New mums not only go through a rollercoaster ride of physiological and emotional changes, but also feeling burdened by new responsibilities. And the situation only gets worse when you do not have a helping hand, especially in your husband– who promised sharing parenting responsibilities.
A similar concern was shared publicly by a new mum who said that since the birth of her son, her “entire life has turned over to motherhood.”
Plus, her husband hardly shows any interest or effort in taking care of their son who is almost two years now. This has not only left her disturbed. And she feels that it will affect her son.
Husband Refuses Sharing Parenting Responsibilities
The new Stay at Home Mum (SAHM) shared, “I have no friends anymore, never do anything that doesn’t involve taking care of the house, I never go out unless it’s a family dinner. My husband, however, has not changed. He gets to do whatever he wants and is hardly ever home. He’s always doing something with his friends, going out drinking, whatever he wants. He’s been getting pissy about not making any parenting decisions but in my eyes, he’s hardly a parent. “
She further added, “He sees him maybe a couple of hours a day. When he gets home from work, he takes a nap, wakes up only when he has to leave or wants to play a video game. He says that in order for him to see our son he has to sacrifice sleep, and miss out on things he enjoys. Like I’m sorry but isn’t that part of being a parent? He never gets up with him in the middle of the night, never has in his life.
But he always says, she adds, “Well you wanted to be a stay at home mom.” Like you wanted me to as well? And since when does SAHM mean I have to do EVERYTHING? I never get any help around the house, no help with our son, yet I’m the problem if I complain? I’m so tired of crying every single night because I feel so alone.”
The mum mentioned that she feels so helpless that she wants to leave, but has no family close by.
“I also feel so guilty about tearing up my son’s life and everything he’s ever known. Feel like there’s so much I left out here but I’m just so upset and have nowhere else to go. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to ask my husband to be a parent to our son because it might mess with his plans,” she said.
Yes, no doubt her husband makes the money, but is the role of a father or a husband only limited to that? Several users empathised with the woman and helped her with suggestions to overcome the situation.
Netizens Shocked At Husband’s Behaviour, Share Practical Advice
1. Try couples counselling
One mum (user) Grouche_Cantaloupe wrote, “I’m a SAHM and I say this is bullshit. Being a SAHP, in my view, means that I do all the parenting during the hours my spouse is working. When he’s off work, all parenting is shared. I’m sorry your husband is being a dick. Time for some couples counselling. Insist on it.”
2. Go back to work
Another mum (user) delimadeluxe suggested, “I am sorry for being so direct but get the hell out of there. You deserve much better. Bring your kid and stay with relatives, find a way to get your child to daycare while you get back to work, study, whatever. It’s time for you to get out of this. He doesn’t want to miss out on the fun stuff so he doesn’t take care of his child?!? Naaaaah this is too much. Good luck with everything!!”
3. Hire a nanny
Another mum had yet another useful Tip. User and mum kuchinghoki suggested, “Since your husband doesn’t want to help. How about hiring a nanny even for a few hours a week or daycare (part-time).. so you can have some time to breathe. He has to pay for it obviously! Or even a housekeeper a few hours a week will help a lot! Your kid will grow bigger and it will be easier.”
4. Consult a divorce lawyer
Yet another mum (user) boysmama0808 said, “Consult a divorce lawyer. Do you have any money of your own, so he doesn’t see the charge? Can family loan you money in the meantime? You need to know the laws and your rights for the state you live in. If you decide to pursue this route, be sure to bring in a list of frequently asked questions written down as this will be very overwhelming. I am sure you can look up recommendations for the state you live in via google or even Facebook recommendations if you wanted to create a fake account for the sake of privacy. Your child can probably sense your resentment and unhappiness. You will be probably happier without him in my opinion.”
5. Communicate with each other
Another mum (user) Blackgreggles suggested, “You guys probably both need to communicate what your expectations are. You probably should make weekly plans to get out of the house and let him and the kid hang or done whatever. I’d also bet you and your husband haven’t spent any time kid-free. I know we’re in the middle of a pandemic BUT do you have anyone who can watch the kid for a little bit? Maybe just spend some time together.”
We empathise with this mum and all the other new mums who may be going through this. After all, its 2021! Your partner can’t expect you to shoulder the responsibilities of your child alone. The world is moving towards equal parenting, which is not only essential for the growth of your kid, but also for your marriage.
However, equal parenting is not about sharing baby-care responsibilities only; it includes housework, breadwinning, and some me-time as well. If you are struggling to make your husband get involved in house chores or taking care of the baby, worry not, we have your back.
Here are 5 tips that you can use to make your husband share the load before it becomes a burden on your shoulders.
Sharing Parenting Responsibilities: 5 Tips To Encourage Husbands To Help
1. Express yourself
The most important thing in any relationship is communication. While you may think, “Why do I need to tell my husband to help me, can’t he see how burdened I am already?” The answer this, yes, you will have to tell your husband. Sit down over a cup of coffee and share with him the issues that are troubling you. Tell him why you feel that he needs to pitch in the home chores.
Make him understand that it is taking a toll on your health. If you are a SAHM and your husband feels that taking care of the house and the baby is only your duty, make him understand why this thinking is burdensome on your relationship.
2. Just don’t do it
Let your husband complete some household chores, don’t do them on his behalf. | Image courtesy: iStock
If your husband is supposed to complete a household chore that he forgot, stop doing it for him unless there is a genuine reason. This will give him the excuse and make him think that he can get away without doing it in the future, too. Slowly, but surely, he will learn to adjust his schedule and make way for housework.
3. Divide your work
You need to divide your work, considering both of you are working parents. If work flexibility is easier for you, then you should can coordinate with the daycare and pick up and drop off your child. You could also divide days to become the person in charge of handling any middle-of-the-day doctor or dental appointments.
On the other hand, if your husband has a less flexible work schedule, he needs to take care of the child, once he is back from work. Like helping him or her with the homework or doing activities together during the weekend.
4. Make him realise his priorities
When you become parents, priorities change. For instance, your child is sick and you are at home attending to the ailing child and your husband calls you to inform that he is going out with his friends for drinks after work. How would you react? In this scenario, you need to tell your husband that he can meet his friends some other day, but today he needs to give priority to his family.
Sometimes, it’s a good idea to revisit your priorities as a couple and discuss what is still important to you.
5. Have confidence in him and avoid nagging
You need to have more confidence in your husband and allow him to learn to successfully complete his household tasks. You don’t need to be critical all the time. Most women can get very OCD and from getting the right groceries, bathing the baby, soothing him or her to sleep, handling laundry, you may be worrying unnecessarily. So take a step back and allow him to thrive being a domestic god!
During this corona-hit time, most families are staying indoors. They are not just working from home, but also working for the home. And so it calls for a greater need for sharing parenting responsibilities.