Queen and Only Fools & Horses? Here's what really mark you out as middle-aged
First of all, before we go any further, can we just agree on something? Can we make a deal to never say “middle-age” again? Because middle-age is a dress that no longer fits.
Middle-age doesn’t describe the reality of our situation, doesn’t reflect the way we are living now. Call us Gen-Xers, or “midults”. Call us “F-somethings”, if you like. But call us if you want to have a good time.
Because we are not chained to our Agas, we are hyper-connected, hyper-engaged. We are buying it, reading it, doing it. We have not mellowed, we are not dulled. We are not booking sunset cruises (but actually they do look rather fun, and isn’t the Caribbean not too shabby this time of year?).
'Middle-age' doesn’t reflect the way we are living now. Call us Gen-Xers, or “midults” if you like - just call us if you want to have a good time
Anew survey from Nationwide Savings about middle-age likes and dislikes found a strange tribe of fifty-somethings who are mostly watching Only Fools & Horses and listening to Queen; stuck in an endless loop of nostalgia while planning what hobby to take up next.
Well, me and my fellow midlifers grew up with hip hop, with grunge, with the internet. We are running businesses and families and Instagramming from the Wilderness Festival and Wimbledon. We are Natalie Massenet, JK Rowling, Claudia Winkleman.
And here are some of things we like and dislike.
Likes
Dressing
Most of us consider ourselves to have a fresher, more evolving style and attitude than the Baby Boomer generation. As a result, there are no rules. Trainers? Absolutely. Jumpsuits? Why not? Topshop may hate you, but there is a raft of brilliance on the high street from Cos to &OtherStories to Warehouse to Zara. Grab an Isabel Marant dress and a Saint Laurent bomber. You can never tell what is going to be in our basket. Not a euphemism.
Small caveat? Step away from the waterfall cardigan. It is not your friend. You might as well hold a placard above your head saying “I give up”.
Watching
Grease is the word according to the survey, as it tops the over-50s’ favourite film list. Really? Well, we were first in the queue for La La Land, and have just finished crying at the final episode of Girls. We are more likely to be watching The Crown on Netflix than reruns of Dad’s Army on UK Gold, thank you very much. I was late for a meeting recently because I was gripped by the James Corden/Riz Ahmed rap battle on YouTube.
Current obsession? Big Little Lies. Yes, it’s over, yes, it’s brilliant. If you haven’t watched it yet, we are jealous. Think Nicole Kidman and Reece Witherspoon talking menopause and anxiety. Yes, they said “menopause” – out loud.
Speaking of hormones, we are also watching anything with Tom Hardy, including his Bedtime Stories for CBeebies. It is perfectly possible to be in fulfilling imaginary relationship with Tom Hardy. So we’ve heard.
Swearing
It helps. It does. As in, “Where are my f------ keys?” and “No, I haven’t paid off the bloody mortgage.”
Sleeping
Can sleeping be our hobby rather than gardening? Given the time we spend obsessing about sleep or, rather, the lack of it, the time spent downloading sleep apps, buying sleep pillows, sprinkling lavender (which doesn’t work), making appointments with doctors and hypnotists, going to sleep clinics, we are going to say yes, it is our hobby. Also, is good sleep better than good sex? Just asking.
Social media
We’d probably get a lot more sleep if we didn’t read the Internet every night before bed. We spend more time online than millennials. We are the fastest growing demographic on Facebook; Snapchat, too. But our true love is Instagram: all the interiors, the jokes, the curated glimpses into people’s lives which make us happy/sad/angry all at once. It has just been announced that Instagram is twice the size of Twitter (we are on that too).
Listening
Of course we love David Bowie (number two on the Fifties’ fave list), but we pick’n’mix our listening, swinging between BBC 6 Music and Heart, Apple Music and Spotify playlists. And we know our Christine and the Queens from Queen. Don’t we have Ed Sheeran's Shape of You as a perma-earworm like everybody else? Not forgetting all the podcasts we subscribe to. We never stop podlistening.
Dislikes
Genetic nudges
You will notice that most midlife women look a bit haunted when they walk past a glass window. It’s because they’ve just seen their mother briefly, and it frightens them. We have a very intense relationship with the mirror these days, flipping from loathing to loving, depending on the mood and the lighting.
Teeth
What do you want for your next big birthday? Braces is the answer on a lot of midlife women’s lips. Because we may technically be grown-ups, but we have spots and wonky teeth. As a result, we are intimately involved with our hygienist.
We may even spend more money on floss than clothes, and our electric toothbrush cost more than our anti-ageing (hate that phrase) moisturiser.
So brace yourself.
Anxiety
We are in the age of anxiety, aren’t we? Anxiety for midlifers is on the up. Anxiety for millennials is on the up. Prince Harry is anxious. I am anxious. Technology, the 24/7 culture and the high cost of living have collided to mean we are working harder, playing harder, sleeping less than ever before.
And we are all squeezed midults. This is the rush hour of life, where you might have children and parents to care for, you might have a big job or be at a crossroads and trying to work out what to do for the next 50 years of work (which is what it feels like). Somedays, it’s like wading through treacle and even coffee doesn’t help. Plus, there are elections every five minutes. Thank goodness for therapy and themidult.com.
Moths
Moths make us panic. Even talking about them makes us panic. Moths. Moths. Moths. Stop saying moths. Sorry.
The emotional rollercoaster
As I said before, we have not mellowed. Are our hormones are as wild as when we were teenagers? Maybe wilder. It seems these days you can have all the feelings at the same time: *throws remote control out of window* *tries to have sex with plumber* *cries and donates £10 to Syria* *makes self laugh* *makes self cry*
It is all very unrelaxing – for everyone involved.
