Give It All to Cousin Greg
He’s more than a sprinkle, damnit. On the family yacht in Succession’s Season Two finale, the Roy family and Waystar executive team gather around to debate who should take the fall for the sexual misconduct scandal plaguing the company. Roman suggests, “Tom with some Greg sprinkles.” And what, exactly, are Greg sprinkles? “A fantastic garnish to basically anyone seated at this table,” Roman explains. “Like a Tom sundae with a little Greg cherry on top.”
“I’m more than a sprinkle,” Greg asserts. He's right.
As the HBO hit comes to a close this Sunday, the central question remains: who will succeed Logan Roy? Despite Shiv’s double-agenting to secure the gig, Kendall’s quest for absolute power against his better judgment and the safety of his children, and Roman—well, he’s pretty much squandered the thing for himself now—I don’t see why we don’t just give it all to cousin Greg, the lanky halfwit played by Nicholas Braun. In my eyes, he's the whole-ass sundae. Could he stop his grandfather from getting up there and speaking at the funeral? OK, fine, no. But he was willing to try! Throughout the series, Greg has opened himself up to the possibility of being “shredded like a human string cheese” (Kerry’s words, not mine) for the good of the family business, time and time again.
Hell, Greg was willing to get on the stand in front of the Supreme Court and lie under oath. He's the guy who shredded the incriminating documents! Greg was the one who laid off half of ATN’s staff on one giant Zoom call. He told Kerry—to her face!—that she was not cut out to be a news anchor, in so few words. He pulled Logan Roy aside at his own birthday party to tell him that he’d just had sex in one of the guest bedrooms. (Maybe that one is just dumb, but it exemplifies bravery nonetheless.) The man even attempted to blackmail Shiv with the Matsson information just two episodes ago—and though she didn’t go for it, she probably should have!
Our favorite humanoid Gumby clumsily goes about his wheeling and dealing, bumbling over his words and getting wasabi in people’s eyes, but the actions underlying his nature denote a man who knows what he’s doing. One who has an endgame. And he’s certainly the only family member who would hop on a CitiBike to circumvent traffic. Do you think Roman Roy has the Lyft app on his phone? Greg Hirsch is a man of the people.
Let us not forget that Greg’s name was also on the piece of paper found in Logan’s safe. Though he was “an addendum, of miscellaneous matters, in pencil, with a question mark,” he was there, nonetheless. Logan Roy doesn’t write things down on important sheets of paper by accident.
Just imagine it. All 79 inches of him limbering around the top floor of the Waystar Royco's office. The employees might even mistake him for Alexander Skarsgård from behind, anyway! What difference does it make which tall white man takes over? Plus, Greg would never send vials of his blood to any of them. It would be a win for Waystar’s HR department, at the very least.
So I say we let Greg ride off into the sunset with his crunchy peanut butter party date, who will acquire the means to buy all the ludicrously capacious bags her heart desires, should Greg ascend to CEO. Or better yet, she might acquire a taste for quiet luxury. Ditch the logos. All will be revealed on Sunday. Or in the words of cousin Greg, who has come a long way since puking out of a mascot’s eyeballs in the Parks department: "If it is to be said, so it is."
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