How Millennial Dating Styles Differ from Baby Boomers'

Dating: mankind’s favorite form of self-inflicted emotional devastation, all under the guise of finding “the one.” Dating has changed quite a bit since the term was coined at the turn of the 20th century, and what better way to celebrate the passing of another decade than to examine just how much dating differs between two vastly different generations: Baby Boomers and Millennials.

For the boomer generation, breakups have traditionally been a fairly official matter—falling just short of a legal documentation of the event. Conversely, for the younger millennial generation, the breakup paradigm has shifted into something much cloudier. “Ghosting,” as it has come to be known, is the practice of ceasing communication with a partner without any clear warning or reasoning being given and continuing to ignore any of their further attempts to reach out. This form of emotional stonewalling leads to the party on the receiving end left feeling spurned, ostracized, and ultimately dejected. As somebody having the privilege to have a taste of this unique form of emotional devastation, it's both perplexing and infuriating. Though there’s been no official numeric evidence on the increasing frequency of ghosting, it's more oft being looked at as symptomatic of the increasing role social media plays in our relationships and it's offered accessibility to others.

Needless to say, social media has a substantial impact on not only upon the way we live our own lives, but how our lives intersect with others. Being that social media is predominantly utilized by millennials, it’s become a new territory to traverse in dating, with its own rules and idiosyncrasies, which most in the boomer generation haven’t encountered. Social media affects not only how our own relationships are constructed, but how they’re presented to those around us. A seemingly tacit scorecard has been set in place, counting posts, comments, and likes within our own romantic relationships in exchange for classical forms of affection.

Piggybacking off the growth of social media, dating apps have become staples in millennial dating. Whereas boomers had to meet people organically, a cornucopia of potential matches and failed first dates exist at our fingertips today, thanks to dating apps like Tinder and Bumble. While this provides broad access to new and exciting people, it's a double-edged sword—dating apps becoming the status quo in modern romance has introduced a culture that largely bases validation and selection on a brief description and a few highly curated photos. While these apps might bring small blips of excitement each time we swipe to a potential new match, they also introduce a dangerous moral quagmire that forces us to confront whether or not we want love that’s more than skin deep.

Following a breakup with an ex, it seems memories of your significant other can loom over you like something of a spectre through social media. The interconnectivity of our world today isn’t without its pitfalls, such as the constant reminder that our past flings are happy without our company. Without social media looming over them, perhaps baby boomers had a better chance of a clean break in an era before a photo of a past love would send you spiraling—though they still ran the risk of running into an ex around town.

Throughout the greater part of the 20th century, a civic schematic was set in place that called for couples to follow an archetypal pattern: marriage, purchasing a home, then the beginnings of a family. Much to the dismay of many boomers, the pattern would later include divorce, with a large percentage of married couples from that generation splitting up down the line. It should come as no small surprise that many millennials are forgoing marriage entirely after witnessing the ramifications marriage had for their parents' generation. A recent Urban Institute study showed that for the millennial generation, marriage rates could drop as low as 70%, an incredibly sharp decrease from the 91% marriage rate of the baby boomer generation.

The conjugal familial unit was, and in many ways still is, an American social staple. The nuclear family offers stability, normalcy, and community for many. Although, since divorce rates began to see an incremental climb in the late 80s, the conventional familial unit began to see a shift. New forms of families, like divorced couples and single-parent households, became more prevalent, creating a new normal. Alongside this, a Pew Research study shows that almost a quarter of millennials do not foresee themselves marrying, meaning this movement away from a typical family unit is only going to continue.

Unconventional relationships like polyamory and open relationships have crept from the shadows of social exile and become more socially accepted forms of romantic relationships. A 2015 study in the Journal of Sex research saw a rise in the trend, with one in five Americans surveyed copping to engaging in some form of a non-monogamous relationships at one point or another—a far cry from the monogamous predominate that preceded it.

Whereas baby boomers had to rely on the archaic landline telephone, modern technology has moved us into an era where a phone call is almost a thing of the past, and texting has taken precedent. Where as baby boomer couples were more than happy to spend long periods of time on the phone together (or had to endure period with little to no contact at all) many millennials screen a phone call only to send a confused text asking what the emergency is. Though long conversations spent twirling a rotary phone’s cord have dwindled away, endless text threads have taken their place.

Despite what movie portrayals might tell us, ceremoniously bestowing your fraternity pin on the lady in your life wasn't a reality for most baby boomer couples making their relationship official. However, the decision to "go steady" was certainly more direct back then compared to how it is for millennials today. Young couples tend to enter an extended phase of "talking" to someone they're interested in, holding their interest without true commitment as they ponder taking the leap from platonic to romantic. It leaves millennials in a sort of precarious state—although you may be exclusive, identifying your significant other by terminology such as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" might send them running.

In a continued effort to flee from any sort of commitment, utilization of the word “date” in the millennial generation could make you into something of a pariah in the dating pool. For baby boomers, the concept of a date was much more clear-cut and forthright, where as the younger generation instead favors thinly veiled platonic “hangouts” to avoid coming on too strong.

Gender roles have certainly seen some major shifts since the baby boomer generation. Were as in the 1950s, women were typically relegated to roles of domesticity; millennials in large part find those notions to be archaic and outdated. However, traditional gender roles often still hold strong when it comes to dating. “Women have made larger strides toward equality in public life, education and employment than they have in private life, relationships and family,” says sociology professor Elizabeth McClintock. “Our understandings of what is romantic are gendered, and sexual scripts are gendered.” Today's norms around who should make the first move and who should pay the bill on a dinner date may still reflect older ideas, but young couples today are learning to question those ingrained behaviors.

"Gaslighting" is a term used to describe the emotional manipulation of one romantic partner to another, typically coercing the victim into believing they're at fault or mentally unstable for being upset by the manipulator's decidedly terrible behavior. Though gaslighting is nothing new and it's been the preferred language of emotional abuse since well before both baby boomers and millennials. Thanks to Theodore Dorpat, we now have a catchy term to tack onto this cycle of abominable behavior, making it easier to communicate methods for overcoming it.