25 things that will definitely happen on the BBC's Glastonbury coverage

Michael Hogan
“The magical spirit of Glastonbury” -

1. Crowd shot of girl in bikini top, singing along and arm-swaying while perched on the shoulders of her long-suffering boyfriend.

2. Jo Whiley witters on earnestly about “the mystical vale of Avalon” and “the magical spirit of Glastonbury,” while sitting on a hay bale.

3. Flags in front of the Pyramid Stage include a Welsh dragon, the Wolverhamton Wanderers, several EU flags, 'Kernow' and one saying, for some random reason, “I ♥ sausage”.

4. An hour in, you develop a sudden hankering for a pint of cider.

5. Lauren Laverne teams a floral midi-dress with suspiciously spotless wellies. She adds a denim jacket “for evening”.

"Sea of tents" shot Credit: James Dadzitis / SWNS 

6. Middle-aged audience has misty-eyed meltdown when Kylie Minogue brings out Jason Donovan to duet on Especially For You.

7. Shot of dairy cow looking confused about why its favourite field is suddenly full of tents and drunk people.

8. Gang of male festival-goers are dressed as Donald Trump/Prince Harry/Gareth Southgate/Minions.

9. Gang of female festival-goers are dressed as Melania Trump/Meghan Markle/Handmaids/Villanelle from Killing Eve.

10. Helicopter aerial shot of site, while voiceover says “For one weekend only, this sleepy corner of Somerset transforms into a bustling tent city”.

11. Stormzy rants about Brexit/knife crime between songs and crowd cheers.

Hay bales, posh food and spotless wellies - BBC Glasto presenting team 2019 bingo Credit: BBC

12. Breathless yoof presenter is dwarfed by the 7ft tall drag queen she’s over-excitedly interviewing.

13. Shot of cute toddler dressed as a fairy and wearing ear protectors. You point out that they’ve had too much sun and it’s past their bedtime.

14. Huw Stephens enthusiastically introduces “an exclusive acoustic set” from someone you’ve never heard of.

15. Shot of a tipsy mum dancing with her eyes shut during The Cure’s set and reconnecting with her Goth past.

16. A sea of glowing iPhones held aloft replaces ye olde “lighters in the air” moment.

17. BBC puts the “worthy” into Worthy Farm with lengthy report on how environmentally friendly this year’s festival is.

18. Mark Radcliffe teams an armful of wristbands and an access-all-areas lanyard with a North Face anorak and sturdy walking boots.

It might be a heatwave, but someone always finds the mud Credit: BEN CURTIS 

19. Despite it being a sunny year, cameras still manage to find a semi-naked reveller covered in mud.

20. Janet Jackson yells “Hello Glash-town-berry!” in a way that makes it clear she’s never actually heard of the festival. 

21. Time-lapse sequence of stages being constructed/marquees being erected/BBC spending licence fee-payers’ money. 

22. Radio 1 DJ Clara Amfo helms a featurette about the food available on-site, with the emphasis on gourmet vegan pop-ups and artisanal streetfood vans run by smug hipsters.

23. Shot of sunset over Glastonbury Tor only slightly ruined by silhouetted hippies on stilts and unicycles. 

24. Beardy, cuddly farmer Michael Eavis grins that it’s “the best Glastonbury ever”.

25. You become so disoriented by flipping between BBC One, Two, Four and the red button that you feel like you might’ve eaten some “special brownies” like the ravers on-screen.

How many of the above have you experienced? Share your Glastonbury memories of past and present here, and in the comments below