OUT OF OFFICE - In the good, olden days of yore, we simply went on holiday. Then we evolved to the out-of-office message. Now one of two things happens: We leave OOOs because we’ve popped to the loo, so paranoid are we about not being available for a millisecond. We don’t leave an OOO at all, trying to convince everyone that we are not away, never away, always on, totally available… while simultaneously never replying to any emails and having a nervous breakdown.
GIFT HORSING - Off for a cuppa at a friend’s? Quick – rush to that overpriced deli and grab some cinnamon buns/galettes/artisan salt. Dinner party? Well, that’s a whole other gift-buying dilemma... Should we take wine? (So few people drink now that we often leave with the bottle we brought.) Or a candle? Do we have to get something personalised? Do we feel less for not bringing eggs from chickens we have reared? Soon, we will be bringing flowers to the doctor’s – so grateful to get an appointment.
WHAT THE ACTUAL? - Enough, enough, enough of ‘actual’. As in, ‘It was Tom actual Hardy,’ or, ‘I’m in actual pain,’ or, ‘It happened in actual daylight.’ Actual is the new ‘basically’; the pimped-up ‘literally’. And we’ve had it up to actual here.
HEADS UP - Headaches are so hot right now. Everyone’s got one. And so we discuss the nature of the headache: does it throb or sting? Is it front or temples or nape of neck? A couple of years ago, everyone who was anyone had pneumonia. It was all the actual rage. (Sorry.) Now it’s headaches. So pedestrian. But at least we get to play the fun game of: is this headache because I’m dehydrated, over-caffeinated, under-caffeinated, hungry, tired, in need of glasses or have a brain tumour?
GUTTED - OK, so gut health is the new anxiety. Bellies are the new backs. But are we hearing a bit too much about people’s digestion? When did diarrhoea and bowel viruses become dinner-party conversation? Listen, sister, I’m wearing mascara and a heel and you’re talking about your stool quality and whether it’s related to your concentration/anxiety/insomnia. I got off the sofa for this?
PIMPED-UP PLEASANTRIES - When we ask, ‘How are you?’ we want an honest answer. ‘Fine,’ no longer cuts it. But certain people have gone a bit... ‘loving’ about it. They say things like, ‘It is beautiful in my soul this morning,’ and, ‘I feel my heart chakra blossoming,’ or, ‘Grateful to be alive, man, grateful to be alive.’ This is not OK.
X-RATED SPAM - A whole new proposition landed on Emilie’s lap recently – thankfully not literally. While travelling on a train, she became the unwitting recipient of an AirDropped penis picture. Yes, a fellow passenger saw fit to make her feel extra special by sending her a memento of his member across the airwaves to her phone. Apparently, in New York this is a virtual epidemic. So we’ve got that little trend to look forward to.
CANDID CAMERA - On the subject of selfies… We all know that people are obsessed with photographing every conceivable thing – we are all snapping, retaking, airbrushing for posterity. (And for showing off.) But wait, there’s a fresh hell – people are now filming. Hands up who has posed like an idiot, only to be told that it’s a video. Now we have to worry about our voices (so awful) and angles (all the chins). It’s like an incredibly boring reality TV show. The Real Housewives of Chiswick. Hmmm.