You want to cancel on someone (or a group of people) because you don’t want to see them, yet you also feel that brutal honesty is not your thing. What do you do? Simple. Go the other extreme – bullshit to the power of N. Here are the instructions to prepare various Disappointment Sandwiches™ to feed one and all. Just know that everyone can tell you are being completely insincere, but as this technique is all about YOU feeling marginally better about YOURSELF by giving off some positive vibes – that is all that matters!
In all instances, the components of the Disappointment Sandwich™ are the same, but do vary according to personal taste. All disappointment sandwiches will at a minimum have:
– 2 slices of thick cut, Over-The-Top Positive Vibes Bread – toasted and warm
– Many slices of bullshit excuse ham to create confusion and complexity – best used straight from the freezer, hacked apart with a chisel and hammer. Otherwise no further prep necessary.
– A knob of Insincerity Margarine – So Sorry, But Please Believe That This is True™ Brand (recommended), to glue the whole lot together.
– Sprinkling of cute emojis to taste.
And now, to assemble some Disappointment Sandwiches™!
Say you don’t actually want to attend your secondary school’s 15th Anniversary gathering- something that you were ultimately pestered into by your only remaining friend in the cohort, who needs you there because, while he does not dislike everyone as much as you do, would rather have a trusted face to escape to when needed. But at the 11th hour, you start to feel the growing insecurity of not being as successful as everyone else… so you’ve decided to TUA!
Prepare the “Paiseh, something has come up in the family“ filling! Slap it between two slices of casual, “How’s it going?” bread and your Disappointment Sandwich™ on WhatsApp should taste like:
The “Paiseh, something has come up in the family“ Disappointment Sandwich
“Hey, How’s the family bro? I saw that you all went on holiday two months ago on IG? Bali? Your family looks great! Your daughters really take after your wife. They look super adorable!
Eh, paiseh, but I have to cat-sit my sister’s 🐈 this weekend as she’s out of town and the authorities have busted the pet hostel business she usually goes to, and to add to that, her usual cat sitter is down with his regular herpes flare-up💊. So I can’t make it later man!
You have a good one at the reunion okay? I’m sure it will be epic 🕺 like old times, you were always the life of the party! Say hi to the guys for me!”
OR, say you are invited to, but truly don’t want to attend the birthday dinner of this ex-colleague who you secretly don’t like because of something she said to you drunk in 2009. It was a long time ago, but for you, time heals no wounds… You’re not spending a cent on that bitch!
Serve them the “I double booked myself“ Disappointment Sandwich™! Cold cuts of “You are not my priority” served between warm, feel-good compliment buns. Here’s what it should taste like on chat:
The “I double booked myself” Disappointment Sandwich
“Hey babe, how have you been! Just saw your posts on FB, I really love your manicure, where did you get it done? You really rock those colours! 🌈
Anyway, I kinda have bad news… I can’t make it to your birthday dinner because I have this friend who is coming in from out of town and I forgot that I promised her ages ago that we would meet up that day. And I can’t cancel because she’s the sensitive type… A little depressive and has major insecurities about people not showing up for her, you know, abandonment issues… 😢 Aiyah, it’s just such a long story. Tell you next time.
So sorry! I’ll be toasting you from afar🥂. You’re gonna have such a grand birthday, so bummed I’m gonna miss it but you absolutely deserve to have the best day ever! See you soon! Send me pics to make me FOMO! xx”
Remember, in preparing your disappointment sandwich filling, the point is to communicate that everything has spun beyond your control because of multiple issues- show any cracks of simplicity and the integrity of your sandwich will fall apart fast under the probing of your excuses. You really want to avoid any further exchanges with your friend(s) if possible. So keep the ludicrousness of your “tua” flavoured filling “Gao”.
Also slice your pillowy soft Positive Vibes Bread as thick as you can – 1.5 inches or more is recommended – for two reasons: Firstly, It needs to be comforting enough to over-compensate for the un-swallowable taste of your excuses, and secondly, the more tall and impossible the sandwich is to bite into, the less they would know where to start picking it apart. (Bali? Cat-sitter? Herpes?)
And, think about it, the jialatness of your unbelievable excuses will provide conversation fodder for your friends at the event you’re bailing on, and frankly that’s a massive favour to them, as a common enemy (yes, you) will add more personality to their conversation, rather than talking about career, children or COE prices.
Just be prepared to be excluded from everything in the future. Don’t serve this sandwich if you actually suffer FOMO. It does not work that way.
Have any other good Disappointment Sandwich™ recipes to share? E-mail them to us at firstname.lastname@example.org!