Hey, cutie. Just wanted to let you know that this story originally ran in our February issue, so if you like what you see, you should probably snag a hard copy ASAP. Bye!
Admit it: You’ve aggressively swiped right on an otherwise kinda whatever dude just because the goldendoodle chillin’ in his pics looked like a Very Good Boy—and later been enraged to find out it’s actually his cousin’s roommate’s dog. “Hi, 911? I’d like to report a CRIME.”
Guys are constantly posing with pups to flex their responsible, fun-loving vibes because it works: 70 percent of singles say a floof-filled profile is a turn-on, a recent survey confirms.
But enough with the charades! You wanna know about that critter he’s not bringing to the brewery on Saturdays—the one you find out about on date four when you’re at his place and see a couple of frozen mice thawing in the sink and he’s like, “Oh, yeah, those are for Rumpelsnakeskin. He’s over there.”
That downplayed animal friend will tell you alllll you need to know about this guy’s dateability (seriously, it’s a thing). Sorry, grown-ass-man-with-a-hermit-crab (really?!), we’re blowing up your spot.
Raccoon = Crass
Snake = An actual snake
Horse = Rich AF
Ferret = An incel
Bird = DTF 24/7/365
Tarantula = A masochist
Iguana = Apathetic
Hermit Crab = Always leaving the toilet seat up
Snail = A sex addict
Chinchilla = Full of alllll the BDE (marry him now)
Praying Mantis = Packing a pencil dick
Hedgehog = Testy
Eel = Stalkerish
Chicken = Afraid of commitment
Rabbit = A two-pump chump
Goldfish = Control freak
Hamster = Unemployed
Mouse = Prepubescent
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