how effortlessly charming Tucci is. Nothing he’s saying in the video is that interesting, but his little flourishes – warning against drinking Martini brand vermouth while wagging his finger (“mhm”), calling the negroni “that ubiquitous Milanese cocktail” – reminds us why so many people fantasize about hanging out with famous actors. A lot of them may be terrible people, but you imagine their ability to hold an audience makes them great company.
Tucci’s tone is also incredibly calming. As my friend Mark puts it: “It’s the nonchalance he has in his voice – the same quality that Jeff Goldblum has. Staying in a low register and not giving any hints that he wants your attention.”
The arms, the hands, the timbre and direction of his voice. like that is how i want a man to talk to me in bed
— la lloronavirus (@meaganrosae) April 23, 2020
His handling of the cocktail shaker
It’s so unnecessary for Tucci to be banging his cocktail shaker down with the force that he does. But he does it anyway, only adding to the sense that his arms could squeeze all the loneliness out of you. It also adds to the sense of confidence he exudes throughout.
“Competence” being projected, not objective. That actually looks like a drink I don’t want. And ordinarily faux competence only enrages me. So that leaves...his voice.
— Zora O’Neill 🦔 (@zora) April 23, 2020
It’s Stanley Tucci
If I had to guess, I would say there are probably a billion videos out there of men with muscular arms making cocktails (and if there aren’t, there soon will be). But none of these men are the Hollywood actor, producer, writer and author of the cookbook The Tucci Table Stanley Tucci. Some have also commented on the effect that the camera angle has, which brings you into Tucci’s gaze, past his usual air of unattainable stardom.
This video is puts the viewer on a date with Stanley Tucci. A. Date. With. Stanley. Tucci.
Also, biceps.— Geraldine (@everywhereist) April 23, 2020
Everyone is quarantined
We can’t underestimate the influence this is having right now. Would we find Tucci making a negroni hot if there wasn’t a global pandemic? Probably, but nowhere near as much.
The evidence for this is everywhere: people are watching more porn now that they’re under quarantine, sex toy sales are soaring in some countries and some experts are even attributing a rise in lust to something called terror management theory.
“Research has found that when we are faced with the prospect of our own mortality, this prompts sexual desire and behavior as a coping mechanism,” writes Justin J Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. “To the extent that the Covid-19 pandemic is making mortality more salient, it would make sense that you’d see a rise in horniness right now, which could partly explain why more porn is being consumed.”
Perhaps that last part is overthinking it. But whether it’s Stanley Tucci’s arms, his voice, or that little thing called terror management theory, it’s comforting to know there’s something we can all agree on, however trivial.
