Bill Murray Is Making a Strong Case to Be the New Chicago Cubs GM

·2-min read
Bill Murray Is Making a Strong Case to Be the New Chicago Cubs GM

If you haven't heard, nature is beginning to heal. People are outside. Masks are coming off, ever so slowly. Even Lorde is back. Oh. One more sign of our apocalypse reversal: the legend (and noted Chicago Cubs superfan) Bill Murray is out and about, singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" at the Cubs' first full-capacity game since the start of the pandemic.

Even better? Aside from welcoming Chicago's faithful back to Wrigley Field, Bill Murray is back to saying Bill Murray things to local press. And this one's a gem. For some context: the Cubbies are enjoying a solid season so far—tied for first in the NL Central—but are staring down a potentially mighty dent in the ol' wallet. Stars Kris Bryant, Javier Báez and Anthony Rizzo will all be in need of contract extensions soon. The team might not be able to keep all three of them. Thankfully, Murray let NBC Sports Chicago in on his sensible, fiscally-sound solution to the problem.

“This is going to be kind of controversial in these difficult political times. But I’m going to suggest that the children of Chicago begin something like a March of Dimes and contribute individually lemonade money. You can’t expect Tom Ricketts to pay for everything, and they’ve got to be prudent with the way they run their business. If the children of the city could begin giving up their allowance in the name of keeping this Cub team together after we win the championship this year, I think they’d feel really good about it the rest of their lives.”

Listen, I don't know much about current Cubs General Manager Jed Hoyer. I'm sure he's a good guy. (Jed, if you're reading this, turn back now. I'm sorry.) But we'd like to call for the installation of William James Murray as the new GM of the Chicago Cubs, effective immediately. No more acting. No more making polos and pants for golfers. Murray's done with that petty business. Now—fueled by the power of every spare penny from the pockets of every child in the Greater Chicago Area—Murray will resign Rizzo, Báez, and Bryant, and lead the Cubs to roughly fourteen to eighteen straight World Series wins. Seriously. Would any competing GM decline a trade offer from the GOAT?

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If we can't make this GM thing happen, we'd like to suggest a consolation prize. For the next Cubbies game, can we get our man out of the press box—and at the very end of this ginormous beer snake?

Photo credit: Mike Kim
Photo credit: Mike Kim

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