Asahd Khaled Had a Tiger at His Birthday Party
DJ Khaled's son Asahd, who is worth more than your life, celebrated his birthday this weekend at a bash called Tot Living By Haute Living Celebrates Asahd's First Birthday With Cybex. First of all, I'm not sure why this wasn't called "Another One" but I guess maybe they're saving that for next year? Second of all, that is the most extra name of any event that has ever occurred. Y'all are over here trying to come up with a pun to put on your Facebook invite for happy hour drinks for your 30th and Asahd Khaled is bursting out of the gate with a party title made of the entire alphabet. This is the Infinite Jest of party names. This event title has footnotes and was released in hardback.
Asahd Khaled, a one-year-old with more money in his Roth IRA than you, has had a busy year: he's credited as a producer on his dad's album; he's served as a the promotional face for much of DJ Khaled's content, he's worked with Drake. Oh, and he was born. 2017 is definitely going down as a wild ride for this kid. So, what better way to cap it off than with literally the most incredible party anyone has ever had.
Jay Gatsby could never.
You: I look good in this selfie.
Asahd Khaled: There are hundreds of adults taking my photo every moment of the day.
So much happened at this party. Asahd drove a car, he squealed at a cake with his face on it, he was given a stroller that could fit an adult human.
My Acura looks like straight up trash next to this stroller. Are those wings? Of course they are wings! You think Asahd Khaled rides in anything less than a chariot, peasant?
Normally when it comes to kids' parties I'm a hard pass. I love cake and I love kids but I've found that no one pays attention to me and they have all these complicated rules about the bouncy castle. Who needs it? But I would have given my left arm to get an invite to Asahd's party. I would trade my balcony seat at the People's Choice Awards for this invite. It's that serious.
But the hype and hoopla, the appearance by Diddy, the three-tiered cake all pale in comparison to one special guest at the event. An actual, living white tiger.
Excuse me?! What in the Sher Khan is this? I keep searching that photo for a glass wall between them or a rift in the space-time continuum or something because that is an physical baby tiger next to very rich person Asahd Khaled.
Even the tiger is like, "I don't know about this, fam." Look at its face!
Shewk.
Asahd Khaled has actual predators at his birthday party and is literally nonplussed about it and what are you doing with your life?
The tiger's like "Your level of fame and your toddler work ethic stress me out, Asahd. I gotta take a nap."
No naps for Asahd, though. The world's busiest toddler probably partied til the wee small hours of 6 p.m. and then went back to the studio to work on another hit while the rest of us are out here heating up Lean Cuisine and not being wild animal-adjacent.
Asahd Khaled is the only thing on my vision board. Well, him and an actual tiger and a three-tiered cake. It's a full life.
All hail, Asahd!
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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