If horror movies are to be believed, it’s only a matter of time before your house is invaded by some maniac or gang of wrong ‘uns. But horror has also taught us some valuable lessons on how to defend our dwelling and survive such an attack from your local serial killer or gang of thugs, as we see in the latest creepy horror film, ‘Intruders’.
To help, here are some examples of how stay safe(ish) and ward off any knife-wielding fruit loops that may come knocking…
Be Totally Prepared
As seen in A Nightmare on Elm Street
Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) has the good sense to set her house up with a load of booby traps, setting her nemesis Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) on fire, before catching him with a swift one to the family jewels courtesy of a spring-loaded sledge hammer. To be fair, she knew Freddy was coming – but to be completely safe, it’s best to get the house booby trapped in preparation for potential intruders. Just be careful not to frighten yourself in the process and set off said hammer by mistake.
Inventively Use Your Household Items
As seen in Halloween
Any irritating eight-year-old can strategically place some Christmas decorations under the window or rig up a tin of paint on some string. We’re talking about the art of picking up a mundane, everyday item and turning it into a lethal weapon at the drop of a hat, like Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) does in the final scenes of ‘Halloween’, bending out a coat hanger and jamming it into Michael Myers’ eye. For best results, make a mental note of all your homely itinerary and imagine how they might be used to skewer/hack/bludgeon someone to death.
Ban All Teenagers
As seen in every horror film
Stalkers, slashers, intruders, whatever… if there’s one certainty about horror movie maniacs, it’s that they absolutely, positively want to kill every teenager within range. So if you want to defend your house and guarantee survival, there’s one golden rule: make sure you don’t let a single teen through the door; never mind letting them in to drink booze, smoke pot, and have tons of promiscuous sex (that’s a sure-fire way for an undesirable date with a machete).
Unplug The Phone
As seen in Scream
Not so you can swing it around by the chord and clobber an intruder (though that is an option – see point two), but because some stalkers are polite enough to call ahead, much like ol’ Ghostface in ‘Scream’. The problem, of course, is that answering the phone to a stab-happy psycho is akin to inviting a vampire into the house. Do yourself a favour, unplug the phone, turn off your mobile, and log out of all social media before the all stalkers learn how to use Twitter.
Be A Raging Psycho Yourself
As seen in Intruders
Anna (Beth Riesgraf) might look like an innocent, butter-wouldn’t-melt agoraphobic, which is why this gang of, well, Intruders (clue’s in the title) think she’s an easy target. But she soon reveals herself a borderline deranged nutcase with a purpose-built torture chamber in the basement. So maybe take a leaf from Anna’s book - it’s certainly one way to send the villains packing, anyway.
Don’t Bother With Hi-Tech Security
As seen in The Purge
It got James Sandin (Ethan Hawke) and his family absolutely nowhere. They might as well have had a sign outside saying “murderers welcome here” for all the good his fancy camera systems did them during the country’s annual murder/crime spree. No, take it from us, your money’s better off spent on a giant axe or hockey mask or something. So when the masked lunatics come for you, you can give as good as you get.
Be A Trained Survival Expert
As seen in You’re Next
Simple, really. In case you’re unable to achieve any of the above pointers, just be an unequivocal killing machine, as Erin (Sharni Vinson) is when her entire family come under siege at the hands of a small group of animal mask-wearing killers. Obviously it helps if you’ve had survivalist compound training throughout your earlier years; so even if you can’t find any household implements to improvise with, you’ve always got your excellent survival knowledge and expertise to fall back on.
Intruders is on DVD & Blu-ray now.
Picture credit: HanWay Films, New Line Cinema, Compass International Pictures, Mandalay Entertainment, Dimension Films, Black Fish Films, Universal Pictures