Sophia the Robot's Extreme Makeover is Too Much

From ELLE

Your girl Sophia the Robot is on the cover of London's Stylist Magazine looking like a promotional photo for a filmed called How Intel Got Her Groove Back and I am vexed.

I mean, good for this robot for having a glow-up but also, how dare this robot get a glow-up. I'm over here texting my plastic surgeon trying to figure out how to get Jane Fonda's face and this actual machine is giving easy, breezy, bot-iful. It's enough, Sophia. (Can I call her Sophia or do I have to use her whole government name Sophia the Robot, of House Beep-Beep-Boop, First of Her Name, the Unrebooted, and Mother of iPhone?)

Sophia is over here rocking a burgundy lip stain like someone making a subtle statement in support of Ashleigh Banford. Her cheeks have a touch of contour like she's been watching Fenty tutorials online. She's got on her Laura Dern in Twin Peaks wig and I'm shewk at a molecular level.

One does wonder, however, why a robot is wearing makeup at all. Like, isn't this an awkward incursion by standards of beauty that are based in patriarchal power structures? Then again, do I even have the right to critique Sophia's appearance? What if Sophia's wearing makeup because she wants to? Am I being a bad ally? Are robots women? This machine has broken my feminism.

Hot take: The Robots Took Over and I Became Problematic.

But for real, Sophia's over here with a wind machine flouncing her gown like she's at a photo booth at Sundance. She's looking coy and playful, which is impressive on a technical level, but on a conceptual level is outrageous. Why is this robot giving you the kind of flirtatious, fun vibe that it takes twenty takes to capture in a selfie? Sophia the Robot is over here making all your Tinder pics looks like used socks.

Why are we glamorizing robots? Why am I envious of a robot? Why am I looking at a robot's wrinkles like, "Hm, she should moisturize"? Why am I tweeting at Sophia about the 16 serums I found that helped me in my lifelong quest to stop aging like cheese in a warm garage? When I look in the mirror, why do I suddenly get a 404 message?

Why did they put Sophia in a wig? Why didn't they buy Sophia a better wig? Is Sophia even serious about winning Drag Race or is she literally here to make friends?

Should I be friends with a robot? Is this robot too popular to be my friend? If I put blush on my Amazon Alexa will it be nicer to me? If I put blush on myself will my iPhone acknowledge me? Does my Roomba think I am pretty? How can I look more like my toaster? How?

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.