We know, most of the villains have already been brutally dispatched by the time season eight of Game Of Thrones starts. Joffrey, Tywin, Ramsay Snow, Roose Bolton, even Littlefinger.
But that doesn’t mean we’re going into the final season without a death-tally score-card. There’s still plenty of baddies (and some goodies, soz) who we want to see get thrown face-first into the deepest pit of the seven hells. Starting with…
1. Cersei / Jaime
Yeah, sorry incest fans, but these two both have to die in season eight, for very different reasons. Cersei, because it’s been prophesied (she’s going to get killed either by a younger, more attractive woman – oh, hi Dany! – or her younger brother – hello Jaime!) and she deserves to be brutally murdered more than anyone else on the show. Yes, she did all she did to protect her children, but no, that does not make it okay.
Meanwhile, Jaime is looking like the most likely candidate to cut Cersei down (she thinks the prophecy refers to Tyrion, but Jaime’s also her younger brother, by minutes, as she was the first-born twin), which means we think he needs to die too. Mainly because he has a hard enough time being a King Slayer, so what would his life be like after he adds Queen Slayer to his CV.
2. The Mountain
The Mountain’s been a monster since the very first season. In fact, he’s one of the few villains we met in those early stages who’s still staggering around. That needs to end in season eight.
If Cleganebowl (the fan theory which states The Mountain and The Hound will have a fight to the death in season eight) doesn’t happen, we’re going to be asking HBO for our money back.
Worse, if The Mountain wins that fight, and ends up being the one to squeeze his giant a*** into the Iron Throne at the end, we’ll throw our telly off the nearest cliff edge.
3. Theon Greyjoy
Poor, poor Theon. We don’t want Theon to die because of his past crimes (though, seven hells, he deserves to!) but because he’s so pathetic.
Yes, he had a redemption arc by saving Sansa, but a castrated Theon (referred to in season one by Roz as being ‘A serious boy with a serious c***’) is basically better off dead.
All of his pleasures and passions have been removed by Ramsay, replaced with Reek. We’d like to see Theon and Reek achieve an honourable death in season eight.
4. Robyn Arryn
Urgh. Get this creepy little dude as far away from us as quickly as possible. Chuck him out of the Moon Door if you have to, we want to see the bad man fly.
We barely saw the Red Woman in season seven, but that’s set to change in season eight; she’s been confirmed to return in a much larger role.
The last time we saw her, she told Varys: “Oh, I will return dear Spider. One last time. I have to die in this strange country, just like you.”
Which means her days are probably numbered (she’ll die in circumstances that sound like they won’t be great for Varys, either), which is definitely for the best.
Yes, she resurrected Jon Snow and we’re all grateful for that, because it meant we got the Battle Of The Bastards and a new incest plotline, but that doesn’t excuse the fact she SET A CHILD ON FIRE.
No, we haven’t forgotten that Melisandre was the one who convinced Stannis and Selyse Baratheon to set poor little Shireen on fire, even if you have.
6. Euron Greyjoy
Oh, come on. Do we have to explain this one? Euron’s been an absolute bell since the moment he swaggered onto screen like Russell Brand doing a cameo on Emmerdale. He’s completely smug, really hateful, and insults all of our favourites like he’s some sort of internet troll.
The sooner he gets sunk into the sea by some sort of massive kraken, the better. Ideally, in a pre-credit sequence during the first episode of season eight.
7. Arya Stark
Did you think we’d get to the end of the list without throwing in a Stark or two? Oh, you sweet summer child. Don’t get us wrong, Arya’s one of our favourite characters on the show. But, let’s face it, she’s had a pretty tough life since episode 9 of season one.
She’s gone through more crap than Jon Snow, and he was murdered! At least Jon’s had a couple of girlfriends, the closest Arya’s got to a teenage crush is cutting a pervert’s throat. So, this is another instance where we want Arya to be put out of her misery – hopefully after she finishes ticking the remaining names on her list. She’d have a rubbish life post-season eight, much like her brother…
8. Bran Stark
Yeah, yeah, we know, but we’re being cruel to be kind. Bran has possible the worst situation on the show. While his disability looked difficult to manage in the medieval fantasy-land of Game Of Thrones in the early episodes, he’s actually managed to live a full life, not allowing the loss of his ability to walk and climb to hold him back. So, we’re not saying he should die because he can’t walk, as we’re not actual monsters.
We’re saying he should die because he HAS THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD. The Three-Eyed Raven basically has to observe all of space and time in Westeros, for thousands of years, with the end-goal being… No-one has any idea!
While we’re sure all will be revealed in the final episodes, after Bran’s done whatever he’s supposed to do (time travel to fix all the stuff that’s gone wrong so far?) what will be the point of his character? What’s he going to do? Sit in the corner and give moody spoilers until the end of time? Give him an honourable death and let’s be done with him.