bar trivia is great if you want to socialize while also actively taking a test
— chase (@_chase_____) August 24, 2023
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 21, 2023
situationship? you mean my one-year stand?
— trash jones (@jzux) August 20, 2023
“Why does he start bothering that family??” — something my bf just asked me about Peter Pan
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 24, 2023
some big dude covered in tattoos smoking a cigar infront of my apartment “hey idk if anyone has ever told you but…. you are phenomenal at parallel parking — I’ve seen you a few times like ‘she ain’t gonna make it’ and then you do, incredible”
— alex (@miaowlex) August 20, 2023
Just think how many centuries pumpkins waited patiently in the patch to be discovered by Starbucks. Never let go of your dreams.
— Beth Moore (@BethMooreLPM) August 24, 2023
when we saw barbie my bf was chuckling along during the bit where the barbies are distracting the kens w/ Men Things until it got to the barbie who was like “i just keep all my money in a savings account...” & then he turned to look at me with horror in his eyes
— bk (@uncooljerk) August 19, 2023
The fruits of summer are a wondrous thing. Eat an overripe nectarine over the kitchen sink while imagining it’s the heart of your worst enemy.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 22, 2023
i like how the stakes get lower and lower as the American Girl dolls move through history. It’s like “THIS doll from 1933 is struggling to navigate The Great Depression and corruption of the press” and then it’s like “THIS doll from 1999 really misses Kurt Cobain.”
— lea chin-sang (@bigfatmoosepssy) August 24, 2023
Restaurants, at 10 AM: We don’t serve lunch yet.
School cafeterias, at 10 AM: Get your chicken parmesan while it’s still hot.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 23, 2023
i just watched high school musical for the first time in like 12 years and realized they didn’t even do a musical. in high school musical they didn’t even have the musical. all of the movie was leading up to their second round of AUDITIONS at the CALLBACK
— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) August 24, 2023
if a man says anything along the lines of “i don’t deserve you” he ain’t lying baby pack ur bags up NOW. i’m coming to pick you up
— sarah lugor! (@sarahlugor) August 21, 2023
[explaining the summer i turned pretty] so one brother is abercrombie and the other brother is hollister
— confidence activist isidor rabi (@ali_sivi) August 20, 2023
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) August 21, 2023
Couldn’t sleep last night thinking about how Full House is a lighthearted comedy about a mom who dies less than a year after having a baby, leaving two other children behind, and the show is just like “and THEN all the KOOKY UNCLES MOVED IN!! 🤪”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 21, 2023
I picked up this book at an estate sale (bc I’m always on the lookout for white elephant gifts) and I need you all to see the letter that fell out of this book which has CLEARLY never been opened once and is fully unread pic.twitter.com/6LoWceBx31
— c a i t l i n (@hello__caitlin) August 19, 2023
Well, someone’s a partner in something because that’s a $34,000 stove. https://t.co/sdI1VJlO9D
— Emily Zanotti 🦝 (@emzanotti) August 21, 2023
“i can’t wait to see the mugshot” - me every 27 seconds
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) August 24, 2023
The video of that baby scrolling on the phone officially lives rent-free in my head now. I can't stop imagining what the baby was doing. What if the baby was on Amazon. What if the baby orders an Uber
— Kat Tenbarge (@kattenbarge) August 22, 2023
I know I am turning into my mother because I walk around the city muttering stuff like “nice stop, buddy,” and “nice turn signal” under my breath (occasionally punctuated by yelling “PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY” when cars won’t yield to me in a crosswalk) https://t.co/6M4xg4gTgk
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) August 22, 2023
My friend just referred to the over-emphasized voice people use to read poems as “spoken Garamond” and I—
— Frances Klein (@fklein907) August 24, 2023
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
— emily (@emilykmay) August 24, 2023
For hurricane prep, I went to the store and bought four bags of potato chips and am currently sitting outside in the parking lot having a taste test between the flavors. I think I’m ready?
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) August 19, 2023
I don’t do crowdwork anymore. The last time I did it, I told a man he was bold for coming to my show with his mom. He said she was his girlfriend. I congratulated her on having a younger boyfriend. They were the same age.
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) August 19, 2023
"A single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops, with gentle hands and the heart of a fighter" but it's her: pic.twitter.com/4et5BqB0gz
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) August 23, 2023
my mom: do you know that you kinda look like an alien?
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) August 20, 2023
Me, googling a minor ailment during the day: Knee pain
Me, googling a minor ailment at night: Knee cancer
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 20, 2023
“do one thing every day that scares you” yeah why do you think i’m going to work
— trash jones (@jzux) August 24, 2023