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It's Not Sexist to Talk About the Biological Clock

Photo credit: CNN
Photo credit: CNN

From Cosmopolitan

Photo credit: CNN
Photo credit: CNN

When my CNN colleagues and I decided to launch "Badass Women of Washington," a seven-part series of interviews with female power players in D.C., I honestly wasn't sure how much these women would let their guard down. After all, they’re used to doing interviews about policy and politics without necessarily revealing much about themselves.

I certainly didn’t expect to be fighting back tears.

But Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao, one of the most powerful and accomplished women in Washington, in particular blew me away with her candor about the most personal of issues for her and women all over the world - the question of having children.

“We were taught that we can have it all. And so it was thought, Well, you have a career. And then, you would, you know, have your family and, well, there'd be no problem. Well, it doesn't work like that,” the 64-year-old Chao told me, growing emotional. “So I try to counsel young women that they will have to be - regardless as to whether they want it or not, there are tradeoffs and sacrifices in life. And it's important to know when those points occur because it would be a regret if you didn't know you were making that tradeoff and it happened. And there was no chance to go back.”

Then, pushing back tears, this woman who is so family-oriented that she proudly showed me pictures of all of her family members who came to see her sworn in as transportation secretary, told me she did not realize she was making that tradeoff, until it was too late.

My heart ached for her because I had come perilously close to making that same tradeoff.

For lots of reasons, including working crazy hours and having a job that required significant travel, I did not start trying to have a baby until I was in my late 30s. My experience is hardly unique. I am one of countless women who almost waited too long without realizing it. I went through years of unsuccessful fertility treatments, first in my hometown of D.C., then in New York City, where it finally happened - I got pregnant with my son, my miracle boy.

To have or not to have kids, when to have them, and whether we working women can "have it all" has been debated, discussed, and examined since the washing machine and the TV dinner began to free up many mothers to even consider leaving the home as a viable option. And the women's liberation movement encouraged our mothers to believe they could go to college to earn more than their "mrs." degrees. But while this is undeniably a good thing, it also left many women so focused on their work, they missed their window on getting pregnant.

There has been a bit of a stigma associated with discussing this - like it flies in the face of everything our mothers and grandmothers who marched for women's liberation fought for. But our bodies are our bodies. And the younger women are when they realize what that means, the more empowered they can be to make these monumental choices in their lives.

Remarkable technological and medical advances allowed me to be a mom. But it is expensive and not always a viable or effective option. I happen to work for a large company with incredible health benefits that defrayed the cost in a big way - certainly not the case for many women. I also have friends who waited and were not able to get pregnant, even with cutting-edge fertility treatments.

Clearly there are a lot of factors out of our control. A big part of why many women wait is because they want to have a baby as part of a traditional family - with a partner - but they are so focused on their careers that they put dating to the side. But I also have friends who date a lot but can't find The One. And while several friends of mine decided not to wait to find a mate, did it on their own, and have never been happier, I realize this is not a path every woman wants to pursue - or feels able to pursue if she can’t afford to hire help or doesn’t have family living nearby. Same goes for friends who have chosen to adopt with their spouses - they are in love with their beautiful babies, but this option comes with its own challenges, including cost, and is hardly a simple fallback plan.

The lesson here is not to hurry up and have babies. (Some women don’t even want babies and that’s a valid choice too. Some women can’t get pregnant no matter when they start trying.) It’s that talking about fertility and the “biological clock” shouldn’t be so taboo.

I learned so much from Chao and the six other women we profiled in our "Badass Women of Washington" series - from California Sen. Dianne Feinstein to Army Surgeon General Nadja West. They all broke barriers in a man's world and offered great advice about courage and facing defeat for younger women who want to follow in their footsteps.

I also realized that, although Chao absorbed the lesson that you have to build your career before you even consider having children, it doesn’t have to be so linear, especially now. Younger high-powered women who have young children - like RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel and Washington Congresswoman Jaime Herrera Beutler - get a lot of help from a new generation of men who see no shame in supporting their women, the way women traditionally supported their men.

Yet it took that raw, surprising moment from Baby Boomer Elaine Chao about her regrets in not having children to help crystallize how important it is for Gen Xers like me to talk honestly and openly with our Millennial friends and colleagues about the realities of waiting too long to try to have a baby.

I truly believe these conversations are part of modern feminism.

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