Violent bargain-hunter or smug naysayer: what's your Black Friday personality?
Gird your loins, sharpen your sword, and clear some space on your shelf for a new multi-room wireless speaker: Black Friday is upon us once more.
For anyone who’s been hiding in a hole these past few years, first where is it and can we join you? And second, by way of explanation, we’re referring to the day of slashed prices and incontinent spending that traditionally follows Thanksgiving. (No, we know we don’t celebrate that here, and yes we’ll come on to that later.)
Don’t worry, we’re not here to tell you where you can find the best bargains, or to point out that you can get the same stuff cheaper on other days. The latter may be true, but in the absence of organised religion and event television, we need something to bring us together in these cold, dark days. So, in the spirit of togetherness, and to get you in the mood for what we’re definitely not calling the Big Day, take our entirely non-scientific test and find out: what’s your Black Friday personality?
The fighter
That footage you’ve seen of crazed bargain-hunters trampling on other people’s faces and clawing out eyes in pursuit of a heavily discounted telly from Asda? That’s you. There’s no act of physical violence you’ll stop at if the price is right - and no sense of shame. If consumerism is the new religion, then you’re one hell of a devout worshipper and you don’t care who knows it.
Admittedly your left hand hasn’t had the same functionality since a rival shopper crushed it beneath her boot as she clambered over you to grab a food mixer last Black Friday. (It was 70% off, so this was bound to happen.) But a mere flesh wound won’t stop you setting the alarm for the middle of the night and returning to the fray this time around, possibly in body armour.
The armchair clicker
You look with disdain upon the fighters and wouldn’t be caught dead in the middle of the fray in Currys. Instead, you’ll settle down with your laptop and click away from the comfort of your own home. It’s so easy, you can even enjoy a glass of wine while you shop. Make sure it’s only one glass though, else you’ll find yourself the ambivalent owner of hundreds of pounds worth of bargains you never wanted in the first place and will never quite get around to using.
The denial buyer
You plan to have nothing to do with this orgy of conspicuous consumption. It's obscene; the whole spectacle Hogarthian in its degeneracy. Everyone around you knows this, because you’ve told them so, loudly and often. Only, when the day comes, it suddenly occurs to you that you really could do with a worktop coffee machine. And wouldn’t it be silly to buy at full price? You’ll just have a little browse online, purely to see what’s on offer. You’re not committing yourself to anything just by scrolling through...oh wait, that looks good. And that one. Hang on, where’s my credit card?
The smug non-participator
Pah! Why are we even celebrating Black Friday? It’s yet another pile of lowbrow American nonsense we’ve idiotically imported, and we certainly don’t need any more of that. Don’t people realise it’s all about the post-Thanksgiving period and therefore has nothing to do with us Brits? Well, you realise this, at any rate, and you’ll keep your (self-satisfied) head when all about you are losing theirs. You don’t need a new kettle anyway. Or a new toaster. Or that lovely blue turtle-neck cashmere jumper you saw on the high street the other day. Ok, maybe that.
The Green Saturday warrior
Forget Black Friday, everyone. Your evil consumer ways are killing our planet dead. The day after is the one to get excited about, if you really want to save the whale. Green Saturday has not gone mainstream yet (and doesn’t that make it all the more appealing?). But it’s celebrating its third anniversary in Long Beach, California, as a “vegan and cruelty-free holiday marketplace” the day after Black Friday. It surely won’t be long before it takes off here too. After all, we need something to fill the yawning gap between Black Friday and Cyber Monday. No, don’t get us started on Cyber Monday.
Are you a smug non-participator or armchair clicker? Tell us your Black Friday personality in the comment section below.
To join the conversation, log in to your Telegraph account or register for free, here.
