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What does your work from home desk say about you?

Next up on Marie Kondo's TV show: Prince Charles
Next up on Marie Kondo's TV show: Prince Charles
Coronavirus Charity Appeal - compact puff to donate page - article embed
Coronavirus Charity Appeal - compact puff to donate page - article embed

Imagine the scene: you’re working from home and realise the sun is making you a little warm. You remove your socks. Is it acceptable to put them on your desk and leave them there, possibly for some days?

Personally, I think so. A cursory glance at my lockdown work desk confirms it's a one-stop dumping ground for just about everything, from used plates to garments that technically belong in my wardrobe. But so long as I can see my emails and do my work, what does it matter?

If your gag reflex has just been activated, or you're howling the word "noooooo", you probably won’t like the recent pictures of Prince Charles at work at Birkhall, his home on the Balmoral estate. During a video interview with Alan Titchmarsh for Classic FM, we got a glimpse of his desk – or more correctly, the papers strewn across it, and the cup of tea that's just itching to be spilled over them.

I say cosy, you say horror show. Same difference. So what does your home set up say about you?

 

Messy desk

Prince Charles is among good company in having a messy desk. There’s me, for a start, as well as Einstein, Mark Twain and Al Gore.

In my house, a flat surface just begs to have a random bag of screws put on it and forgotten about. If you have a tidy desk, please do tell me: where do you keep your bags of screws? And what about your train tickets from 2013, and yellowing magazines you might one day get round to reading?

For some reason, this level of kipple feels welcoming to me. I don’t like to boast, but there’s even science to back me up: a 2013 study shows how a messy desk promotes creativity.

 

The minimalist desk

One Telegraph editor's monkish desk - Jonny Cooper
One Telegraph editor's monkish desk - Jonny Cooper

There are just a couple of things on this desk, maybe a laptop and a notebook. If you have a cup of coffee, it’s black. You wear the same clothes every day to minimise decision fatigue after hearing that Obama did it. You like to learn about the morning routines of CEOs and read books about how to maximise your output.

Sound like you? You’re a neat freak desker. At the start of lockdown, these people spent hours setting up their perfect desks, dithering over the position of a coaster and making sure their mousemat is ergonomic. My boyfriend is so proud of his final creation (monitor, keyboard, notebook), that he calls it his “rig”. I cringe as I type.

These neat freaks look smugly at messy desks and think about how suboptimal they are. Steve Jobs would not have tolerated this mess, they think, never having seen a picture of his unkempt desk.

Cluttered desk, cluttered mind, as the saying goes. But as various wags have quipped: of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

 

Instagrammer desk

Helen Chandler-Wilde - Helen Chandler-Wilde
Helen Chandler-Wilde - Helen Chandler-Wilde

My theory is that these people started off as neat freaks, but realised that a laptop against a white wall isn’t all that photographic. So they added a Jo Malone candle, a crystal and a cheese plant. On the wall they stuck up a postcard which says “She believed she could, so she did”. There’s a leftover birthday card which says “Let the weekend be-gin!” It wasn’t funny the first time, but at least it can be used for a punny caption on Instagram.

 

Fitness desk

This cannot be a comfortable way to work - Chad Springer/Image Source
This cannot be a comfortable way to work - Chad Springer/Image Source

These come in various shapes and sizes: the standing desk, the Swiss-ball-instead-of-a-chair, the treadmill desk. If you have one, you fall into one of two groups: either you’re literally a child who is restless doing homeschooling, or you’re so invested in the shape of your glutes that you can’t risk sitting down lest they melt off.

The second group are likely to cause tension in the home, sniffing at family members who are seated at normal desks. “Sitting is the new smoking, don’t you know”, they say. In the evenings they shun the sofa and squat down to watch the television, like someone caught short on a country walk.

 

Ironing board desk

You wanted a standing desk but you’re not going to pay a couple of hundred quid for it like the fitness obsessives. So you get out the ironing board, which sort of does the trick for a while.

I’m a genius, you think, sending a picture of it to six different WhatsApp group chats.

 

Sofa desk

The sofa desk: a pain in the back - Westend61
The sofa desk: a pain in the back - Westend61

“Working from home is such a treat”, you thought at the start of lockdown. “Pyjamas all day, sitting on the sofa, farting without shame!” And so you settled in on the sofa with a large cup of tea and felt content.

Since then, you've ignored the growing back ache and general sense of ick and paid no attention to those articles about maintaining productivity while you work from home. You probably play video games in your lunch hour and have a system with two sets of pyjamas: one for sleeping and the other for changing into when you wake up. If you’ve showered today, it will have been at some odd time like 2pm.

It’s sort of sweet, really, like a child enjoying a day without parents. Very Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Awww.

 

Outdoor desk

I'm sorry, but working in the garden will never truly feel like being on holiday -  Gary Yeowell
I'm sorry, but working in the garden will never truly feel like being on holiday - Gary Yeowell

At first, this seemed like a great idea. If you sit in the garden or park, working won’t feel so bad at all. It’s basically a holiday.

In fact, everything is a lot more work. The WiFi signal is so terrible that it takes 10 minutes to load an email. It’s so sunny you can’t see the screen. Your boss is annoyed when you wear sunglasses on a video call as it doesn’t look like you’re taking things very seriously.

In the afternoon it gets hot and you start to doze off. The holiday mood takes hold and you make a G&T at 3pm. The day is a total write-off and you realise the only way to make it work is on a cloudy day, when you’d rather be inside anyway.