Have you ever gone through a breakup? Or rather, have you ever gone through a breakup where soon after you and your boyfriend go your separate ways, you find out that your ex is engaged to a new woman? Oh, and you're all famous?
This, right here, is the story of Cazzie David: actress, comedian, daughter of Larry David, and ex-girlfriend of Pete Davidson, who, AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, is now engaged to international pop superstar Ariana Grande. Pete confirmed his and Cazzie's breakup on May 16. News broke of Pete and Ariana's engagement on June 11. You do the math.
Now, to be upfront, I love Ariana and Pete's love. They're adorable and romantically reckless and a wonderful light in this trash fire world. But if we're being real, Cazzie is also a hero of this Hollywood tale. Ever since the two started dating, her Instagram has been my life blood. My relationship guru. My personal Greek goddess descended from above to teach me how to thrive. She's has embraced the ever essential Power Move, which can manifest itself in a number of ways. For any normal person, an Instagram Power Move might be commenting on someone's photo but not liking it. A Power Move could be posting an extremely sexy Instagram Story when you know your crush is online. A Cazzie Power Move? Something nonchalant while still incredibly hot with an air of "I'm just here living my life." Still don't know what I mean? See below for a quick but thorough look into the wonder that is Cazzie David's Insta Feed:
The Africa Trip
While Pete was falling in love with one particular Dangerous Woman, Cazzie was silent for a bit, and then reappeared with this perfect response:
So. Well. Played. Even if TMZ claims her caption was a genuine question, to me this Instagram says, "Look @ me, a beautiful woman who loves to travel and have adventure and wear hats." It says, "I'm aware of this recent engagement, and I can make a cool joke about it without seeming overly involved or upset or confused about their constant need to let us all know they're having great sex." It says, "I can summon the golden light of an African safari for one perfect Instagram, so who needs boyz anyway?" It is, in short, the ultimate breakup power move.
After that, there was this seemingly benign but actually telling gallery of lions and elephants:
"I work for Nat geo now," she wrote, which roughly translates to, "I don't need a man because I have the Animal Kingdom."
The Human Bottle of Wine Incident
She then posed with a large glass of wine, writing, "Came to wine country a person, leaving a human bottle of wine." How true! How relatable! If my famous ex-boyfriend got two tattoos related to his fiancé, whom he's been dating for a total of three seconds, I too would become a human bottle of wine and then take a cute selfie to document it. Or at least, I would now that I've seen Cazzie do it.
The Bike Ride
In the weeks that followed, she rode a bike, potentially taking inspiration from the OG bike lover herself, Selena Gomez (another woman whose ex-boyfriend recently got engaged, Imjustsaying). I mean, look at the way Cazzie's standing up on the bike yet appears to be going downhill. She's a daredevil. She doesn't need you to feel bad for her; she is speeding down the road of life and doesn't even have to button her shorts to do it. What breakup? What engagement? She cannot hear you over the whoosh the wind makes as she pedals her way through a glorious life of singledom.
The Cliff Dive
The crème de la crème of her Instagram game came just this past weekend when Cazzie went on a cliff-diving excursion with her girlfriends and documented it with Polaroids, another clutch move:
She started there, with only the subtlest hint at what was to come-her impending Mona Lisa, if you will. And then came the true masterpiece. The picture that solidified Cazzie's Instagram as a forever place in my heart and soul was this baby:
Red bikini? Check. Hat?! Check. Haribo Peach Gummies? Check, check, check. A picture is worth 1,000 words, but this Instagram says five: I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.
So thank you, Cazzie. I now know exactly what to do In Case of Very Public Breakup. I will get the bike. I will eat the peach gummies. I will buy the red swimsuit. I'll go to Africa, dammit. And I'll Instagram it all. After all, there's no breakup that a few power moves can't fix.
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