How Meghan’s Essay on Miscarriage Is Challenging the Stigma Around Baby Loss
For a member of the British royal family, famous for its “carrying on,” publicly sharing details of one’s personal matters is almost unheard of. But for Duchess Meghan, there was an important reason why she chose to write about the heartbreaking experience of losing her second child: to help give a voice to an issue that is far too often treated as unspeakable.
Opening up in a New York Times essay titled “The Losses We Share,” the Duchess of Sussex detailed the painful experience of suffering a miscarriage earlier this year. “I knew, as I clutched my firstborn child, that I was losing my second,” she wrote in the November 25 piece, describing the “unbearable grief” both she and husband Prince Harry experienced.
Her nearly 1,085 words were a brave attempt in breaking the culture of silence that has long loomed over a difficult subject that all too often leaves women and couples feeling isolated and helpless as they search for much-needed support.
And while unhealthy societal norms have made the topic too uncomfortable for many to broach (despite the number of miscarriages outnumbering live births around the world), the outpouring of support on social media that immediately followed was proof that many are eager to finally remove the stigma that has historically traumatized and shamed so many. “The conversation remains taboo, riddled with (unwarranted) shame, and perpetuating a cycle of solitary mourning,” Meghan wrote.
Sophie King, a specialist midwife at Tommy’s, one of the world’s largest charities funding research into miscarriage, stillbirth, and premature birth, tells BAZAAR.com that the impact of Meghan’s editorial is already being felt by many. “Meghan’s essay praises the bravery of parents who share their stories, and those who prefer to grieve privately can still find comfort and connection in reading about others’ experiences,” says King. “Her honesty and openness has sent a powerful message to anyone who loses a baby: This may feel incredibly lonely, but you are not alone. Friends and family, doctors and midwives, all of us at support organizations like Tommy’s—we’re here.”
Baby loss at any stage of a pregnancy is one of the most heartbreaking things a family, couple, or individual can experience, but as Meghan, 39, wrote, while it may be experienced by many, only few actually talk about it.
Statistics shared by Tommy’s during October’s Baby Loss Awareness Week revealed that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage and around 11 in 1,000 pregnancies are ectopic, meaning the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus and cannot fully develop, posing a health risk for the mother. In the United Kingdom, 1 in 100 women will experience recurrent miscarriages of three or more in a row. These numbers are even higher when focusing only on Black women, who studies have shown face even greater risks during pregnancy due to a number of factors such as diabetes, high blood pressure, low socioeconomic status (often as a product of systemic racism), and major inequality in health care.
“It’s very generous of the duchess to share her story publicly,” says Ruth Bender Atik, national director of the Miscarriage Association, a charity that offers support to people who have lost a baby. “She’s right when she says that speaking one’s truth gives license for others to do the same. But even if her speaking out doesn’t encourage everyone to share their stories, her words will help validate their feelings of loss and grief, and help them feel so much less alone.”
Atik continues, “It’s a horribly common experience, yet it’s also one that people aren’t very comfortable talking about. Perhaps that’s because we’re generally not good at talking about death or loss or grief, and here, the loss is of a life not yet lived, a loss unseen. All of that can leave women and their partners feeling very much alone when it happens to them, perhaps wondering if their feelings of shock, loss, and grief are somehow abnormal.”
Despite advances in science and medicine, parents who suffer from miscarriage or stillbirth are often given little explanation by doctors—with reasons such as “nature’s way” and bad luck often still being cited in hospital rooms. It’s why charities like Tommy’s are working to solve the lack of research and information around pregnancy issues in the U.K. and, ultimately, around the world.
Meghan is one of several high-profile women who have bravely spoken about the grief of losing a baby recently. For instance, in October, Chrissy Teigen, 34, shared heartbreaking photos from her hospital suite alongside an article about her experience on Medium, and Meghan McCain, 36, shared a harrowing account of her miscarriage in July last year.
In the royal family, Zara Tindall, the queen’s granddaughter, spoke about her difficulties after suffering a miscarriage in 2018 and in 2016. “[It] was a time when my family came to the fore and I needed them. … You don’t talk about it because it’s too raw. But as with everything, time’s a great healer,” the 39-year-old royal told the Times of London.
Members of the royal family, who BAZAAR understands Harry shared the news with earlier this year, have not publicly addressed the loss since Meghan’s essay was published, but a senior Buckingham Palace official says, “There is understandable sadness in the family.” (Kensington Palace, the household of Prince William and Duchess Kate, declined to comment.)
“It’s still a real taboo in society,“ continues Sophie King. “So mothers like Meghan sharing their stories is a vital step in breaking down that stigma and shame.”
Adds Clea Harmer, the chief executive of stillbirth and neonatal death charity Sands, “It helps enormously when someone in the public eye speaks out, as it lets everyone affected know they are not alone.”
With the unprecedented challenges of 2020—including the coronavirus pandemic, the necessary resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement, and one of the most polarizing election years in U.S. history—demand for support from organizations such as Sands and mental health charities has increased dramatically, especially with so many individuals facing extended periods of isolation.
It’s why, wrote Meghan, conversations beginning with “Are you OK?” are more important than ever. “This Thanksgiving, as we plan for a holiday unlike any before—many of us separated from our loved ones, alone, sick, scared, divided and perhaps struggling to find something, anything, to be grateful for—let us commit to asking others, ‘Are you OK?’ As much as we may disagree, as physically distanced as we may be, the truth is that we are more connected than ever because of all we have individually and collectively endured this year.”
It is just over a year since the duchess famously answered the same question during a documentary on the Sussexes’ tour of South Africa. Her candid and tearful response to journalist Tom Bradby as a new mother juggling back-to-back royal engagements and breastfeeding (“Not many people have asked if I’m okay”) was a statement that she was not willing to suffer in silence and a sentence that mother’s everywhere could connect with.
Now, one year on, she is reclaiming that same question asked to her as a call for empathy during a time when the world needs it the most.
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