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11 Things Your Waitress Is Tired of Hearing

From Cosmopolitan

1. "I'm in a rush, how long is this going to take?" How long is what going to take? Seating you, taking your order, bringing your food? People will come in on their lunch hour and ask if you can rush everything for them. But that's not how it works. It depends on so many factors. Is the restaurant busy, what food are you ordering, how many courses do you want? If you're in a rush and you can't order something that's easy to make, call ahead and get takeout or go to a drive-through restaurant.

Photo credit: Katja Cho
Photo credit: Katja Cho

2. "The customer is always right." The customer is definitely not always right. Sometimes people will have things sent back because they didn't know what was actually in the dish they ordered, and they didn't ask. Customers always think pancetta - which is bacon - is a type of cheese. So vegetarians will order something topped with pancetta, and then freak out when their meal is brought out with bacon on it, like I should have somehow known they can't eat meat. You read it on the menu. If you didn't know what it was, why didn't you ask?

3. "Can I substitute X for Y?" This is a more complicated request than people think. If what you want instead is more expensive, we have to charge you for it; the restaurant loses money if we don't, but customers tend to get really mad anyway. And after complicating their order with substitutions, many customers expect their food to be ready right away even though the kitchen now needs to figure out how to make your order the way you'd like it - you can already tell they aren't going to tip you well.

4. "Can you check that my order went through?" Whenever people are in a rush, or even if they're just impatient, they will stop me every time I walk past them to see if I can check on their order. Sure, let me go check on it even though I am 100 percent sure they are making your food. Even if I go back to the kitchen and ask them to hurry up your food, it's not going to make a difference. They're going to make the food in the order it's put in. If I go to the kitchen and say Table 17 wants their food, they'll just tell me so does everyone else. You can't just cut the line.

Photo credit: Katja Cho
Photo credit: Katja Cho

5. *Any nonverbal attempt to get your attention.* Customers will ignore you when you're in their section, but as soon as you leave and you're standing across the room, they'll raise their hand to get your attention, like they're in class or something. Or when you stop by their table, someone will point at their glass to ask for water or a refill. If you want your drink refilled, please ask me instead of pointing at it.

6. "Excuse me, could I get an extra…" You just brought the food to the table and you're explaining what each dish is when a customer interrupts you to ask for extra chopsticks or more hot sauce. We are supposed to announce each dish, put your food down, and then we will ask if you need anything else. I have to do it this way. I promise I won't leave without asking what you need.

7. "Can I speak with your manager?" The most annoying part about this is usually the way they say it. If something is under- or overdone, has too much garlic, isn't as big as they thought it would be, anything, customers will complain to me about it and ask to speak to a manager, even after I offer to send the meal back. What is my manager going to do about your food?

8. "My meal needs to be sent back." Literally no one is happy when this happens. The kitchen gets offended because they don't think they messed up. And the customer that sent it back gets annoyed because they have to wait for a new meal and everyone at their table is eating. You can't go to the grocery store and open a bag of chips, eat it, and return it because you don't like the flavor. You still have to pay for it.

Photo credit: Katja Cho
Photo credit: Katja Cho

9. "How many ways can you split the check?" I can only split the check four ways, but I'll still have a table of 12 ask me if I can split it 12 ways. No, actually I cannot.

10. "My food took too long, so I'm not going to tip you." How long the food takes has nothing to do with my service. There are people that will literally write in a $0 tip because their food took half an hour to come out. It's such an a-hole move. You knew you were coming to a restaurant, and that you were going to have to sit down and wait for it. It's really not my fault that the food took so long, but I'll still apologize for the wait and tell them I hope they enjoyed their meal.

11. "This is the last time I'll be dining here." This is actually something people say after complaining to a manager. They're assuming I want their patronage again, when really, I do not want you as a repeat customer. If you're awful, I'm just like, good, please never come back.

Roxanne is a waitress in San Jose, California.