My husband thinks oral sex – for me – is unnecessary. How do I convince him otherwise?

My husband and I have been married for two years. We have a relatively healthy sex life but he does not reciprocate with oral sex. When confronted, he said he has no issue surrounding it, he just feels it is not necessary. I feel rejected and that the focus is primarily on him reaching an orgasm, with no focus on my enjoyment. How can I have a conversation with him without him getting defensive? I have never had an orgasm through penetrative sex and, in previous relationships, I have loved receiving oral sex.

Your husband needs to be educated regarding your precise needs and the nature of female arousal and orgasm in general. It seems as if you have been extremely patient and accommodating until now, so it is probably no wonder he sees no reason to change his style. And he may be afraid he will not know exactly what to do, so you will have to help him by being very specific about what feels good. Try to frame your request for oral pleasuring in a highly seductive, playful manner – so that he realises he will be rewarded for his efforts. Once he learns that your arousal is a great turn on for him, he will be more motivated to complete the task.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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