These “misfortune cookies” aren’t inspiring, but they’re pretty funny

If you’ve ever opened a fortune cookie to find something either incredibly cheesy or incredibly irrelevant and just rolled your eyes, these new “misfortune cookies” produced by German company Pechkeks are for you.

The updated cookies are black (like your soul) and feature disappointing outlooks for your future endeavors. The product description on Amazon reads, “These cookies may be deliciously crunchy, but they’re also tough to swallow — because you can be sure that they won’t predict eternal love or unimaginable wealth. Quite the opposite. They can be really nasty, brutally honest, truthful and direct, crude or pessimistic.” That sounds about right.

That descriptor doesn’t lie. Some sample fortunes read, “When you think it can’t get any worse, wait a moment and it will.” “Life is a symphony – and you’re playing the kazoo.” “At least I believe in you. Me, a piece of paper.” “Things will get better. Sometimes. Maybe.”

And possibly the most realistic fortune, “All your wishes will come true. Just not in this life.”

The cookies have been making people in Europe and Australia wary of the future since 2013 and soon they’ll be coming to stores in the U.S. and Canada. You can also buy them off Amazon, but they’re currently sold out. The company told Confectionary News that the cookies are for those who “start talking about skin cancer as soon as the first ray of spring sunshine peeks through the black clouds.”

And don’t worry, they still taste like your normal fortune cookies, even though they’ve been carbon-dyed. The company only sources local ingredients, and restocks every two months so the cookies stay fresh. There are also more than 1,000 different options. We can’t wait to find out which misfortune awaits us after our lo-mein.