These Tips Can Help You Become a Better Role Model to Your Children
Being a parent comes with a lot of pressure. You want to raise your kids the right way so they grow up to be kind, courageous, independent, and all-around strong individuals. You also want to keep an eye on them enough to make sure nothing bad happens to them. You're responsible for them for the majority of their lives, and that's a huge weight on your shoulders!
As much as you want to be a genuinely good parent, you also want your children to look up to you. Think about how nice it would be to hear your child say your name when asked who their role model is.
The reality is that no parent is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and as you're teaching your kids things, chances are high that you're also learning and growing along the way. That means that you're not always going to do the right thing...and that's okay. It also doesn't affect whether you can still be a great role model for your children. It's not about being perfect. It's about being inspiring, which still seems easier said than done. Here are some tips on how to be the kind of parent your kid looks up to, according to experts:
1. Acknowledge their feelings
No matter how young your child is, they have legitimate feelings and emotions that deserve to be heard and respected. These might sound small and insignificant to you, but you always need to acknowledge them, even if you're kind of faking it. Beth Jakubanis, LCSW, founder of SoCal Therapy Center in Woodland Hills, CA, explained, "A parent can build admiration by strengthening the relationship by reflecting their children's emotions. Oftentimes parents are afraid that if they acknowledge the feeling, they will give it more power. But the reality is that when a child knows you see their feelings, it builds their trust in you and serves to deescalate the child."
Brent Sweitzer, LPC, RPT, child counselor and Registered Play Therapist, agreed and added, "Despite conventional wisdom saying otherwise, most children are naturally empathetic. When we create a climate in our homes where feelings can be shared without judgement, we allow this natural tendency to develop and grow."
2. Always be yourself
You want your kids to always be themselves, but they won't learn that if you don't also live authentically. Dr. John Duffy, Chicago-based clinical psychologist, parenting expert, and certified life coach, explained that you should always live the life you want to live so that your child sees you're doing that. He said, "Too often, I see parents encouraging their children to follow their gifts and passions when they fail to do so on their own." Kids are more likely to do what you do than do what you say, and if they see you following your heart, they'll do the same. He added, "Your children will want what you have, including beautiful, positive relationships with their own children."
3. Don't be afraid to make mistakes
It's hard to believe, but your kids don't want a role model who is perfect all the time. That's good news for you as a parent: it means you can embrace your mistakes with grace so that you can both learn from them. The way you go through a challenging moment can inspire them. "It's through those moments that we can instill values in our children that will serve them well throughout their lives and, in doing so, be the kinds of people that our children will look up to," explained Rashelle Chase, a member of KinderCare's education team.
Chase said that acknowledging your mistakes and apologizing to your children for making them teaches them that mistakes are normal and that strength can come from admitting to them. She added, "Being a parent that your child looks up to doesn’t require being a super hero; what it requires is showing our children that we are as human as anybody else, with all the flaws that entails, and that we respect our children enough to be vulnerable and honest with them. When we model honesty, courage and vulnerability, we teach our children to do the same, and imprint upon our children a legacy that they will look up to."
4. Always be honest
Lying to your kids isn't going to win you any points, even if it seems like a harmless fib. Being honest and transparent is the way to go when you want kids to look up to you. Marika Lindholm, Ph.D., and founder of ESME, said, "Modern parenting requires a special kind of discipline because children today are more savvy and sophisticated. The most important components of being the kind of parent that a child looks up to are honesty and integrity. Kids today are loaded with information so it’s easy to get caught in a lie or be viewed as hypocritical." Her advice? Offer nuanced discussions about difficult topics to gain their respect.
5. Give them space
As a parent, it can be hard to step back and just let your kids be, especially as they get older. But that could be exactly what they need to really appreciate you. "Give them space to be who they are, to listen to them, and to love them. When you lead with love, your child will learn that failure is a learning opportunity; that they have a voice, and they will inherently learn how to treat others," explained Christina Maziarz of Your Empty Nest Coach.
6. Embrace your flaws
Don't only acknowledge and apologize for your mistakes. You should also be embracing your flaws to show that you're not perfect, because again, that's not what kids want you to be. Aubrey Parks-Fried, mother and branding and content strategist at Sittercity, encouraged parents to accept that they'll never be the "perfect" parent. She said, "Constantly searching for the 'secret' or 'right' way to optimize the most perfect form of parenthood takes us out of being the great parent we already are."
In other words, don't try so hard to be their role model. Parks-Fried added, "Accepting our flaws and strengths in one big beautiful package is the key to being a parent your child will look up to."
7. Give them options
Instead of trying to get your child to do what you want them to do, recognize that they are their own person and allow them to make (at least some of) their own decisions. Parent educator Damon Nailer said that this helps kids feel "empowered and independent." Nailer said, "Oftentimes, children rebel because they feel they have no power or very limited power. When you give a child a choice, he/she feels as though his/her ideas and decisions count. This will increase the respect towards his/her parent(s)."
8. Make it clear that you're in charge
Some parents think that the best way to be a role model is to be their friend, but that's not the case. Kids don't want you to be too controlling, but they do want to feel like they have a parent. Licensed psychologist Dr. Stephanie M. Kriesberg, Psy.D, encourages "authoritative" or "balanced parenting." She explained, "That means that as a parent you are warm, responsive to your child's needs, and flexible. However, your child knows you are in charge; your family is not a free-for-all. Kids and teens need limits to feel safe and loved. Children who feel protected and listened to will grow up to respect their parents."
9. Play with your kids
At the same time, don't just be their parent. Aside from disciplining and talking, you should make time to play with your kids and do enjoyable things with them. Jackubanis recommends, "During the week, 15 minutes in between homework, dinner, chores, and sports is all they need. On the weekends playing for a longer period of time can add depth to the relationship."
10. Treat others with respect
Show your children that you're someone to be looked up to by acting kind towards others. Don't just tell them to be nice to other people - actually do it. Kriesberg said, "It's cliche but true: actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to how you treat and talk about people in your life, from your spouse to your neighbor to the server in the restaurant. You are your child's most powerful teacher and role model. They cannot respect you if you don't treat others with respect." That goes for people you know too. Lindholm added, "Refrain from criticizing or mocking their friends or other family members. Kids who see their parents as phonies or two-faced don’t hold their parents in high regard, and even worry that they might be the target of criticism when they aren’t around."
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