Between The Rock and Vin Diesel is a very hard place
It is never without pleasure that this column turns to the Fast and Furious film franchise, which shits money like there’s no tomorrow and takes itself just as seriously as you would hope. Frankly, it has to, if it wants to continue to make important movies about muscle cars, the families we choose and the families we lose, and what it might feel like to jump from one Dubai skyscraper to another in a Lykan Hypersport.
Not so long ago it was franchise star The Rock letting us into his process, posting a picture of the table in his trailer. “Secret weapon,” the former wrestling legend revealed. “Many productive meetings and big business deals have been sealed with a handshake at my GSD (Get Shit Done) table that’s inside my trailer. This table holds a lot of great mana (spirit/power) and energy. And if these wood slabs could talk … well, it’s best they can’t talk for national security purposes.”
This was too much for his co-star Tyrese Gibson, who shot back at The Rock: “If you move forward with that #Hobbs movie you will have purposely ignored the heart-to-heart moment we had in my sprinter. I don’t wanna hear from you until you remember what we talked about. I’m on your timeline cause you’re not responding to my text messages. #FastFamily is just that a family … We don’t fly solo.”
Alas, it turns out that we do, as The Rock has indeed been spun off into a distant galaxy in the Furiousverse to make Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw. Thus it falls to Fast and Furious big daddy Vin Diesel to make the next move. Diesel – formerly dissed as a “candy-ass” by The Rock – has duly taken to his Instagram with a gym-based video. According to Vin, someone has been sent to him as a Fast co-star by the spirit of the late Fast and Furious star Paul Walker (whom he calls Pablo). “Guys as you know I’m always thinking fast,” he begins. “And thinking about the responsibility. I’m thinking something iconic and deserving of your loyalty. I know this sounds crazy, but every blue moon I feel like Pablo up there sends me someone. Another soldier for the fight for truth.” Wait, are we still talking about the car franchise? Yes. Yes, I think we are. “And today, someone came by … that speaks to what Pablo would have brought me.” And with that, Diesel reveals former wrestling legend – and major Rock rival – John Cena.
Well. Could there BE any more angles? History suggests the answer to that is yes, and we must duly wait for The Rock’s super-chilled passive-aggressive response.
