Resolutions? They’ve only ever made us fat, drunk and sedentary. We are all carrot and no stick, you see. We need goals and praise. Besides, who doesn’t love a deadline? And so we have decided that, by the end of this year, the following things will have happened. We will have made them happen. Yes, by New Year’s Eve 2019 we will have…
- Stopped turning into my mother - She’s great and everything, but I would just like to halt the process. Or, at least, slow it down. Every time I look in a shop window. Every time I talk to the telly.
- Become less of a badass - Because it’s false advertising, see? ‘Annabel – tell them what you really think.’ ‘Annabel can handle this.’ Can’t. Won’t. Stop. Total malfunction. The real me is in here somewhere...
- Dealt with my appalling impatience - But who has time? Keep moving, guys... Why so leisurely?
- Written a novel - Emilie has been telling me to do this since January 2003, all supportive and full of faith, for which I slightly hate her. Maybe this year I’ll harness that 5am-to-6.30am slot, before the day begins. Rather than just lying in bed, staring at the wall, wondering if this niggling feeling means anything... Imminent death?
- Started running again - I loved that pirate feeling of just taking off (it may not have looked that way, but it felt that way), but then bits of me broke. I need to fix them. But am I even fixable?
- Got another piercing - I got my first a couple of months ago. And now I am in no way done. I want many more. I want to be weighed down with hardware. Last-chance saloon...
- Made a will - The end (it might be).
- Mastered blusher - In 2018, I learnt how to use eyeliner. Now blusher is in my sights. Because at the moment my application of it leaves me looking like Aunt Sally.
- Become more of a badass - I’ve been on a bit of a badass journey of late and I’ve finally exorcised the endless ‘sorries’ from my vocabulary. So, now might be the time to introduce ‘no’ to my lexicon. What with me being a 44-year-old (sometimes) functioning woman and all... But only if you think that’s OK. Sorry.
- Gone to an Ariana Grande concert - So Emilie, what did you achieve in 2018? Well, mostly I learnt the words to Ariana Grande’s back catalogue, as well as all the new ones. And what are your real, heartfelt goals for 2019? Tickets to her concert. Thank U, Next!
- Made a proper linen cupboard - With shelves and folding and everything. As opposed to a stack. Or mass. Or mountain. Creased. Jumbled. *Cries*
- Fixed the roof - It’s undignified, the damp patch, don’t you think? Slightly squalid and leaves me lying in bed tossing and turning –and, frankly, a little depressed at the state of things. So I am going to put on my big-girl pants and get the membrane put on, and the tiles relaid, and the roof finally fixed. I shall be the change I want to see in the roof...
- Ditched my braces - You have never seen such an apt pupil as me with my Invisalign. Flossing 10,000 times a day, salt-water rinses, denture- cleaning tablets winging their way into my Amazon Prime basket once a month. And my reward for this unprecedented diligence and hard work? Watch out, world – once I’ve got my smile back, I’ll be grimacing at you constantly, like a ventriloquist on speed.
- Made a will - The end.