A Very Important Look at What Your Date's Weird Pet Actually Says About Him

Taylor Andrews
Photo credit: E Network

From Cosmopolitan

Hey, cutie. Just wanted to let you know that this story originally ran in our February issue, so if you like what you see, you should probably snag a hard copy ASAP. Bye!

Admit it: You’ve aggressively swiped right on an otherwise kinda whatever dude just because the golden doodle chillin' in his pics looked like a Very Good Boy—and later been enraged to find out it's actually his cousin's roommate’s dog. "Hi, 911? I’d like to report a CRIME."

Guys are constantly posing with pups to flex their responsible, fun-loving vibes because it works: 70 percent of singles say a floof-filled profile is a turn-on, a recent survey confirms.

But enough with the charades! You wanna know about that critter he’s not bringing to the brewery on Saturdays—the one you find out about on date four when you’re at his place and see a couple of frozen mice thawing in the sink and he’s like, "Oh, yeah, those are for Rumpelsnakeskin. He’s over there."

That downplayed animal friend will tell you alllll you need to know about this guy's dateability (seriously, it's a thing). Sorry, grown-ass-man-with-a-hermit-crab (really?!), we're blowing up your spot.

Raccoon = Crass

Photo credit: Picture by Tambako the Jaguar - Getty Images

Snake = An actual snake

Photo credit: Joe McDonald - Getty Images

Horse = Rich AF

Photo credit: Sascha M. Sachs / EyeEm - Getty Images

Ferret = An incel

Photo credit: Picture by Tambako the Jaguar - Getty Images

Bird = DTF 24/7/365

Photo credit: Nitat Termmee - Getty Images

Tarantula = A masochist

Photo credit: Jeffrey Coolidge - Getty Images

Iguana = Apathetic

Photo credit: kuritafsheen - Getty Images

Hermit Crab = Always leaving the toilet seat up

Photo credit: Antonio Luis Martinez Cano - Getty Images

Snail = A sex addict

Photo credit: Ozgur Donmaz - Getty Images

Chinchilla = Full of allll the BDE (marry him now)

Photo credit: JustAsLive - Getty Images

Praying Mantis = Packing a pencil dick

Photo credit: Paul Starosta - Getty Images

Hedgehog = Testy

Photo credit: Oksana Schmidt - Getty Images

Eel = Stalkerish

Photo credit: Rene Gazzola / EyeEm - Getty Images

Chicken = Afraid of commitment

Photo credit: Tawatchai Prakobkit / EyeEm - Getty Images

Rabbit = A two-pump chump

Photo credit: Charla Anne - Getty Images

Goldfish = Control freak

Photo credit: Christopher Stevenson - Getty Images

Hamster = Unemployed

Photo credit: Sol de Zuasnabar Brebbia - Getty Images

Mouse = Prepubescent

Photo credit: Martin Barraud - Getty Images

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